


Who to Blame or (Just Give Me A Reason)

by leialovesfaith



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, Child Death, F/F, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Survivor Guilt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-26
Updated: 2015-09-26
Packaged: 2018-04-23 10:45:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 57,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4873849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leialovesfaith/pseuds/leialovesfaith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I can feel her.”<br/>“Huh?” I asked. I was busy looking at the map with K. We had to take out some demon nest. With Buffy out of commission it was like a goddamn fucking party for all demons with half a mind to take over the world.<br/>“I said I can feel her.”<br/>“Feel who?” I muttered. “I think we should storm in through the south side,” I told Ken, pointing at the map.<br/>“Sounds like a plan.” K said. “If we go through…”<br/>“The baby!” B yelled, exasperated. “Oh my god!” She threw a book at me. “Listen to me when I’m talking!”<br/>I jumped up. “The baby! What’s wrong with her?” I was freaking.<br/>She sighed dramatically like I was a dumbass. “I can feel her.”<br/>Ken nodded. “She’s in your belly.”<br/>Red must have been in the hallway. She walked in smiling and shaking her head. “Holy goddess, you two are stupid.”<br/>B had her hand on her stomach. “She’s kicking.” She looked like she was gonna like float off into the sky or some shit.<br/>K and I both jumped up and ran over to her. She moved to put her hand on B’s stomach the same time as I did.<br/>“What the fuck?” I said, knocking her out of the way. “My baby. I get to feel it first.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who to Blame or (Just Give Me A Reason)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RedMoon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedMoon/gifts).



> Reworked a very old story because someone asked me to. It's not for everyone but if you read it, I'd like to hear what you think. I tried rewriting it once in a different fandom but it didn't work out the way I wanted. Nothing much does except the original OTP I guess.
> 
> If you can't handle grief, this is not for you. Seriously don't read it. It ends happily, but it's a hard road.
> 
> I just posted the whole thing cause it's easier since it was already written.

* * *

I didn’t want to get up. I hated the morning. Call it a professional hazard if you want, but it sucked. It didn’t help that I hadn’t gone to bed until three o’clock. Or that I’d drank my body weight after slaying last night. But right now, what sucked the most… my phone piercing the air beside my head. All of this because I was too goddamn tired to turn it on silent.

I effectively ignored it the first time it rang.

Semi-ignored it the second and third.

But this was the fourth. I grabbed it, intent on throwing it out the window until I noticed the name. Fuck.

“What’s up?” I croaked out. I pulled back and looked at the time. Fucking six o’clock. Jesus.

“You sound like you swallowed a bag of razors.”

“It’s six o’clock in the fucking morning.” I didn’t have time for this shit. “So let me ask you again. What’s up? Or are you just looking to chat?”

I heard a sigh through the line. “Do you honestly think I’d call and wake you up if this wasn’t important?”

You know, Ken used to be my friend. Seriously. We got each other. I liked hanging with her before everything happened. But I got it – divided loyalties and all. More times than not, I found myself on the wrong side of that division but I guess that shit was sort of my fault…

“I don’t really know why you’re calling. Just that you’re waking me up and haven’t told me why.”

She sighed again. “I swear to God, Faith.” She waited a moment. “Look. I’m fucking hiding out calling you in the first place. If Will caught me I would be dead. So shut the fuck up and listen…”

I sat up and turned on the light next to my bed. Fuck my head hurt. “I’m listening.”

“So how’s Boston?”

“Are you fucking serious?”

“No, ugh… okay, so...” She was hedging. “With everything that happened, I mean… I’m sorry about shit and stuff. You were stupid but I get it… it’s just… I don’t know how to say this.”

I felt my stomach drop. I wasn’t sure I wanted her to say whatever it was she was having trouble saying anyway. “Then don’t.” I told her. “Just… don’t.” I took a deep breath and lay back against the headrest. “If you don’t think I need to know it or shouldn’t know something, just don’t tell me. Then we’re good.”

She scoffed. “So that’s it? Everything’s all five by fucking five, huh? You don’t care anymore?”

I didn’t say that. “What the hell does it matter? Huh? You all have your life. I’ve got mine.”

“Yeah. You’re life sounds like it’s going fucking great.”

I sighed again. “I don’t know how the hell you would know otherwise.”

“You know what, Faith? A few of us still give a shit about you.”

I laughed. “Good one. And you’re keeping tabs on me? Right.”

She didn’t say anything for a moment. I pulled the phone back and checked the screen. I was afraid I’d hung up on her. She finally spoke. “Look, I shouldn’t be calling you. Will told me not to. But I thought you should know… Giles was killed last night.”

My stomach fell again. “What did you say?” I asked.

“A mission. It was just…” she took a deep breath. “We didn’t know… there was a demon… We tried to…” She kept taking breaths. “He shouldn’t have gone. He just shouldn’t have gone…”

I couldn’t think. It was… I labored my breathing.

“The only reason I know anything about where you are… what’s going on… was Giles. He kept tabs on you. Made sure you were okay. I just thought… It’s not fair not to tell you. I don’t give a shit what you did. He cared about you. And so did I. So I’m telling you.”

“How’s Buffy?” I whispered.

“How do you think?”

I closed my eyes. “Was she there?”

“Yeah… she tried to help him…” She trailed off. “She was… she pretty much killed everything standing. I’ve never seen her like that.”

“Right…” I answered. I couldn’t blame her. I’d have done the same.

“Willow’s gonna be looking for me soon. We’ve got to… you know plans and stuff. None of them are really in any shape to do anything. There’s a will, Willow said. He was pretty specific about what he wanted she figured.” She took a moment. “I know shit has been bad for the last year, Faith. And I know that it ended badly. But… Giles loved you. He kept up with you. He worried and stuff. And I just thought you should know. You deserve that. You can do with it what you want. You wanna come back, come back. He would’ve wanted you here.”

He was the only one probably. I sat in silence for a moment. To be honest, I was still trying to process everything. “I don’t think that would be wise,” I finally said.

“I sort of figured you’d say that.” She said. I heard her name being called in the background. Red. “Shit. Seriously Faith, I have to go. Please just tell me you’ll think about it.”

“Okay,” I whispered.

“Coming,” I heard her call out. “It was good talking to you. I sort of… kind of… you know, missed you. I’ll text you later, okay?”

“Okay,” I said again. “Thanks.” I tried, but she’d already hung up.

I sat the phone down on the bed and closed my eyes. I wanted more than anything to go back to sleep. To just pretend like that phone called hadn’t happened.

“Ugh,” I finally moaned. I picked up the phone again and called the airline.

Because, ladies and gentlemen, I am stupid as fuck.

* * *

Seven times I’d almost turned the car around. Seven. I couldn’t believe I was going back to Scotland. I’d promised myself the day I left that I wouldn’t step foot back in the fucking country. Not for anything. But every time I thought about turning around, I remembered what Giles said to me.

_“Faith, every time you run you prove them right.”_

He was right. He hadn’t wanted me to go in the first place. I’d played like I didn’t have a choice.

_“Don’t be a bloody fool.”_

He’d called me several times after I left. When I was in L.A. After I’d moved back to Boston. I never answered. He left long messages. Told me about his day. What he was reading. Silly shit really. But he always ended it with, _“someone cares about you, you stupid girl. It would be nice if you’d return their phone call.”_ Of course I didn’t. Because I was stubborn. And full of fucking pride.

The plane ride was uneventful. Of course, I’d downed about seven scotches though. So possibly it was eventful and I just missed it. I hated flying. And I hated even more where I was going. I seriously contemplated getting off the plane and exchanging my return ticket for one straight back to Boston because there was no way in hell I could do this. I couldn’t see her… them again. I just couldn’t.

After we landed, I was still thinking about flying back. I thought about heading back to the ticket booth in the terminal when I saw K. She was standing off to the side, waiting.

“I got your text,” she said.

I nodded at her. “Wished I hadn’t sent it now.” I looked around. “You alone?”

She nodded back. “Yeah. Told Will I had to go to town. Business and stuff. They’re still sort of out of it and shit. I don’t even think she was listening.” She noticed my bag hanging on my shoulder. “Is that all you’ve got?”

“Wasn’t planning on staying long.”

“I got you a room. At The Torridon. I know it’s far but… I mean I have no problem with you coming to the castle, but you know… in light of everything… well, it’s probably not…”

I decided to throw her a bone. “Look, K. It’s no big, right? They don’t want me there. And I sure the shit don’t wanna be there. I came for G. Nothing else.”

She threw a set of keys at me. “Rented you a car.” She handed me the rental slip. “Room key is on the seat. I took the liberty of writing down the arrangements and shit. Gonna be a lot of people here tomorrow. Most of the inns in town were booked up and I knew you probably didn’t want to run into anyone. Address is on the paper.”

“Thanks,” I nodded at her. “You didn’t have to do that. I still know my way around.”

She shrugged. “Least I could do.” We walked towards the door. “Look,” she said, turning around. “I get it if you don’t want anyone to know you’re here. Stay in the shadows and all that, but… promise me something?”

I cocked my head a bit to the side. I wasn’t keen on making promises anymore. “What?”

“Don’t leave without telling me? That’s not too much to ask, is it? When this is all over, maybe we can grab a pint or something.”

I nodded. “Seems fair. I owe you that.”

She pointed away from us. “Your car’s over there. Be careful. And get some rest.”

“You too,” I told her, as she walked away.

* * *

After a fitful night’s sleep, I woke up and got ready for the service. They were holding it at the castle. Burying him on grounds.

I wanted to be simple. Blend in. More than anything, I didn’t want Buffy or the others to see me. I’d packed light, but well… and I chose a simple pair of black pants and shirt. I pulled out my coat. I’d bought it when I lived here before. For all the funerals of all the girls that didn’t make it. I’d never worn it though, because I’d never gone. Except to one… it didn’t matter. I got that sinking feeling that this was a huge mistake.

I checked myself in the mirror one last time before I left. I’d made sure to look nice, but simple. Blending in was my top priority and I really didn’t want anyone to notice me.

When I got to the castle thirty minutes later, I realized that was going to be easier than I thought. There were hundreds of people mulling around. Maybe more. I was sort of in awe. I didn’t realize Giles knew this many people. And then I felt the buzz – slayers. I would blend in after all.

The sky was overcast and it was cold when I got out of my car. I moved to the back. I could feel the slayers around me. The buzz was weird. I wasn’t sure I’d ever been anywhere with this many before. Even in the castle. I noticed there was a small platform closer to the front of the crowd. I moved further back so that I could see.

I saw Red first. Standing with Ken. Xander was beside them, his arm around Dawnie. But no Buffy…

I didn’t get time to think about that. Cause Red walked up onto the platform. There was a small microphone. “I would like to thank everyone for coming today. As were Giles wishes, he’s asked for…”

I stopped listening. B wasn’t here. I wasn’t sure what that meant? Where could she be? There were a few other girls standing around the “gang” but no one I recognized. All I could think was no Buffy. Red was blathering on about Giles and how he’d saved her and… you know, I got it. I just didn’t… nothing about this felt right.

When she’d finished a few other people spoke. Friends of his. Colleagues. A few told stories that should have been funny but weren’t, though most of the people laughed. I could hear some of the girls crying and still all of this felt wrong.

Finally, Dawn made her way up. I stood off to the side so I could see her better. “Many of you knew Giles. He was your watcher. Your guardian. Your teacher. Your friend. And he was all those things and more to me as well. And I can’t believe…” she swallowed. “It just never gets easier burying someone you love. Sometimes it’s the price we have to pay, I guess. But it doesn’t… get easier, I mean. Giles was different though. He was the person who held us together. He taught us to be strong. He took care of us. He loved us. He devoted his life to us. And in the end, he died for us. It’s not fair. And it’s hard. But people die in the fight. And the battle goes on. Giles said that himself.” She shook her head. “I guess more than anything else though to me…” she paused, “…to my sister, Giles was a father. Not the first one we had, but definitely the real one. The best one. He loved us unconditionally. As much as we loved him.” She took another deep breath. “My sister, Buffy, couldn’t be here today.” She pulled out a piece of paper from her coat pocket. “But she asked me to read something. It’s a poem. “To her Father:”

_Most truly honored, and as truly dear,_

_If worth in me or ought I do appear,_

_Who can of right better demand the same_

_Than may your worthy self from whom it came?_

_The principal might yield a greater sum,_

_Yet handled ill, amounts but to this crumb;_

_My stock's so small I know not how to pay,_

_My bond remains in force unto this day;_

_Yet for part payment take this simple mite,_

_Where nothing's to be had, kings loose their right._

_Such is my debt I may not say forgive,_

_But as I can, I'll pay it while I live;_

_Such is my bond, none can discharge but I,_

_Yet paying is not paid until I die._

She stepped down.

People were still standing around. It was obvious what Buffy had meant. She blamed herself. It was a path I knew quite well. I noticed others moving towards the stage, intent on sharing their own grief.

This was a mistake. I didn’t need to be here. I didn’t want to be here. Buffy wasn’t here.

Was that why I’d come? I wasn’t even sure anymore. I walked as fast as I could to my car, completely content with driving to the airport. It didn’t hit me until I got inside and shut the door.

I hadn’t cried.

Not once. Not since Ken had told me. I didn’t know what that meant either. I didn’t know what anything meant anymore. My ticket wasn’t for until late tonight. I had no fucking idea what I was going to do for the next eight hours, but I had to get out of here. And away from this castle.

I just couldn’t go without seeing her grave.

The real reason I shouldn’t have come back and the real reason I couldn’t cry. She was buried at back of the land. I got out of my car and made my way over when I was sure no one was around. I walked slowly. I wasn’t certain I was ready for this. And then I saw the tombstone. I stopped dead in my tracks though because I wasn’t alone.

Buffy was sitting in front of it.

I stopped moving. This was why she hadn’t come to the funeral, wake, or whatever that just was. Her back was to me and she looked like she had on a pair of pajamas. Like she’d just gotten out of bed. I stayed where I was a bit longer. Her shoulders were moving softly and I assumed she was crying,

Yep. I needed to get out of here. Fast.

I turned to walk around and then I felt another slayer walk up. She’d been one of the one standing at the front of the crowd, with Red and the others today. I stood behind a tree about thirty feet away from them.

“Buffy?” The girl said, putting her hand on her shoulder. “Why don’t you come back to the house?”

B shook her head, “I’d rather not.”

She bent down beside her and wrapped her arms around her. I felt a little sick. She was speaking lightly but slayer hearing helped. “It’s not healthy, you sitting out here.” She looked up at the sky. “I think it may rain.”

B was sitting on her knees beside her. She moved to sit all the way down and shook the girl off. “I need to be alone. I’ll come up later.”

The girl stood up, but not before kissing her on the cheek. “I love you.” I felt my stomach clinch.

“I know,” Buffy whispered.

She shook her head and left. I waited until she was really gone before I decided to leave. I shouldn’t have come here. I just…

“So that’s it? You come all this way and what… you just leave?”

“Buffy?” I whispered.

I heard her sigh. “Expecting someone else?” She finally turned towards where I was standing. “I know you’re there. So you might as well come out.”

I stepped around the tree. It was hard looking at her now that I knew she could see me. “I shouldn’t have come.”

She sighed again. “No. I guess not.” She pulled her knees to her chest and laid her cheek on top of them. She was facing me.

I didn’t move. “I don’t know what to say.”

She raised her head up and frowned. “No one does,” she answered, turning towards the grave again.

She didn’t say anything else. And I wasn’t sure what to fucking do. I was standing there, like a moron, staring at the back of her head. I shouldn’t have come… I turned to go.

“Don’t,” I heard her say. “Don’t go.”

I stopped and turned around. “Then tell me what am I supposed to do.” My voice was heavy.

“Do you ever cry?” She asked.

I stayed where I was. “No.”

She nodded like she understood. “I wondered about that. You were never a crier.”

“Do you?”

She stood up and brushed off her pants. “It was getting easier. Not easy. Never easy. But easier. And then this.”

“I’m sorry,” I winced. I probably shouldn’t have said it. She hated that I apologized.

“For what?”

“For Giles. For…”

She held up her hand. “Don’t. I can’t do that today.” She ran her fingers through her hair. She looked so goddamn tired. “You look good,” she whispered.

“So do you,” I lied.

“You’re a crappy liar,” she answered. “Where are you staying?”

“Huh?”

“Where are you staying?” She repeated slower.

“I’m not… I mean I stayed at the Torridon last night, but I’m headed back,” I looked at my phone, “in… uh seven hours.”

“Headed back where?” She seemed disinterested.

“Does it matter?”

She shook her head. “No.” And then she nodded. “Yes… yes. It does matter.”

“Boston.”

She nodded again. “Is it cold there?”

“Sometimes.”

“I don’t like the cold. I’m tired of it. I want to go somewhere warm.” She moved a bit closer to me.

I held my breath for a moment. “Okay.”

“I want you to take me.” She whispered. She was standing a few feet away from me. “Please?” Her voice was broken.

I didn’t answer her. Mostly because I didn’t have an answer. The closer she got to me, the harder I found it to breathe.

She took my hand in hers. It was freezing. She was right. She was cold. “Please?” She asked again.

I nodded.

She moved closer and wrapped her arms around me. She put her head on my chest. I rested my chin and top of it and pulled her to me. She was so cold. I could feel her crying through my shirt. But she wasn’t making a sound. “Now?” I finally asked her.

She nodded against my chest. “Thank you,” she said.

* * *

Ever wake up in a strange place? I’ve done it more than once. More than twice, really… It never got any easier. Case in point… I bolted straight out of the bed when my phone woke me up screaming for the second time this week.

The difference – someone was laying beside me this time. It took me a moment to realize it was Buffy.

She rolled over. “They know you were there?” She mumbled into the pillow.

I picked up my phone. It was Ken. I sat it back down. “Yeah,” I told her, throwing myself back against the pillow. “Didn’t think it would take them that long to figure out.”

We’d snuck into the castle yesterday, grabbed B some clothes, her money, and her passport and took off. I was still surprised no one saw us, but we both knew the back way into the castle. Her bedroom was in a different part but that’s to be expected, I guess. We really didn’t even talk that much until we got to the ticket counter. The next plane was to Paris. So we took it.

When we’d landed, we were both exhausted. We got a cab and stopped at the first hotel we could find. We hadn’t once discussed what we were doing and where we were going. My brain wouldn’t let me. I didn’t figure Buffy’s would either.

She moaned into the pillow again. “Is it morning?”

“Yeah,” I closed my eyes. “You know they’re gonna track us, don’t you?” I sighed. “And Red’s gonna filet me.”

She rose up and turned towards me. “I can’t stay in that castle anymore.”

I nodded at her. “You don’t have to. Let her filet me. Fuck it. You don’t wanna go back, you don’t have to.”

She rolled over and sat up, hugging her knees to her chest. “Where are we gonna go?”

I shrugged. “Don’t know. Gotta a place in mind?”

She shook her head. “No.” She closed her eyes when the phone rang again. “Don’t answer it.”

Shit. I wasn’t fucking crazy. “Not planning on it.” But… “You know they’re gonna show up here, right? I mean, you take off like that and they’re gonna come looking. Probably think I kidnapped you or some shit. I can’t believe Red hasn’t popped in here yet.”

The phone rang again.

“Hand it to me,” she finally said. When I gave it to her, she stared at it for a second before answering. “Hello.”

I could hear someone fucking shrill-ass screaming on the other end. Didn’t take a goddamn rocket scientist to figure out that it was Red.

“No, Wills… No, listen. I’m fine… No, I just…” She sighed. “Stop talking! Listen. I’m fine. I’m not coming back. Not right now; I can’t. “ She listened for a moment. “I realize, and no Faith didn’t…” She took another deep breath and rubbed the bridge of her nose. “Don’t come here. I mean it.” She started crying softly.

Fuck this. I put my hand on her shoulder. “You sure about this?” I whispered.

She nodded at me, crying harder.

“Give me the phone.”

She raised her eyebrow at me, but handed it to me nonetheless.

I took it from her. “Red?”

“Faith! What have you done to Buffy?!? Bring her back now!” She screamed through the line.

“She doesn’t want to come back,” I told her.

“I don’t care what she wants! She’s not in her right mind! You took advantage of a situation you had no right to take advantage of! You think you can just waltz in here…”

Okay fuck the screeching. “Listen up, sweet cheeks. She doesn’t want to come back. And I’m not forcing her to because you think she should. Maybe she needs this.”

“Oh that’s rich. You think you know what she needs? Where have you been the last year? You don’t get to make that decision.” She was pissed.

Luckily, she was far enough away not to turn me into a newt. “Neither do you, Red.” I sighed. “Look. It’s not like you aren’t some freaking super witch. I know you can come get her if you want. Fact is, it’s not what she wants right now. If you love her… you’ll respect that and leave her be. If not, you’ve gotta come through me. Get that may sweeten the deal, but… use that big brain of yours.”

“I am using my big brain. We’re worried about her. Dawn is upset. Satsu is beside herself.”

Uh… huh?

B took the phone back. “I’ll call you guys tomorrow.” And then she hung up.

I started at her a little bit shocked. “Think that was smart?”

She shrugged.

“Who’s Satsu?” I asked her.

She closed her eyes again. “Do you really want to know right now?”

I weighed that question for a moment. “Guess not.” I swung my legs off the bed. “So… do we stay here or do we go?”

“What do you think?”

I didn’t know what to think to be honest. We hadn’t seen each other in a year. And truth was, we’d parted on less that good circumstances. I wasn’t sure what we were doing. “Sorta feels like your driving this wagon.”

She nodded. “And you’re just gonna go with me? No questions.”

“Not right now,” I told her. “None of this feels real to be honest.”

“What about Boston?”

“What about it?”

“You can just leave it?”

“Yeah.” I didn’t tell her that nothing felt like home anymore. That I just floated around. Not thinking. Not feeling. “Not much there for me.” I grabbed my bag. “You can leave Scotland?”

She pulled the bag we’d bought her into her lap, looking for her toothbrush I guess. “I already have, haven’t I?”

“I guess so.” I pulled out my stuff. I needed a shower. I nodded towards the bathroom. “Wanna go first?”

She shook her head. “Go ahead. I’m good.” She moved to pick up the room phone. “You’re probably hungry. I’ll call room service.”

“Okay,” I smiled. “I want…”

She held up her hand, already dialing. “I know what you want, Faith.”

Of course she did.

I took longer than normal in the shower. Half of me wanted to hurry, afraid that Buffy would be gone. Half of me wanted to stay in there forever, hoping she would. I wasn’t sure what the hell we were doing but the holding pattern of not really talking and, consequently not really dealing, wasn’t going to work forever.

B was sitting on the bed when I got back, a cup of coffee in her hand. She’d ordered breakfast. Crepes. We were in Paris after all.

She handed me a cup of coffee. “I’ve already eaten. I sort of feel gross. I want a shower.”

I gestured with my hand. “All yours.”

She smiled at me and nodded. I towel dried my hair and ate quickly. While I was getting dressed, my phone chimed.

_I’m calling, pick up._

It was Ken. I answered as soon as it rang. “Hey,” I whispered.

“Is Buffy around?” She was whispering too.

“No, she’s in the shower. You wanna talk to her?” I glanced at the door.

“No. You. Listen, they’re planning on coming to get her. I know she told them not to, but… I can’t talk long. Just grab your stuff and get out of there. It takes Willow a while to track her.”

“Who’s coming?” Fuck me. Why did I feel as if we were running from something?

“Will. Dawn. Satsu. Xander. Look, just get her and get the hell out of there. I figure you’ve got about twenty minutes.”

I didn’t get a chance to ask her anything else, since the line went dead.

I grabbed our stuff and threw it in the bags. We didn’t have much. The shower cut off as soon as I opened the door. I threw B a pair of jeans and a pullover. “Get dressed. We’ve got twenty minutes max.”

“What?” She grabbed her clothes as I shut the door.

“Ken called.”

She ran back out. Her hair was wet and her cheeks were red. She looked… I grabbed her arm. “We gotta scoot.”

She nodded and followed me out. We skipped the elevator and ran down the stairs. I threw the key at the front desk as we were leaving. “Charge the room,” I told her.

B went outside and hailed a cab.

It was a good thing. When we were pulling off, I saw Red run out of the hotel. Jesus.

B gave the cabbie an address that definitely wasn’t the airport. I raised my eyebrow at her.

“I know someone. Trust me.”

I nodded because I didn’t really have a choice.

Five minutes later we pulled up outside of an office building. I recognized the logo. Wolfram and Hart.

She noticed my face. “They’ll help us. Willow can’t transport here. And they can cast a spell. Keep us cloaked.”

“Are you sure about this?” I asked her when we got out. “I don’t really trust these guys.”

“Wanna keep doing this?” She asked. “Running?”

I shook my head and followed her inside. I wasn’t sure what I was doing.

The woman we met with was British. Said her name was Sophia. She looked human, but it sure the shit didn’t mean she was. She handed us both a pill. “You take these everyday. Don’t forget. Once a day in the morning. She can’t track you if you do. If you stop… well, she’ll be able to find you immediately. “

Buffy nodded at her. I didn’t want to take the damn thing. I didn’t like this. B swallowed hers down without thinking. Fuck it. Not like I had a choice. She gave us both a bottle with at least two hundred more. I bit back the urge to ask if we were disappearing forever. I honestly didn’t care.

“Thanks,” B said. “Can you send us somewhere?”

Sophia nodded. “Where?”

“I don’t care,” Buffy said. “Somewhere warm. A long way from here.” She sighed. “With a beach.”

Sophia smiled at her. “Yes. Do I tell Mr. Angel?”

What was she talking about?

B shook her head. “No. I will. Just between us. You owe me that, don’t you?”

I waited for either of them to elaborate. Neither did.

 Sophia nodded. “Do you have money?”

Good question. I did have money. So did B. “We do,” I told her. “But they can track it.”

Buffy shook her head. “I’ve got the other accounts. The one’s Angel set up. They don’t know anything about them. “

Again Angel. What the hell was she talking about?

“Right,” Sophia said. “You should be fine then.”

B leaned over and took my hand. “Close your eyes,” she whispered.

I didn’t like the sound of that one fucking bit...

* * *

The next thing I knew the sun was beating down on me and I realized we were way too over freaking dressed. I shielded my eyes and turned to B. “Where are we?”

“One of the firm’s houses.” She looked out over the water. I’d never seen an ocean so blue before. “Somewhere in the Caribbean, I think.”

I turned around. She was right. There was a house behind us. Nothing over the top. Just a two story house, with a pool. “You been here before?”

She shrugged and walked up to the house. She had a key in her hand. Must have been magicked here by that woman we were just with. “Somewhere like it…” she muttered, grabbing her bag. “We’ll have to go shopping,” she called over her shoulder.

I watched her walk away. It just dawned on me that I’d been on three continents, in four different countries in the last three days. I took a deep breath. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought her with me.

I stayed where I was a few moments longer before following her inside.

“B?” I called out. “Buffy?”

She was in the kitchen. “We have food. Don’t know who was here last. They had good taste though.” She held up a bottle of wine. “See? Good wine. Not that you care, I bet. But they’ve got beer too. And bourbon. Still like bourbon?” She didn’t wait for me to answer. She was flitting around the kitchen, opening doors. “See? Cereal. Fruit. We’ll need staples of course, but at least they’ve got…”

“Buffy, stop.”

She turned around and scrunched up her face. “What?”

I sat my bag down. “Slow down,” I said, walking over to her. I took a deep breath. “What are we doing?”

She shut the cabinet. “What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean.” I sat down on a barstool. “You and me. What are we doing right now?”

“Faith,” she sighed. “I don’t want to do this.”

“Tough,” I told her. “I just followed you across the ocean, princess. I think we sorta need to.”

She slammed her hands down on the counter in front of me. “You don’t want to be here? Fine, go. I’m not going back.”

I stood up. “No one said anything about going back. But the last time I saw you, we weren’t exactly of the good. Now we’re in some love nest in the tropics. We need to talk.”

She scoffed. “This isn’t a love nest. And no. We don’t. Just go back to Boston. I should’ve known better than to think…”

“To think what, B? That we could just pretend like nothing ever existed. That Giles didn’t die. That Eva didn’t…”

“Don’t!” She screamed. “Don’t you dare!” She pushed herself off the counter she’d been leaning on. “Don’t!”

I moved closer to her. “Okay. I won’t.” I touched her shoulder tentatively. “I won’t.”

She nodded. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

I pulled her to me. “Me too.”

She pulled back suddenly. “They can trace your phone.”

I shook my head. “I turned it off.” I sat it on the counter. “But I want to keep it. Just in case.”

“In case of what?”

I shrugged. In case I have to call them, I didn’t say.

 

* * *

We found out later that day we were in the British Virgin Islands. We made our way around the island, bought some clothes, groceries. B nattered on about the scenery. I just nodded. I had a feeling. A bad feeling. None of this felt right. She didn’t feel right.

We had one last stop to make. Buffy wanted a certain kind of shampoo. Something about her hair and the humidity or some shit. There was a market one of the shop girls sent us too. When we got there, she took off. I held back.

“Go ahead,” I told her, nodding at a package store across the street. “I feel like I may need more booze than we have in that house.” I smiled at her.

“Okay,” she smiled back. “Meet me back here in fifteen minutes?”

I nodded at her. “Sure thing.”

I watched her walk away and when I was sure she was gone, I ran around the side of the building. There was a pay phone I’d seen when we drove by. I wasn’t stupid enough to call Red. But…

“Hello.”

“Angel.” I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Faith! I just got off the phone with Paris. Are you with Buffy?”

Can’t trust a lawyer. That’s for damn sure.

“Yes. I’m with her. And I can’t talk long.” I was watching for B. “I think I may have made a mistake.”

“You think? You ran off with her in the middle of Giles’ funeral.”

Dude was always fucking awesome at stating the obvious. “I know that. But she was… she was…”

“She was what, Faith?” He cleared his throat. “How would you know what she was? You haven’t spoken to her in a year. You haven’t asked a question about her. Nothing.”

Soul boy and I had kept in touch. I just now realized he and B had did the same. “You didn’t offer, big guy.” I pushed my hair off my neck. It was fucking hot as hell here. “Look, something is wrong with her.”

“You think? Giles died four days ago.”

I sighed again. “I know that. I just mean… she’s not…”

“Faith. You are one of the smartest people I know. And also one of the dumbest. I’m not going to tell them where you are. They haven’t done Buffy any favors lately. She’s been spiraling for a while. Giles dying… it was the final straw.” He took a moment. “Thing is, you’ve been spiraling too. Even if you don’t want to admit it. You hurt as bad as she does. You just hide it better. I don’t think you’re gonna be able to fix each other, but… It may be what both of you need for the time being.”

I leaned against the wall and looked for B. Still didn’t see her, thank god. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You know, Buffy has sat in her pain since it happened. It surrounded her. Consumed her. Even with everyone trying to help her. Dawn. Willow. Satsu.” I didn’t bite. “But you… you ran from it. Just ran and ran. And when that didn’t work, what did you do? Go back to the one place that treated you like hell. And you tried to drink it away.” I still didn’t speak. “I think it’s good you’re together. If you don’t kill each other or yourselves, you may figure something out.”

“What does that mean?”

He sighed. Like he wasn’t dead. Fucker. “Most couples don’t survive the death of a child, Faith.”

I sucked in my breath. “I have to go.”

“But they face it. Neither of you have.”

“I can’t talk to you. I have to go.” I was shaking. “Forget I called.”

“She died, Faith. Accept it.”

I hung up. I couldn’t…

“Faith!” B called.

I rounded the corner. “Over here.”

She noticed I wasn’t carrying a package. “I thought you were getting something?”

I shook my head. “Changed my mind.” I forced myself to smile at her. “Ready?”

* * *

_When does your plane land?” I asked B. I moved the phone to my other ear so I could hold it with my shoulder. I wasn’t cut out for multi-tasking._

_“Seven,” she laughed. “What are you doing?”_

_I stood up and brushed my hair out of my eyes. “Nothing.” How the hell did clothes get under the bed? It wasn’t like I put them there. Were there demons that could hide them while I slept? That had to be it._

_“You’re cleaning aren’t you?” She giggled._

_“No!” I rose up quickly and hit my head on the bedframe. “Fuck!”_

_“ You hit you’re head didn’t you?” She asked. “Cause you’re cleaning. I know you are. You haven’t cleaned that room all week, have you?”_

_I rolled my eyes. “Of course I have. I can do more than one thing at a time, Buffy.” I balanced the phone on my shoulder._

_“Oh, full name. You must be telling the truth…” She giggled again. “I miss you.” She sighed. “Both of you. I wish Will could transport me back.”_

_I don’t, I thought. There was no way I would be able to get this room clean before this afternoon. If Red transported her back she’d see everything. And I’d be sleeping in the spare room. “I miss you too. Red’ll be back later tonight. Then she can transport you if you want.”_

_“That’s silly. I’d be back before then. How pointless would that be?”_

_“Pretty pointless,” I distractedly murmured. I dropped the phone. How could I throw a stake at a vamp running breakneck speed away from me and hit him squarely in the chest, but I couldn’t manage to carry a pile of clothes across the bedroom without tripping._

_“Faith? Faith?!” She screamed._

_“What?!” I yelled towards where the phone lay on the ground. “What?” I asked again after I picked it up. “Why are you yelling?”_

_“You are totally cleaning. Oh my god. What have you been doing all week?”_

_“It’s hard doing all this shit by myself, Buffy,” I whined. “At least when you’re here, I am too. And you like have help and stuff.”_

_“You’ve got to be kidding me,” she muttered. She was still laughing. “You are so deluded. I really can’t wait to see you.”_

_“Me either. I’m gonna leave the snuggle bug here with Dawnie. Maybe me and you could, you know, take the long way home…”_

_“Faith!” She cried. “Don’t you dare leave her there. I haven’t seen her in a week. I want to see both my babies.”_

_“Okay, princess. Whatever you want.”_

* * *

I woke up with a start. We were still in the car.

“Are you okay?” B whispered. “You fell asleep.”

I nodded. “Yeah,” I murmured.

She raised her eyebrow at me. “Okay,” she finally whispered, turning away from me. She continued to stare out the window.

I put my hand on my forehead and sighed. I really needed a drink and to be out of this car.

Neither of us spoke much after that.

Once we got back to the house, I realized how tired I actually was.

“You hungry?” I asked her when we got inside. “Want me to fix you something to eat?”

She shook her head. “I can feed myself.”

Not the answer I was expecting. “Okay. I know that. I was just asking.”

She was looking through the glass door at the ocean. “I like to see the moon on the water. I think I want to do that again.” She opened the door and walked out. “Maybe go for a swim,” she said faintly.

I nodded, putting the groceries away. “Okay, just be careful and don’t…” I continued to put the rest of the things away before it hit me.

Did she just say go for a swim? I turned around but she was already gone. I dropped the bag I was holding and ran after her. “B! Wait!” I didn’t see her. “Buffy!” I yelled again.

I ran as fast as I could down the beach. I ran until I got to the shore. Her clothes were piled a few feet away.

“Buffy!” I yelled again. “B! Please don’t…”

I couldn’t see her. Fuck. Fuck. This was… fuck. I didn’t bother to take off my clothes. I jumped in, wading through the water.

“Buffy, please.” I was begging. “Buffy!” I was screaming.

I don’t know why I found her. But right before I lost my mind her leg brushed against mine.

“Buffy,” I grabbed. She wasn’t breathing.

Jesus Christ, she wasn’t breathing.

I picked her up and brought her back to shore.

I laid her down and breathed into her mouth. “Breathe. Just breathe,” I was whispering between breaths.

It felt like twenty minutes but was probably only a few seconds when she started coughing. I lifted her up when she spat out the water.

“God, Buffy… just, fuck…” I wanted to fucking slug her. I couldn’t believe… why would she… Jesus…

“Faith,” she coughed. She tried to sit up. “Faith, I can’t move.”

I was hugging her to me. “Oh my god. Oh my god…”

“Faith, I can’t breathe.” She choked out.

I pulled back. “Oh god, I’m sorry.” I let her go suddenly.

She sat up. “Are you crying?” She touched my cheek.

I shook my head. “No,” I pulled back further. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!?” I pushed her hand away.

“You’re crying.”

I jumped up. “Fuck you. We’re going back. Tonight. Now. I’m calling Red. You tried to kill yourself.” I grabbed her clothes and threw them at her and stalked off.

She stayed where she was. “You’re crying.”

I spun around. “Of course I’m crying! You tried to drown yourself!”

She shook her head. “But you said. You said you didn’t cry…”

“Ugh!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “Are you that dense, Buffy? Really? I cried myself to sleep for six months. How could I not? She was… Fuck you, Buffy. Just fuck you. I’m leaving. Stay here. Die if you fucking want. I can’t… I can’t…” I was choking at this point. I wasn’t going to do this.

She jumped up. “Faith, wait!”

I stopped. “What?!? I can’t do this with you! I’m not going to!” I was sobbing. I bent over to catch my breath. “I can’t…” I whispered.

I felt her arms pull me up. “It’s okay.”

I was shaking my head. “It’s not.” I fell on my knees. “Nothing is okay.”

She bent down beside me and put her arms around me. She rested her chin on my head. She was soaking wet, and so was I. I felt her lift my shirt off my back. She was trying to pull it over my head.

“What are you doing?” I whispered.

“Your clothes are soaked.” She whispered.

I nodded and let her take it off. Once she had it off, she pulled me back to her. I realized why. Even soaking wet, I could feel the heat of her skin. “You’re warm,” I said against her chest. I was still crying.

She laughed a little.

“Why’s that funny?” I asked her.

She shook her head. “Nothing. I’ve just been cold for so long, I forgot what this felt like.” She sighed. “I wasn’t thinking that… what you think I was thinking. I didn’t go out there to kill myself, Faith.”

I shook my head and sniffed. “Could’ve fooled me.”

She sighed. “I was just going for a swim. Really. But once I got out there… it just felt… it felt like enough.”

I swallowed. “Why would you want to do that?”

“You haven’t thought about it?”

Everyday. “No.”

“You’re still a shitty liar.” She smiled. She stood up and gave me her hand. “Let’s go inside.”

* * *

After I’d dried off, I found B sitting on the back patio. She had drink in her hand. There was a small refrigerator by the door. I grabbed a beer and sat down beside her.

She was staring at the ocean. “Want to talk now?” She whispered.

I took a swig, and followed her gaze. It was easy not looking at her. “I don’t know.”

She sighed. “Do you know why I made you leave?”

I shuddered. “I fucked that girl in our bed?” I asked.

She took a very deep breath and took a drink. “I didn’t care about that fucking girl, Faith. You could have fucked every girl in that castle and I wouldn’t have known.”

Amazingly, she hadn’t moved and yet she’d totally just punched me in the gut.

She shook her head. “No. Because I blamed you.”

I shrugged. “It was my fault.”

She turned to look at me then. “You really believe that?”

“I was there, B. I know it was.”

She turned back towards the ocean. “How are you so blind? How can you see everything and be so goddamn blind?” Her voice rose. She composed herself. “I didn’t make you leave because of that girl. And not because it was your fault. I made you leave because I saw her… everyday I saw her.” She got very quiet. “ I saw her. And after a while, I stopped seeing you.”

I took a deep breath and turned to look at her. “So why come with me now? If I remind you of her?”

She laughed, but it was mirthless. “Because I missed her…” Her voice got very quiet. “And maybe… I missed you.” I didn’t have an answer for that. She took a drink and looked away. “What did you do? After you left, I mean?” She finally asked.

“Nothing.”

She turned to look at me. “You wanted to talk earlier. I’m willing…”

“I didn’t want to talk about that,” I sighed. “I wanted to talk about what we were doing. Here. Now.” I gestured around us with my bottle. “What are we doing?”

She was quiet for a few seconds and I was pretty sure I’d lost her. “I can’t believe Giles is dead,” she whispered.

I nodded. “Me either.” I turned to her. “Do you want to tell me what happened?” I studied her face. “I mean you don’t have to.”

“Do you want to know?”

I thought about that question. “Not really. I’m sort of tired of death.”

She scoffed. “In the wrong profession then; aren’t we?”

I shrugged back. “Don’t see it as a profession since we don’t really have a choice.”

“Fair assessment,” she smiled sadly.

I opened another bottle.

“You drink a lot,” she observed. She clinked the ice in her glass.

“Excuse me?” Wasn’t sure how the hell she could make that assumption.

“Giles told me,” she whispered. “That you were drinking a lot. Excessively and heavily were his words.”

“I have no idea how the hell he’d have known that. I haven’t spoken to Giles since I left.” Maybe I did drink. Who the fuck cared?

“He knew more than you think.” She sat her glass down. “Sometimes he’d tell me. And sometimes I even wanted to know…”

I tried to laugh. “Well, I turned to alcohol. You turned to a Japanese girl. We all deal differently.”

She frowned sadly. “That’s not fair.” She wasn’t mad, just… I don’t know, tired I guess. “Especially because you were drinking before you left. As well as other things…”

I finished the beer and opened another one. I noticed her eyebrow rose in question, but I ignored it. “Yeah, well… you said you didn’t care about that.”

“I guess I did say that…” Her voice was soft and I had to strain to hear her. “I know you were hurting, but…” she paused and took another breath. “But… why?”

“Why’d I do it?” I didn’t bother turning to look at her.

“Yeah,” she whispered.

“You wouldn’t look at me. Or when you did, you cried. When I touched you, you cried. When I spoke, you cried. For three weeks I watched that. Three weeks.”

She shook her head. “You turned everything off. You wouldn’t even talk to me.”

“You were in so much pain, Buffy. I didn’t want you to suffer anymore. I was… it was… I caused all of that pain.”

“And you think sleeping with someone, or probably more than one someone… although,” she held up her hand. “I don’t wanna know that part, so don’t tell me… But you think that didn’t hurt me?”

“Did it?”

“Why? Just tell me why?”

I finished my beer. I didn’t want to answer that question. I didn’t want to answer any of her fucking questions. I waited until I’d opened a fourth before I responded. “Because it hurt. When I slept with them… it fucking hurt. I needed it. The hurt. The pain.”

She watched me drink. “That’s just… that’s just so damn stupid.”

I shrugged. “Never said I was smart. But I am a masochist.”

She shook her head sadly and then stood up. “I’m going to bed,” she finally said, frowning.

I wanted to stop her; I’m not going to lie. But I sort of felt like these roles we both played were set in stone centuries ago, so I just nodded. “See you in the morning.”

She waited a moment at the door. She finally turned around. “Don’t drink too much,” she whispered.

I raised my beer to her. She shook her head and went inside.

I wasn’t sure what her definition of too much was. Honestly, I didn’t have a definition of too much. That was why I stayed out there a couple more hours, just sort of staring at the ocean. I switched to the hard liquor after she went to bed. It was easier. Faster. Every single drink I took kept me from having to think. And more than anything else at the moment, I did not want to think.

There were two bedrooms on the main floor of the house. One of the doors was shut, so I made my way (read stumbled) to the other one and stripped off the my clothes. I’d changed after our little foray into the ocean, but now I was hot. And drunk. I thought about brushing my teeth, and at least attempted to do so… but… washing my face, all the other shit normal people do… out of the fucking question. I was a slayer, and it took me a lot to get drunk. Especially now. But… I’d done a pretty good fucking job of it tonight.

I fell face first on the bed, not even bothering to remove the blankets first. Fuck it… my body felt like it weighed about three hundred pounds. And everything was spinning. Even the bed.

So, of course, I didn’t hear her come in…

“Faith?” She whispered, when she sat down on the bed.

I jumped up. “Fuck! Buffy, you scared the shit out of me.”

Her face was scrunched. “Where are you clothes?”

I pulled the blankets back and threw myself back on the bed, burying my head. “Floor maybe? Don’t know. Don’t care.”

She pulled the sheet off my shoulders and brushed my hair off the back of my neck. I think I was sweating. “Do you do this every night?”

Instead of answering her, I mumbled into the pillow.

I felt her lower the sheet further, and wipe my back. Her finger was tracing a pattern down my spine, back up it. Softly. She ran her fingertips over the small of my back. I fought the fucking urge to moan. She just kept running her fingers up and down, around my back, over my neck, on my sides. Every single place she touched me felt like a hot kiss, and I only half tried to get away from her.

“Don’t,” she whispered.

I didn’t say anything but I also didn’t try to move. I finally turned my head to the side so I could breath. She brushed a lock of hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear.

“I don’t like seeing you like this,” she told me, still tracing a pattern on my skin.

I didn’t answer her. What the fuck could I say?

She stopped suddenly and rose up. I thought she was going to leave, and… I wasn’t sure that I wanted that.

She didn’t though. She climbed into bed beside me. But not before taking off her shirt. She had a pair of panties on, but that was it. I rolled over on my back as she crawled into bed. I didn’t know what she was doing. And I was way too drunk to know if this was smart.

I just want to hold you,” she finally said. “I missed that.” She wrapped her arm around me, and pulled me completely on top of her. “Is that okay?”

And fuck… I forgot how easily I fit here between her legs. “Yeah,” I mumbled, burying my face in her neck. She was still tracing a pattern on my back.

I closed my eyes. I was completely naked. Her body was on fire, and I was so goddamn hot. And I knew… I knew if I let myself… I tried to think of anything else. I finally raised my head, and looked her in the eyes. “What are we doing?” I asked her.

She smiled shyly. Fuck. It was almost too much.

I laid my forehead against hers. “Seriously, B…” Neither one of us were moving at all now. But I was on top of her. And I could feel her. I could feel all of her. Her heart was beating faster. Her breath was shallow. I closed my eyes and circled my hips. Just once. Softly. “Tell me to stop,” I whispered.

She didn’t. She moaned and pulled my lips to hers. I wanted to kiss her. I tried to be soft but she crushed our mouths together, and we both got lost. I could taste the drink she had earlier, but more than that… I could taste, well… Buffy. I hadn’t kissed anyone else, no matter how stupid I was otherwise. I hadn’t kissed anyone in over a year. And when I pushed my tongue in her mouth, when I hear her whimper around it, I honestly had to keep from screaming. Both of her hands were in my hair and she was pulling me so hard against her that had I not been a slayer it would’ve fucking hurt. And I would’ve welcomed the pain. I wrapped my arms around her, crushing our bodies together. She moaned into my mouth again.

I pulled away from her suddenly. “Tell me you want this.”

She nodded. “I want this,” she whispered.

I reached down with one hand and scooted the panties off her body and threw them off the bed. When they were gone, I pressed myself into her as hard as I could. She wrapped her arms around me, pulling me even closer, and I buried my head in her neck again. Kissing her collarbone. Her throat.

When she wrapped her legs around me, I had to fight to keep from coming right there.

I kept telling myself to go slow, to make this last, but I couldn’t… she was bucking underneath me and we were both so wet, I was sliding against her. It was too much so I thrust into her as hard as I could. I knew she could take it. I could hear the “uh uh uh,” noises she makes when she’s close, and I knew there was no way I was lasting long. When her breathing got even more labored, I rose up suddenly and grabbed her hands, holding them over her head.

The move shocked her, and she opened her eyes. She winked at me. And that was enough. I groaned and she began to buck underneath me. Harder and harder. I matched her thrust for thrust.

She half-heartedly fought to get her hands free, but I just held them tighter. I was fucking her now. Hard. She was groaning and thrashing underneath me and I knew she was about to come.

The sounds she makes, when she comes… it’s the breathy little moans that always send me over the edge. I always waited for her to come, because just hearing them…

When she started breathing out in those short little mouthy bursts and closed her eyes I let go of her hands. I needed the leverage. I pressed my lips against hers and when she came, I could feel her breathing against my mouth, I pushed against her one last time. “Fuck,” I said against her lips, as my body exploded. She put her hands on my ass and twirled her hips, and I was fucking gone. I felt it spread in my stomach and when she pulled me against her as hard as she could, I came. Harder than I had in a very long time.

I lay on top of her for a few minutes. Neither of us spoke. I was having a hard time catching my breath. Or really even opening my eyes at this point. Finally, I tried to move. I figured I was smothering her. Even though she still had her legs around me.

“Don’t,” she whispered in my hair. “Stay.”

I nodded. You didn’t have to fucking tell me twice.

* * *

_Car seats were stupid. Who invented these damn things? I needed a degree in nuclear physics to get this shit in the car._

_Dawn came out to check if I had it buckled correctly. No doubt cause B called her. Whatever._

_“Where’s the bug?” I asked her._

_“Inside with Giles.” She smiled, checking the straps._

_“You checking up on me?”_

_She shook her head. “No, Miss Paranoid. I’m just helping.”_

_“Maybe I should just leave her here? It’s gonna be dark soon and… you know, she’ll be here when we get back.”_

_Dawn shook her head. “You’re trying to fit in a quickie with my sister.” She smacked my arm. “That’s gross. Eww.”_

_“No I’m not!” I shut the car door. “I’m just nervous, jackass.” I looked up at the sky. “I cannot wait for Buffy to be home. I can’t believe she trusted me to stay with her an entire week by myself.”_

_She patted my arm. “And look at you. She survived.” She smiled at me. “You’re a good mom, Faith.”_

* * *

When I woke up the next morning, I at least knew where I was. However, it took a few moments of clarity to realize what the fuck I had done the night before. How was that okay? One night of drinking, and I’m all “let’s make this relationship just a tad bit more fucking complicated for our daily amusement.” Jesus.

B wasn’t in bed with me. But she was in the house. One good thing about last night – the closer we were the closer our connection. I took a quick shower and got dressed. Buffy was in the kitchen. There was a glass of water on the counter next to one of the pills that woman had given us.

“You’ve got to take that,” she said, handing me a cup of coffee. “I can get you some aspirin too if you want.”

I shook my head. “No aspirin. I’m good,” I told her, swallowing the pill. I took the cup of coffee. “I don’t really have hangovers that much anymore.”

She nodded. “Slayer metabolism,” she said.

“More like alcoholic metabolism, but whatever.” I took a drink of the coffee. “Want me to make you breakfast?”

She shook her head. “No. Coffee’s enough.” She had on a bathing suit, with a small skirt wrapped around it. Her hair was pulled back in a bun.

It was dark last night. And I hadn’t been in what you could call “ a right mind” for a while now. But it was the first time I’d noticed how skinny she was. “You haven’t eaten a lot since we’ve gotten here,” I ventured.

“I’m not hungry a lot,” she sighed. She looked outside. “I’ve really missed…”

I wanted to tell her I had to.

“...the beach,” she finished.

Glad I didn’t fucking say anything.

“I want to just go sit outside for a while.” She moved around me. And then turned around. “I’m not going to… I’m not going swimming.”

I nodded at her. “Why don’t you stay up by the pool?” So I can see you, I didn’t say.

She looked like she wanted to say no, but instead just nodded. “Okay,” she finally said. “I owe you that.” She pulled open the door. “You can come with me, if you want I mean. I’m okay with that.”

“You seem like you need alone time,” I told her.

“Ha,” she sighed. “Alone time is about all I’ve had for a while now. Maybe I’m tired of alone time.”

I watched her walk out and decided I would join her. What the hell else did we have to do here? Yesterday, she’d bought us both bathing suits. Said we’d need them. I mean we were in the Caribbean, so obviously a bathing suit would be handy. I’d just brushed her off and said “get me whatever,” because she knew what I liked.

I pulled the suit out of the bag. And apparently she’d forgotten. I ran back outside, suit in hand. “Uh… is this yours? Where’s the one you bought me?”

She looked over her sunglasses at me. “That is the one I bought you.”

I shook my head. “Uh no. No it’s not.” I winced. “I’m going naked.”

“No you’re not.” She sat up. “Put it on and stop being a baby.”

“It’s purple,” I whined. “Like light purple…”

She sighed. “Lavender.”

“It’s got little bows on the hips. Bows,” I whined. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“You look good in lavender,” she half-smiled. “Besides, you want a different bathing suit, you can pick it out yourself.” She lay back again. “Cause all I recall is, ‘just get me whatever, B,’ and that’s what I did.”

“This is a punishment for something, isn’t it?” I continued to whine. “I’ve never gone one fucking day in my life wearing something with a bow on it. Not once.”

She shrugged, disinterested. “You haven’t done anything that needs punishing, you big whiner. Just go put the thing on and stop crying about it.”

“Whatever,” I huffed, walking back inside. I sat down and looked at the sun through the window. It was a pretty day. And it was warm. And I didn’t want to sit in here all day sulking. Plus maybe B and I could, you know, talk or something. Aw fuck it… I got undressed and put it on.

When I walked out, she was trying her damndest not to laugh. “Nice,” she whistled.

“Shut up,” I muttered, sitting down on a lounge chair on the other side of the pool. I lay back and crossed my arms.

She sat her chair up. “Why are you sitting all the way over there?”

I didn’t rise up. “Because I look like a fucking flower. And I clash with that little green number you’ve got on.”

She laughed. “I think you look sweet.”

Sweet. Ugh. Fuck that. I sat up quickly and ripped my top off.

“What are you doing?” She yelled.

I looked around. “No one but you and me, blondie. Ain’t like you haven’t seen them before. No way I’m staying in that thing all day. And I don’t want tan lines.” At least I could get rid of half of it.

“Put it back on,” she said, looking around to see if someone had magically popped up and saw my boobs or some shit.

“No. One. Is. Here.” I told her. “Relax.”

“Ugh,” she huffed. “Just keep the bottoms on.”

“Deal,” I told her standing up. I reached down and ripped the little bows off.

“Faith!”

“What? I didn’t tear it.”

She groaned, and flipped over on her stomach. “Fine. I’m taking a nap.”

I shrugged, not that she saw me… and then jumped in the water. “Whatever,” I called when I came up.

She didn’t say anything but I could see her laughing, even if she was trying to hide it. I don’t know why, but that made me feel better than anything had in a long time.

After I’d swam a few laps, I hopped out of the pool where B was sitting. She was sitting up with her arms around legs.

“Are you going to put your top on?”

I shrugged and grabbed a towel to dry my hair. “Does it bother you?”

She shrugged back. “I don’t care.” She looked around. “Why did we never leave Scotland?”

It was definitely a loaded question. I’d spent a lot of the past year asking myself similar questions. Would things have been different? “I don’t know,” I finally said.

She nodded. “Do you think things are supposed to happen? Fate and what not?”

“If I weren’t a slayer, I’d say no… but things are different for us.” I sat down on the chair next to her and wrapped the towel around me.

“I spend a lot of time thinking about that. How things could’ve been different. If I’d been in the car that night… maybe I would have seen something…”

I wasn’t sure I could talk about this. “There was nothing to see.”

She nodded again. “I know.” She closed her eyes. “When you were in the hospital…”

I stood up. “Don’t…”

She moved her chair back so that she was lying down and covered her face. “You were…”

I moved closer to her. “Buffy! Don’t… I can’t…”

She opened her eyes and looked at me. “I don’t have anyone to talk to about any of this, Faith.” She sighed. “I wanted to talk to you, but… you weren’t there. I just don’t understand how you’d moved on.”

I’d left a bottle of bourbon on the table last night. I moved to get it and took a couple of drinks. “I haven’t moved on. I just move around. There’s a big difference.” I took another drink.

She motioned with her hand for me to come back. I sat down on the edge of her chair. She took the bottle from me and sat it on the ground. “How much do you drink?”

I looked at the bottle and then back at her face. “I don’t know how to answer that.”

She frowned at me. “Is it every night?”

I took a deep breath. Was I supposed to be honest? What was the point of all of this?

She seemed to notice that I wasn’t going to talk, so she picked up the bottle and took a drink. She wrinkled her face up in disgust and held the bottle out so she could look at it. “Does this make it easier?”

I took it from her. “If I drink enough of it.” I took a swig. “Maybe not easier. Just makes it numb. Numb is good.”

She shook her head. “I don’t like it.”

I stood up. “Well, I don’t like that you don’t eat.” I moved to the other chair. “Or that you found someone else.” I sat back and closed my eyes. “I heard her say she loved you.”

“Yeah,” she whispered. “She does.”

I felt my stomach clinch. “Do you love her?”

She didn’t answer me.

I took another drink. She was staring behind me, at the ocean. I’d thought I lost her and decided to just finish the bottle when she finally spoke. “I don’t blame you,” she whispered. “Not anymore.”

“But you did,” I murmured.

She nodded slowly. “I had to blame someone.”

Me too. “It’s all good. I blame myself too. So we at least agree on that.” I wrapped the towel tighter around me. “Is there where you want to be? Here with me?”

“I used to think that seeing you again would make it all come back.”

“Does it?”

“I don’t know. In some ways – yes. But, in other ways… all I know is that I couldn’t be there anymore. I can’t believe I stayed as long as I did…”

I turned over and buried my head under my arms. “I dreamt about it a lot.” I paused to see if she would stop me. She didn’t. “That night.” I paused again. I could hear her breathing but she wasn’t saying anything. “Everything I could have done differently, I’ve dreamt about. I still remember those little sounds she made. But not when I’m awake. I can’t remember it when I’m awake.” I swallowed.

“I can’t either,” she whispered.

I rose up and looked at her.

She looked away. “At some point, I stopped thinking about it all the time. Like one day there was a few minutes when I didn’t think about her. And then a few hours. I remember the first time I really smiled. Laughed. I always felt sick afterwards.” She frowned. “Angel told me about L.A.”

I looked away. “Wasn’t his place.”

She shrugged. “Guess he felt differently. He said it took him a while to figure out what you were really doing.”

“Didn’t work, did it?” I sighed. “I think about all those times a vamp almost got me and then when I don’t care anymore I run across a bunch of fucking newbies who couldn’t bite an elephant.” I laughed mockingly. “Ironic, huh? An original slayer – ripe for the picking – and not a one of them could finish the job.” I took another drink. “Sort of figured death was too good for me.”

She frowned again. “Well maybe you’re right… maybe we’re not finished. Maybe there is such a thing as fate.”

“Maybe,” I told her. “I feel fucking finished though.”

She nodded. “Me too.”

* * *

After we talked, I drank the rest of the bottle and fell asleep in the chair. When I woke, B wasn’t outside. I couldn’t feel her and I started to panic. I scanned the shoreline… just in case. No Buffy. I went inside. “Buffy!”

She didn’t answer.

I waited about ten minutes before the real fear started to set in. What if she did something? What if she was in the ocean right now? What if she left and decided to go back to Scotland? I was on the verge of actual tears when the door opened.

“Hey!” She said brightly.

“Buffy!” I ran over to her and grabbed her shoulders. “I almost called Red.” I shook her. “Where the hell have you been?!?”

She cocked her head at me. “Did you not get my note?”

What the fuck? “What note?”

“On the refrigerator…” She walked into the kitchen and grabbed a piece of paper off the fridge. “See? _‘Faith I went to town. Be back after lunch._ ’” She read to me. “I figured you’d see it.”

I shook my head violently. “No! No I didn’t see it!”

She rubbed my arm. “Okay. It’s okay. Just calm down.” She smiled softly. “I’m back. It’s okay.”

I nodded and tried to control my breathing. “Okay,” I finally said.

She pulled something out of one of the bags I’d just now noticed she was carrying. “I got you a different bathing suit. See?” She said, holding it up. “Black. Is that better?”

Jesus Christ. She’d just about given me a damn coronary. I finally nodded. “That was sweet,” I whispered.

She smiled again and shrugged. “Sometimes I’m sweet, Faith.” She handed it to me. “Do you like it?”

I nodded and laid it down on the counter and pulled her to me. “Don’t do that again,” I whispered in her hair. “Please,” my voice was desperate.

“I’m sorry,” she said. She pulled away and put her hand on my cheek. “Look at me.” I did. “I’m sorry. Okay?” She brushed my hair out of my eyes with her other hand. “I just wanted to do something nice for you. I should’ve woken you up first, but I wanted it to be a surprise.”

“It’s okay,” I said, pulling her back to me. I didn’t want to let her go.

She let me hold her for a moment before pulling back. “I called Angel while I was in town,” she said.

Great… I nodded. “How’s the big guy?”

She sat the other bags she was carrying down. “He said you called him yesterday.”

Of course he did. Asshole. “Look B, I’m…”

She shook her head. “It’s okay. I understand.” She held up her hand to stop me. “He said Will and the others have been calling him.”

“What’d he tell them?” I asked her.

“That we were fine. He didn’t tell them where we were or anything. But…” She trailed off.

“But what?”

“He said there was a phone here,” she moved to the pantry and pulled it out. “We can plug it in. They can’t trace it. He thinks if we call them and tell them we’re fine, maybe they’ll back off.”

Doubt they gave a shit if I was fine. “You think that’ll work?”

She shook her head. “No. But… we could try.”

I shrugged. I didn’t really give a shit either way. Red hadn’t done me any favors or anything. But I guess we at least owed Ken an explanation seeing as she had stuck her neck out for us and shit. “Did he say anything about Ken? She get in trouble?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. He didn’t say.” She sighed. “I hope she didn’t.” She plugged the phone into the wall jack. “Should I?”

I gestured with my hand. “Go for it…”

She put the phone on speaker and dialed. She smiled sadly at me while it rang.

“Hello?” Will said on the third ring.

“Willow,” Buffy answered.

“Buffy! Oh my god! Where are you?”

B closed her eyes. “You know I’m not going to tell you that.”

“Are you okay? Has Faith hurt you?”

What the fuck was wrong with Red? “She’s fine,” I said. Jesus.

“No one asked you!” She screamed through the phone. “What are you doing to her?”

“Nothing,” B sighed.

“Buffy, just tell us where you are,” I heard Dawn say. Apparently, we were on speakerphone as well.

“No, Dawnie. I just wanted to call and tell you guys we’re okay.”

“Buff,” Xander started. “Is Faith making you say that? Just tell us okay. We’ll protect you.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Faith isn’t making me say anything, Xander. Stop being ridiculous.”

I just loved how the dumbass thought he could protect anyone from a continent away.

“Did she take you, Buffy?” It was a voice I didn’t recognize. I fucking knew who it was though.

I started to speak, but B put her hand on my arm. “No. No one took me anywhere. If anything I made Faith go. Not the other way around.” She rubbed my arm. “Look, I know you guys are upset and that you think I’ve made a mistake or something but I just can’t be there anymore. I want you to respect that.”

“We can’t believe that,” Red said.

“Look Buffy,” Dawn started. “We know this is hard. We know you’re hurting but if you’ll just come home we can…” she didn’t finish.

B looked near tears.

I was sort of sick of this. “Do what, Dawn?” I got closer to the phone. “What can any of you do?”

“More than you,” the new one spat out.

“Listen chickie, I don’t know you. But don’t pretend you know me either.” Fucking bitch.

“I know enough,” she growled.

Buffy put her hand on my chest and turned to the phone. “I don’t want to fight with any of you. I need you to understand that I’m okay. And so is Faith.”

“We don’t care if Faith is okay,” Xander said.

“I do,” I heard Ken say in the background. “In case anyone was wondering…”

“Ugh,” Will moaned. “Look Buffy, we just need to see you. That’s it.”

She raised her eyebrow at me. “I don’t think so.”

I shrugged. “Maybe they’ll back off, B,” I said. “If they come here and see you’re okay.”

“I don’t know…” she started.

“You’re at one of the firm’s safe houses, right?” Red asked. “No magic. I can’t do anything. I can’t even transport there.” She sounded hopeful. “If we come there, we’ll fly. I promise. Just to see you’re okay. If you are,” she paused. “If you are, and you want to stay, we’ll leave you alone.”

B looked at me questioningly. I nodded. I didn’t want them here, don’t get me wrong. But if they would back the fuck off, well then maybe…

Buffy finally sighed. “Fine. “ She gave them the address from the phone. “One night. And then you leave. Promise me that.”

“We promise, “ D damn near squealed through the phone.

“We’ll take the jet. Tomorrow night. Okay?” Red asked.

“Okay,” B whispered, hanging up the line. She turned to me. “Are you sure?”

I shrugged. The fact was, I wasn’t sure. “Whatever you need.”

She nodded.

* * *

The rest of the day we sort of spent in silence. It was… well, not exactly comfortable, but at least it was quiet. I thought about not drinking anymore, but the truth was… I hadn’t gone longer than twelve hours without drinking anything in close to a year. And yeah, I had slayer metabolism, but I also had an addiction. I wasn’t that stupid. I knew it.

After dinner, which I made Buffy eat, we sat down in the living room. B had a glass of wine. I had a beer. There were dozens of books in the house. Most of them were shit, but I’d found a few worth reading. Buffy was flipping through a magazine while I read.

She broke the silence after a while. “Do we need to talk about Satsu?”

I closed the book I was reading and sat it on my lap. “I don’t know. Do we?”  
She closed her magazine and took a drink of her wine. “I don’t want it to be uncomfortable tomorrow.”

“Ha! I doubt anything is gonna make this comfortable.” I took another drink. “I figure it ain’t any of my business,” I finally said.

She nodded. “I guess.” She looked away. “Does it bother you?”

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked her.

“I don’t know, Faith. That’s why I asked.”

“Fuck yeah, it bothers me Buffy. She’s basically sleeping with the only person I’ve ever loved. To say it bothers me would be the goddamn understatement of the century.” I went to the liquor cabinet and grabbed a bottle of bourbon. “It’s not like I can do a fucking thing about it. I made the bed I’m lying in right now.”

“Have you…” she looked down. “Have you been seeing anyone?”

I laughed. “That’s a good one,” I said quietly.

She smiled a bit. “I never thought you’d be celibate, Faith.”

I didn’t particularly want to touch that but it wasn’t like I had a choice. “I never said I was.”

Her face looked pained as what I said washed over her. “Oh…”

I gestured with the bottle. “Didn’t mean a goddamn thing.”

She nodded. “Did it last night?” She asked quietly.

Jesus. How the fuck did we get to this point? “Why do you keep asking me questions you already know the answer to?”

“Sometimes I need to hear it.” She sounded so unsure.

“You know I love you, B. I always have. Even before…” I faltered. “Even in Sunnydale. Nothing is ever gonna change that.”

“Even after Eva…”

I closed my eyes. “Eva made everything real. Even after she…” I stopped. I wasn’t going to cry. “Her dying didn’t change that… maybe made me hate myself a little bit. Or a whole fucking lot honestly, but… nothing could ever stop how I feel about you.”

“But you left…” She was crying.

“Because I was killing you by being there. You couldn’t look at me. I had to leave. I loved you enough to leave. Can’t you fucking see that?” I wanted to throw the goddamn bottle across the room. I took a drink instead.

She cried softly for a few minutes. I wanted to hold her, but I wasn’t sure I was supposed to. I stayed where I was.

“Satsu was easy,” she finally said. “When I was with her, I could pretend. I could pretend like it never happened.”

I winced. “Glad you found your escape…”

She winced back. “You found yours too, Faith. You just have to get all the way to the bottom of that bottle to get it.”

I looked at the bottle and took another drink before I laughed. “Honey, my escape is at the bottom of the third or fourth bottle. Not the first.”

She stood up and made her way over to me. She put her hand on the bottle and took it from me. “Leave it. Just tonight. Can you stop just for tonight?”

I wanted to say yes. I swear I did. But… I couldn’t. I needed it. More than I needed her to forgive me. More than I needed to forgive myself. I put my hand over hers and took it back from her. “You’re asking too much of me there, blondie.”

She shook her head sadly. “I think I’ll sleep in my bed tonight,” she said, moving away from me. “Good night, Faith.”

I didn’t respond until after she left. “Night, baby,” I whispered when I knew she was out of earshot.

I don’t remember anything after that.

* * *

_It started raining harder once we left the castle._

_“Ready to see your mommy, baby girl?” I cooed to the back seat._

_Eva had taken a nap before we left. B’d installed one of those mirrors so I could see her while I was driving. I never let B drive with her in the car because B could not drive. I don’t mean she drove a little bad. She could not drive. At all. It was terrifying to be in the car with her._

_She obviously didn’t answer me, because she was a year old and shit. She’d just sort of cooed at me and then smiled. She was probably super ready for her mommy. I mean I bathed her, and fed her, and cuddled with her. And it was true that I was the one who could get her to stop crying. And could make her do that little giggly thing that was more adorable than a roomful of puppies, but… I mean Buffy gave birth to her. She just had this gift. Like if Eva was crying, B knew it even before she heard it. That shit blew me away. I could sleep through a tsunami._

_I had both of my eyes on the road that night. I drove like a grandmother with her in the car. I obeyed every traffic law ever invented. I used my blinkers, kept both hands on the wheel… I was a model driver._

_But, you know… you can’t control everything. Or everyone. And no matter how safe I was, or tried to be, I couldn’t have stopped that guy from drinking that night. God knows I would’ve if I could’ve. I’d have ripped his goddamn head straight off his shoulders._

_Fate is stupid sometimes. I didn’t get a chance to hurt him._

_No one did._

* * *

When I woke up the next morning, it was close to noon. B was already dressed.

“If they’re coming tonight, we’re going to need more food.” She said, putting on her sunglasses. “Do you want to go to the market with me?”

I shook my head and made myself a cup of coffee. There was some Bailey’s in the cabinet and I poured a couple of shots in with it. “No. I think I’ll stay here.”

She looked sad. “Please don’t do that, Faith. Please.” Her voice was small.

I took a drink of coffee. I was gonna need more than one cup today. “Look, I know that they need to see that you’re okay. I get it. I just don’t particularly relish the fact that I’ve gotta be here at the same time.” She looked worried. I held up my hand. “I ain’t going anywhere.” I gestured at the bottle. “This helps me get through the day, Buffy. I don’t know what to tell you.”

She rubbed the bridge of her nose like she was worried. “I want to… I’m not going to fight this battle with you right now, Faith, but… I need you to understand something. I don’t want to watch you do this to yourself. I knew it was bad but…” She moved over to me and took my hand. “I don’t want you to keep hurting yourself.”

I scoffed. “That’s rich.”

She took my coffee from me and sat it down on the counter. She took both my hands and brought them to her lips. I closed my eyes when she kissed them. When I opened them she was touching my cheek. “You’re really beautiful,” she whispered. She put her hand behind my neck and pulled my forehead to hers. “And sad.”

I closed my eyes again and nodded. I didn’t trust myself to talk.

She kissed my forehead. “I don’t know why you’re afraid to cry,” she said. She ran her hand through my hair, before kissing my forehead again. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” I mumbled out. I hadn’t moved or opened my eyes.

She pulled back and looked at me. “Open you eyes.” I did. “For being so lost in my own grief, I completely ignored yours.”

I swallowed to keep from crying. I wanted to say I was sorry for causing it. For everything, but I knew if I spoke nothing but sobs would come out and I couldn’t…

She finally let go. “I’ll be back in a few hours.” She said, kissing my cheek. “It’ll be okay. I promise.”

I nodded at her as she left. I didn’t believe her. Nothing about them coming here could be okay.

* * *

By the time she’d got back, I’d had a shower and made my way through a bottle of whiskey. The liquor she’d found in the cabinet was gone, but there were boxes of it in the garage. I didn’t know if B knew or not, but I wasn’t going to offer up the information.

When she came back, she pushed her sunglasses on the top of her head and frowned as she sat the groceries down.

I expected her to say something about the drink in my hand, but she ignored it. “Want to help me put these up?” She smiled.

“Sure,” I replied, glad we’d avoided it. “What time you think they’ll get here.”

She shrugged. “They said tonight, so probably soon.” She put her hand over mind. “You sure you’re okay with this.”

I nodded. “Whatever you need, B. I’ve already told you that.”

She studied me for a minute. “I know what you said, but…” She didn’t get to finish cause the doorbell rang. She cocked her eyebrow at me. “Guess they’re early?” She tried to laugh.

Fuck if this wasn’t gonna be a big hoot…

I followed Buffy into the living room as she opened the door. She was attacked by a giant bear hug from Red, Dawn, and Xander.

“Buffy!” All three of them screamed like she’d just risen from the dead again.

I hung back. I was more than glad to see Ken with them. And less than fucking thrilled to see the other one.

“Buff,” the person I could only assume was Satsu said, pulling her into a hug. She moved to kiss her.

I took another goddamn drink.

“It’s so beautiful here,” Red started.

Were they about to make fucking small talk?

“So… I’ll just be outside,” I said to the room before this shit got anymore awkward.

“Faith, wait.” B said.

I turned around and grabbed the bottle off the coffee table. “Nah. You guys talk. I’m feeling helluva out of place at the moment.” I walked out and shut the door behind me.

Truth was I didn’t want to sit in there and listen to them tell her what a mistake she was making. I didn’t know if she would believe it. If she went back with them… that was it… I couldn’t do this anymore. Being near her and then having her taken away… I wouldn’t survive it. And I didn’t want to.

I heard the door slide behind me after a few minutes but I didn’t bother turning around. “Ken.”

She had a glass in her hand. “Can I have some?”

I nodded and poured her a drink. “How was the flight?”

She groaned. “Long.” She took a drink.

“Why aren’t you in there making with the big intervention with the others?” I asked her.

“Well,” she sighed. “Number one – it’s really fucking pointless cause she ain’t coming back. And number two – I figured someone else is in need of an intervention right now.”

I scoffed. “That right?”

“Yep.” She was staring out at the water. “This sure the shit beats the hell out of Scotland.”

I nodded. “No shit.”

She took a deep breath. “So… you been on this bender for a whole year now?”

I took a drink. “What’s it fucking to you?”

She turned and looked at me. “Well you’re my friend, asshole. And based on the empty bottles in that kitchen you’re drinking enough for seven goddamn people.”

“How do you know that’s all mine?”

She rolled her eyes. “Are you serious? The most Buffy drinks – a glass of wine. Or some fruity shit that tastes like candy. No way she’s drinking that shit in there.”

I shrugged. “I’ve got a high metabolism.”

“I don’t care how high you’re fucking metabolism is. There’s no way in hell you aren’t killing your liver with this shit, Faith. The damn circles under your eyes give you away.” She took another drink and sat her glass down. “Have you been doing this shit for a year? Are you trying to kill yourself?”

I sat still. “I was at first,” I finally said.

She nodded. “And now?”

“I can’t really stop…”

“Right.” She took the bottle from me. “Have you tried?” She sounded sad.

“Yeah,” I told her. “A couple of times. I can’t take it.”

She touched my shoulder. “It’s hard. But it’s gonna kill you if you don’t stop. You know that, don’t you?”

I looked away. “So the fuck what?”

She sneered. “You wanna do that to Buffy?” She shook her head. “Cause that’ll be it for her. She won’t survive your death too. You’ll just be giving her permission to die. And then something finally will be your fault.”

“Buffy’s moved on,” I said quietly.

“Right,” she mocked. “And that’s why she ran off with you the other day. Why do you pretend to be fucking stupid? That shit gets so old.”

I gestured at the house with my hand. “They fucking hate me.”

“Well, they’re being idiots. They needed someone to blame, and lookie here – you gave them that didn’t you? They were championing you until you fucked that girl, you dumbass. And then you left like a coward. You made sure to play the bad guy, cause that’s what everyone expects from Faith. But you look like a goddamn idiot. Because you’re playing the victim instead.”

Fuck her. I grabbed the bottle and swallowed the remnants. “No one fucking asked you, Kennedy.”

“I don’t give a damn. You think you two are the only ones that suffered when she died? Get over yourself for two goddamn seconds. You self-centered, fucking…” she took a breath. “We all loved her. All of us. We were all broken. Maybe she wasn’t my daughter,” she took a deep breath. “… so the hell what? I loved her.”

I shook my head. “You don’t understand…”

She took the bottle from me and threw it against the patio. It shattered. “Fuck you!” she screamed. She stood up. “Fuck you.” She muttered again. She was shaking.

Before I could get up, everyone ran out of the house.

“What’s going on?” Buffy looked at me.

“Ken, what is it?” Red asked.

Kennedy was still shaking but managed to compose herself. I stayed where I was, staring at her.

“I…” she faltered and looked at me. “Nothing,” she finally said.

Buffy put her hands on her hips. “Faith?”

“Nothing,” I mumbled back.

Satsu was staring daggers at me. Fuck her.

“What the fuck are you looking at?” I asked her.

“A drunk,” she mumbled.

I jumped up and lunged at her. Buffy caught me around the waist. “Stop it,” she hissed. She threw me in the chair. “Stay put,” she turned to Kennedy. “Both of you.”

Ken sulked but sat back down.

She looked at Red and the others. “Give me five minutes.”

Red and Satsu started to protest, but Dawn and Xander ushered them back inside.

B sat down on the table across from us. “What was that about?” She asked when they went inside.

Ken rolled her eyes. “Nothing. I just forgot how much I missed Faith is all.”

B ignored her and turned to me. “Want to know the only person who never stopped talking about you? Who bugged Giles daily for news to see if you were okay? Who made Angel the first person on her speed dial so she could check on you?”

I didn’t answer.

“Shut up, Buffy.” Ken said.

“All that money you thought the council was sending you,” Buffy sighed. “Willow had cut off. All of it. I didn’t know that until Angel told me today. But they weren’t paying you. And yet you still had money. More than when you lived in Scotland, actually. Wonder where that came from?”

“Shut up, Buffy,” Ken warned again.

B continued to ignore her and touched my hand. “I’m staying here with you, Faith…”

“Told ya so,” K muttered beside us.

I looked away.

Buffy cut her eyes at her. “But… I’m not the only person that cares about you.” She patted Kennedy’s knee. “We all need someone on our side,” she said, winking at her. She stood up. “I’ve got to go convince them that I’m not crazy,” she half-smiled at us. “A lot harder than it sounds,” she said thoughtfully before going back inside.

Neither of us said anything when she went back in. I finally got up and began picking up the glass that was shattered everywhere.

“What are you doing?” Ken asked.

“I sorta walk out here barefoot, jackass,” I told her, smacking her on the arm.

She rolled her eyes and bent down to help me. “You’re the jackass.”

I smiled. “About what she said… the money… you didn’t have to…”

She held up her hand. “Save it. I know about you and pride. I’m gonna beat her ass for telling you that. But…” She chucked a piece of the bottle in the garbage behind my head. “I also have more money than God.” She chucked another piece. “So let’s just not talk about that. Deal?”

I threw a piece over my head without looking. “Deal,” I said.

We finished quickly.

“Ready to face the wolves?” She asked me.

“Fuck no,” I muttered.

She stood and lent me a hand. “Tough shit.”

* * *

When we got inside, everyone was in the living room. We both could tell we’d walked into a tense moment. Dawn was crying quietly and both Red and Xander were pacing. Satsu was sitting across the room on the edge of a chair. Everyone stopped talking when we walked in.

Ken sat down on the couch beside D and patted her knee. I stayed where I was.

Red watched me for a moment before continuing. “Okay, we get that Faith didn’t force you to come here, Buffy but…” she looked at me. “Do you think this is what you need?” She hesitated. “What Faith needs?”

Xander nodded. “I know she screwed up…”

I raised my hand. “Uh, standing right here, jackass.”

He ignored me. “… but it is fair to do this to her, Buff?”

Buffy sighed. “What exactly do you think I’m doing, Xander?”

Dawn composed herself. “Buffy, you know that you and Faith can’t stay here pretending like nothing happened. That Giles isn’t dead. That Eva didn’t die.”

Buffy stood up. “No one here is pretending anything!” She yelled. “I’m sick of all if it. The pitiful looks. The frowns. The freaking cold weather. I hate it there.”

Satsu stood up and walked over to her. “Then we’ll come here.” She looked at Red for conformation. “If that’s what you need…”

I stepped closer to them. “Uh no…”

Satsu moved around Buffy. “I know you’re hurting, Faith. I get you suffered too. But what you did was inexcusable. You hurt her. No one is stupid enough to think you won’t do it again.” She stepped into my personal space then.

Big fucking mistake.

I stuck my finger in her chest. “Listen here, I don’t know who the hell you think you’re fucking with but you’re about to find out.”

She took my hand away from her chest. “Look at me shaking at worthless drunk threatening me.”

I twisted the hand that was holding mine and then punched her with my other fist. She fell backwards. “You should be,” I called down to her.

“Faith!” Red screamed and ran over to her. “What’s wrong with you?”

B was watching with her mouth open. She hadn’t moved. Everyone else jumped up. When Satsu got up she was shaking and lunged at me. Ken grabbed her and threw her on the couch before I could hit her again.

“Don’t move,” Ken hissed at her.

Buffy finally moved and walked over and took my hand. She guided me to the other side of the room and moved to stand in front of me.

“Okay, well now that everyone has seen that I’m here of my own freewill, you can go. First thing in the morning.” She looked pointedly at Satsu. “All of you.”

Satsu went to get up and I tried to move around B. She held me back without even turning around. “I did not invite you here to attack Faith,” she said, looking around the room. “Or to be talked into returning. I wanted to show you that I was okay.”

“But you aren’t okay,” Dawn said.

Buffy sighed. “And I probably never will be. But I am trying here.” She turned around and looked at me. “And Faith needs me…”

I wasn’t sure what she meant, but I kept quiet.

Buffy started shaking her head. “Look, I’m not doing this anymore. I’m tired. I want to go to bed,” She said to the room. “There are three bedrooms upstairs and an extra bedroom downstairs.” She pointed at the couches. “And two couches. So figure out where you’re going to sleep. I had them bring a rental car here this afternoon. So we’ll drive you to the airport tomorrow.” She looked around the room. “I wish this would’ve gone better, but I didn’t ask you here to fight.” She shook her head and walked out.

I didn’t miss the fact that she said we had four bedrooms open. That meant I was supposed to sleep with her, right? They were all staring at me – expecting me to say something, I guessed. Except Ken, who was smiling like she was in on a joke the rest of us were missing.

I didn’t give them a chance to talk. I grabbed one of the other bottles I’d been drinking and followed B. She was in the bedroom I’d been sleeping in, putting her clothes in the drawer. She turned around when I came in and noticed the bottle in my hand. She sighed and turned back around, finishing what she was doing.

I sat down on the bed and grabbed a glass and poured myself a drink.

When she was finished she came and stood in front of me. “You’re an alcoholic.”

“No shit,” I muttered.

“I want you to stop,” she said firmly.

“Not that easy.”

“Do you want to stay here with me?” She asked, her hands on her hips.

I closed my eyes. I debated on whether I should finish the drink but… I had to. “Is that an ultimatum?”

She nodded.

 “Yes,” I finally whispered.

“Then you’ve got to try.” She took the bottle from me. “No more tonight.”

I wasn’t drunk. I’d had a lot to drink today, but nowhere near as much as I wanted. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

She sat down beside me and put her hand on my knee. “I don’t know if I can get up every morning. I don’t know how to take a damn breath. It’s hard.”

My face must have registered the shock of what she said.

“Fucking hard,” she repeated. She shook her head. “But I do it. So, you get to do it too. I’ve lost everything else in this world and I’m not about to lose you too. “ She rubbed my knee. “But I can’t do it by myself. I need you to help me. I want to help you.” She took the glass out of my hand and turned my face toward hers. “I love you,” she whispered.

I closed my eyes. “I just needed you to say it.” I started crying.

She pulled me to her and laid my head against her chest. “I know, baby,” she said rubbing my head. She lay back on the bed and took me with her.

I hated crying. Hated it. And I was fucking sobbing. But she was holding me. And something inside me broke. “I’m so sorry,” I choked out. “I’m so sorry.” I was blubbering. “I’m so sorry.” I couldn’t breathe. “I loved her so much. I loved her. I loved her…”

She held me tighter against her. “I know.” She was rocking me like a baby. “I know.”

“It just hurts so much,” I cried. “It feels like I’m dying every day.” I was choking. “I wanted to die. I killed her.”

She kissed my head. “No you didn’t, Faith. It was an accident. A stupid accident.”

“It hurts.” I was crying so hard I almost didn’t understand myself.

She nodded against the top of my head. She was holding me as tight as she ever had. “I know it does. Believe me, I know. But, I’m not leaving you this time. I promise. No matter what. Okay?” She whispered. “You’re stuck with me. Okay?”

I nodded against her. “Promise?” I whispered back.

“Promise.”

* * *

_They said Buffy screamed when they told her._

_I don’t know who found us. I just don’t remember. I tried. But there’s just… there’s nothing there. Not after those lights. I can still see the lights. The lights are always there._

_She waited for us at the airport. I couldn’t imagine that. Just sitting there. Realizing finally that we weren’t coming. Did she think something happened? That I’d forgotten? That I’d run away?_

_She never told me. Who came and got her that night. Who told her. Who held her when she cried._

_Of course… of course, I’d never asked._

When I woke up, she wasn’t there.

And I was a big girl. I’d spent the last year sleeping by myself (well most nights. The nights I didn’t, I tended not to remember anyway). But… there was that familiar feeling of panic setting in when I noticed she was gone.

I rose and took a deep breath in order to control my breathing. I concentrated on trying to feel her. There were two other slayers in the house and it took me a second to connect, but she was still there.

Now I was faced with a decision. If she wasn’t in bed that meant she was out there. With them. I mean she’d basically just announced to the room she was tired at like six o’clock in the afternoon. So obviously she wasn’t sleeping. So did I go out there? Did I stay in here? I rolled over and looked at the clock. It was ten. I’d fucking slept for four hours.

I stood up and looked in the mirror. Oh hell… I looked liked shit. I went in the bathroom and washed my face and brushed my teeth. I pulled my hair back in a ponytail and threw on a pair of shorts and t-shirt. And then I just stared at myself. I wanted to go out there. See what B was doing. But I didn’t. Because it some ways I didn’t want to know.

After about five minutes of arguing with my reflection, I figured fuck it, and decided to go find her.

I could hear voices in the living room. But only two. I started to turn around when I realized who the other one was. But fuck it. If I could feel B… she could feel me.

“Am I interrupting?” I announced when I walked in.

Buffy was sitting in a chair on one side of the room, her legs underneath her. Satsu was sitting on the couch.

B shook her head at me. “Sleep well?”

Satsu wouldn’t look at me. I surveyed the room. Trying to figure out where to sit. “Apparently.”

B nodded.

I finally decided to just sit in the chair on the opposite side of the couch. This was helluva awkward. But no way I was leaving that chick in here with her now. I avoided eye contact with Satsu because I still wanted to clock her. “So what are you doing?” I asked Buffy.

“We were just talking,” she smiled sadly.

Satsu huffed but didn’t speak.

I didn’t know if I should be in here or not. Maybe I was interrupting. Maybe B needed this. Me throttling this bitch would probably make things more complicated.

“Did you know about us?” So she could speak.

“Excuse me?”

She turned and looked at me pointedly. “Did you know about us?” She gestured to Buffy. “Buffy and me? Did you know we were together?”

“B told me. I saw you with her. In Scotland the other day.” I was watching B’s face as I talked. She was looking away.

“No,” Satsu said, shaking her head. “Before. Did you know about us before?”

“No. I didn’t.”

She nodded. “No. You didn’t. You didn’t know anything at all about Buffy. Because you hadn’t bothered to check on her. Not once.”

“Satsu don’t…” B started.

I held up my hand to stop Buffy and turned to the girl. “I didn’t. You’re right. Got a point you’re tryin to make or are you just talking?”

“Oh, I’ve got a point. You said, I didn’t know you. Fair. I don’t. Because you left. Like a coward. You left her broken, nursing whatever wound it was you thought needed nursing. Because you run. Isn’t that right?”

“Satsu…” B started again.

I fought the urge to stand up. “No, let her talk,” I said to her. I turned to Satsu. “I know what I did. I don’t need anyone fucking drawing me a map. But you have no idea what I’ve…”

“Right,” she said, interrupting me. “No idea what you’ve been through. Losing a child? Is that it? Because Buffy didn’t suffer that same fate. Just you. It was all about you.”

Buffy sighed and stood up. “Okay, that’s enough.”

“Is it Buffy?” She asked, turning to her. “Is that it? I just get tossed aside when she swoops back in,” she looked briefly at me. “I don’t understand. We were good…” Her voice choked. I started to feel like I was in the wrong fucking place. I thought about getting up and just leaving them to hash this shit out on their own “I love you.” And yep, never mind.

“So do I,” I stated.

Buffy sighed. “I don’t know what to say,” she finally answered. She got up and sat down next to her. I found myself gripping the fuck out the armrests. “I wouldn’t have survived without you,” she told her.

I looked away.

“Do you love me?” Satsu asked her.

I could feel B staring at me. No fucking way I was turning around. I really should have just got up and left, but it was like some damn horror movie and I couldn’t stop.

“It’s not that simple,” B whispered.

“It used to be.” She scoffed. “Of course, there was no Faith then. Is that it? Faith comes back and what… you don’t love me anymore?”

“No. That’s not it.” B finally answered.

I stood up. “So, I’m just gonna go for a walk.” I did not want to hear any fucking more of this.

Buffy grabbed my arm. “Wait,” she said, pulling me back. “Sit down, please.”

I sat in the chair she’d just occupied and crossed my arms.

“I love Faith more.” B finally said. “I’ve never felt the same way about anyone. I’ve never even felt close…” She sighed and I tried not to fucking smile. “I do love you,” she whispered to her. I didn’t want to wince but I’m sure I did, cause B shot me a look. “But… it’s not the same.”

“Because I’m safe. Because I won’t run. Because I put you first,” Satsu said. “Because I’m not dangerous.” She cut her eyes at me. “I’m not a murderer.” She jumped up.

I copied suit. “Wanna find out how dangerous?” I asked her.

“Yes,” She said. “I do.” She stalked over to me.

Buffy stood up between us. “Sit down!” She yelled at me. She turned to Satsu. Her voice was sadder. “That’s not why I love her. And that’s not who she is.”

Satsu rolled her eyes. “You’re perfect together. You’re both self-centered. Self-destructive.” She pushed past her. “Maybe you’ll both get what you want and you’ll finally kill each other.” She huffed, walking out.

When she was gone, I touched her shoulder. “B…”

“Don’t,” she muttered, shrugging me off. She walked onto the patio.

I didn’t follow her. I just opened a bottle.

* * *

_I moved through the week after the accident in a fog._

_How are you supposed to comfort someone when you can’t get passed your own grief? It wasn’t a question I asked myself at the time, but it was the excuse I used later._

_The funeral was… well it was awful. I’d declined the pain medicine (my leg was broken), and the anxiety medicine (and so was everything else)._

_But B hadn’t. She was a zombie. I didn’t know what they had given her. I didn’t ask._

_We stood outside in the rain. And people said things. There were speeches about life being cut too short. The loss of a child._

_And it was just awful._

_I cried that day. But B didn’t._

_Not that day. That day she stood there with her arms around her body. She wouldn’t let anyone hold an umbrella for her. And she refused to hold one herself. She just stood there, shivering in the rain._

_I stood beside her. Kennedy helped me stand. I was on crutches. But I couldn’t look at her._

_That was the first night I drank an entire bottle of scotch. I sat in her bedroom staring at the mobile above her bed, alone, and didn’t stop until I passed out._

_When I woke up the next morning and looked outside, B was still standing there._

* * *

I drank the whole bottle before B came back inside.

She stood across the room and stared at me. Her arms were wrapped around her body. I shuddered at the memory it brought back.

“Why?” She finally asked.

“Why what?” I was drunk. I hadn’t eaten anything and I’d downed the bottle pretty fast.

She didn’t move from where she was standing. “Why can’t you try? If I’m willing to try, why can’t you?” She rubbed her temples. “Do you even want to stop?”

I went to stand up and the room started spinning. I fell back in the chair. “I don’t need the lecture, Buffy.” I crossed my arms. “It’s not like I’m shooting up heroin.”

“Only you would qualify an addiction,” she muttered. “I don’t want to lose you, Faith.”

“I’m not fucking going anywhere, Buffy.”

She moved and sat down on the couch. “Are we self-destructive?”

“Why are you fucking listening to that bitch? She doesn’t know me.” I groaned.

She nodded. “No, she doesn’t, you’re right. But she knows me.” I shuddered at her words. “She does. Sorry if you don’t want to hear that.”

“Don’t we have a right?” I asked her. “Don’t I? If I can make it stop fucking hurting, don’t I have a right to do that? Or am I supposed to just feel this way the rest of my life?”

She leaned back against the couch and propped her feet up. She rubbed her eyes with the palms of her hands. “You wanna know what my favorite memory of her is?”

“No.” I didn’t want to talk about her. Not tonight.

“I don’t care. I’m going to tell you anyway.”

“Whatever,” I mumbled.

“One night I went slaying. It was one of those nights where I just had to… I don’t know, get out. It wasn’t long after she was born. But I felt like I was doing everything. The feeding. The changing.” I started to speak but she stopped me. “Don’t. I cherish every single one of those moments now.” She closed her eyes for a moment. “But at the time, I just needed to get out. Get back to normal. And she’d been crying all day. I mean all day long. Do you remember?”

I shook my head.

“I just wanted some peace. I mean I wasn’t even gone thirty minutes. I felt so bad for leaving her. For leaving you. But when I got back, she wasn’t crying. It was weird because the room was so quiet. And you were lying there with her. On the floor – like you’d both just passed out or something. It was the sweetest thing I’d ever seen. She was sleeping on your chest.” She smiled sadly. “I left you there. All night. Neither one of you moved.”

I did remember. I had one helluva a crick in my neck the next morning.

I nodded at her. “You were ready to strangle me that night. I was playing video games with the guys.”

She nodded back. “Such a dude…” she mumbled.

I laughed a bit. “Sometimes.”

“I know you thought I blamed you.” She said, looking at me. “And maybe I did. But it wasn’t why I was so angry. So cold…”

I didn’t expect that. “Why then?”

“Because you had her for a whole week more than me,” she said so quietly I had to strain to hear her. “Who’d have thought one week would be that big of a deal?”

Of course. I’d never even realized that. “I didn’t even… I should’ve thought about…”

She held up her hand to stop me. “It’s over.” She stood up. “And we’re still alive.” She looked at the bottle. “And moderately healthy,” she sighed. “But, I won’t tolerate a drunk, Faith. And you’re a drunk. A sad, heartbroken drunk. But a drunk just the same. I want you to be better. I want to get better. I want to be happy again. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life waiting to die. And I don’t want to spend the rest of it wondering when you will. So it ends. You stop drinking. Find a way to give it up. Or leave. I need to get better. And I’m grateful that you’ve gotten me this far. I really am,” she sat down on the arm of my chair and put her arm around me. “But, now I want to be better. And I can’t get there watching you do this to yourself.”

I put my head against her chest and wrapped my arms around her waist. I loved how my head fit so perfectly against her. “I don’t think I can just stop, Buffy. I’ve tried to stop,” I whispered. “It wasn’t pretty.”

“I can deal with the non-pretty. I can deal with everything bad that comes with it. But, I won’t deal with the damn apathy anymore.”

“I’m just so afraid you’ll leave…”

“Why?” She pulled me to her. “I don’t want to leave you.”

“Because it’s bad. It will be awful. I don’t know if I want you to see me like that.”

She pulled back and looked at me. “Faith, I’ve seen you break. I’ve seen you in a coma. I’ve seen you threaten my life. I’ve seen you throw yourself off a roof,” she mused for a second, “though I’m gonna take the blame for that one. Hell, I’ve even seen you screwing some college student in. My. Bed…” She took a deep breath. “So I think I can deal with this.”

I nodded. “I’m sorry for what I did. With those girls. I should’ve…”

She pulled further back. “Those girls?” She stood up. “I freaking knew it.”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“Fuck, Buffy… I’m sorry… I…” apparently keep putting my giant ass foot in my giant ass mouth.

She looked like she might storm out and then she just sighed and sat back on the armrest. She put her head in her hands. “You’re a freaking idiot,” she mumbled into her hands. “Ugh. I knew there were other girls. I wasn’t stupid. I was just playing pretend. Ignoring them made it seem like a one time mistake.”

I shrugged. “I guess we’ve both gotta stop ignoring our problems?”

She seemed to be thinking. “Yeah. Your problem is drinking and my problem is all the girls you’ve slept with.” She scrunched up her face. “Holy crap!” She jumped up. “That’s your problem too. How is that my problem? You did that… damn.” But she was smiling. “Okay, you deal with drinking and I’ll deal with the fact that you’re a dumbass. Is that fair?”

I pulled her into my lap and kissed her. She giggled and wrapped her arms around my neck. “Guess it’s fair…” I said.

She pulled away and smacked me on the arm. “You don’t sound convinced.”

“Well I mean now I’ve got to stop drinking while you ride my ass about that.” No way I was saying “those girls” or anything else that could get me in trouble.

She hopped up, giggling. “Guess you’re screwed, Lehane.” She said, as she ran into our bedroom.

I moved to follow her and she stuck her head back through the door. “And I totally don’t mean literally,” she laughed, running back inside.

I smiled to myself. I was screwed. No doubt about that. This was gonna be hard. I’d stopped drinking before. Or at least tried. I knew the drill. But… Maybe we had a chance. Maybe we could get through this.

I knew there was another bottle in the kitchen. I’d brought several in while B was in town today. And I looked that way for a few minutes. I mean I just stood there staring. Every cell in my body told me to get that drink. Just the last one. The one that helps me go to sleep.

And then I looked the opposite direction. At the bedroom. Where I knew B was. I could hear her washing her face. Brushing her teeth.

I kept looking back and forth because I had to make a decision. My body wanted to go into the kitchen. It was fighting with me just to go. But my heart, it’s a motherfucking traitor that’s for sure.

When I got in the room, she was sitting up in bed waiting for me. “Wasn’t sure you were coming?” She smiled softly.

I raised my eyebrow at her. “Is that an invitation?”

She rolled her eyes. “To bed. I wasn’t sure you were _coming_ to bed.”

I shrugged. “I’m here, ain’t I?”

She patted the bed next to her. “Yeah. You are.”

I moved over and sat down.

“Will you hold me?” She asked me. “Just hold me? Like you used to?”

“Of course.”

“Great!” She said, clapping her hands. “Now, go brush your teeth. Cause there is no way you are getting in my bed smelling like a big bottle of whiskey.”

I got up. “It was rum,” I called behind me.

“Don’t care,” she called back.

Once I finished, I sauntered back in the room. “All better?” I asked her.

She nodded, excited like a little kid and scooted over so I could get into bed with her. I pulled her to me once I’d lied down and she snuggled into my side and wrapped her leg around me before putting her head on my chest. I felt her fingers drawing patterns on my other side. She nuzzled her head into my neck. “My god,” she whispered into my ear sleepily.

“What?” I whispered back, hugging her to me.

I could feel her burying her face in my neck. “It’s nothing. You just make me feel… safe. That was what was missing. When I was cold. Safe. No one else can do that but you.”

Since she and I been apart, I’d been broken. I waited till her breathing evened and I knew she was asleep before I answered her. “You make me feel whole. No one else could do _that_ but you.”

 

* * *

_Hey,” I heard. “You gonna get up? It’s almost two.”_

_I turned over in the bed. “No.”_

_Ken sat down on the edge and put her hand on my shoulder. “You need to get up.”_

_“Please leave me alone,” I muttered._

_She moved off the bed and opened the curtains. The sunshine was blinding. “Get up, Faith.”_

_“Ugh,” I moaned, pulling the pillow over my head. “Fuck you, Kennedy.”_

_She sat back down. “Thanks for the invitation and all, but I think that I would have to get in a very long line for that one.” She sighed. “Buffy isn’t blind, Faith.”_

_I opened my eyes and looked at her. “Buffy hates me.”_

_She shook her head. “No. She’s hurting. And you’re destructing. And sooner or later, they’re gonna figure it out. I can’t fucking help you if that happens.”_

_“No one asked you to,” I said, turning away from her._

_She sighed again and stood up. I heard her stop when she opened the door. “You’re fucking up everything in your life, dumbass.” She shut the door. “Everything,” she muttered._

_I let her leave. I didn’t tell her she was right._

_I didn’t care._

* * *

When I woke Buffy wasn’t in bed. It was scary because… well, because it was always scary. When you weren’t sure if you had someone, when you were terrified they were going to leave… you began to fear their absence.

Of course Buffy had always gotten up before me. Even before Eva. Especially after. I shook the familiar fear away and made my way to the bathroom.

While I was getting ready I could smell breakfast. It was weird. B and I had pretty much been existing on a steady diet of coffee (her) and alcohol (me) since we got here. I couldn’t believe she was cooking.

Then I heard voices. I forgot they were here.

Everyone was in the kitchen when I went in there. Everyone except one.

I raised my eyebrow at Buffy.

“Morning,” she smiled at me.

They were all sitting around the table. Eating pancakes, omelets, bacon. It was strange. Like before…

I looked around again.

“I took her to the airport this morning,” Ken said, reading my mind.

“You’re staying?” I asked her.

Red smiled. “For a few days.” She looked to B for conformation. “If that’s okay with you, Faith?”

I shrugged. If Buffy wanted them to stay… well, at least Satsu was gone. That was enough.

I sat down at the table and Xander put a plate in front of me. “You still like western omelets, don’t you?”

I nodded, warily. “Is it poisoned?”

“Faith!” B squealed.

What? It was a fucking valid question.

Xander laughed. I guess that was a good thing. I didn’t fucking know. I felt like I was in the _Twilight Zone._ “No. Not poisoned. But it is extra fluffy.”

“Okay,” I said tentatively. I took a bite. Didn’t taste poisoned.

Dawn handed me a cup of coffee. “Black,” she smiled.

I took it from her and smelled it.

“I didn’t poison you either,” Dawn laughed.

“Can’t be too careful…” I muttered taking a drink.

Red half-smiled at me. She looked around the room at the rest of the guys and they nodded at her. “Faith, uh…” She took a deep breath. This should be rich. “We wanted to apologize for the way we’ve been… uh acting, and stuff. We jumped to some pretty ridiculous conclusions last week,” she paused. “The last year, actually. We haven’t been fair.”

“It’s fine,” I muttered. It was too early for this shit.

Xander shook his head. “It’s not.”

“Well,” I sighed. “I was an asshole. I get your loyalties. I’m glad you’ve got them.”

“Yeah,” Red started. “But we should’ve been more understanding. We know you loved Eva and that…”

I held up my hand. “Look, I’m gonna be honest. If you make Buffy happy, I’m all for you staying. I don’t got a problem with any of you.” I looked to the door. “Well, except the one that left. But… I’m not at that point yet. Okay? I can’t talk about her.”

“Faith,” B started.

“No, Buffy… I’m serious as shit about this. I fucked up. Royally. I get it. I know it. But I’m not ready to pour my heart out to anybody.” I took a drink of coffee. I don’t know how the hell anyone thought I could stop drinking while they were fucking here.

Red looked around and smiled sadly at B. “We’re worried about you, Faith.”

“I’m gonna call bullshit on that one…” she started to speak, but I held up my hand. “Doesn’t fucking matter. I’m not discussing it. End of story.”

Everyone sort of stood around staring at me. Didn’t give a flying fuck.

Dawn clapped her hands, obviously freaked at the awkwardness. “So what is there to do on this island?”

Buffy watched me carefully before addressing Dawn. “There’s a pool…” B said. She looked thoughtful. “And a market. The market’s awesome. Shopping is fun. There’s a place where I got this awesome shampoo. My hair feels like silk,” she moved closer to D. “Touch it.”

Jesus she was random.

And Dawn just rubbed it like that was normal. Cooing about the texture of subtropical hair… blah blah blah. I stopped fucking listening.

“We don’t have bathing suits,” Red cried. “Crap. And I can’t magic anything here.” She shrugged. “Plus I’m gonna need sunscreen. And a hat. And Xander definitely needs sunglasses. So do I…”

Ken patted her shoulder. “We can go to town and get that stuff.” She smirked at me. “Or better yet you guys can go.” We can stay here, she said pointing to me and Xander.

I shook my head. “Be careful what you wish for there. Buffy’ll bring you back a pastel bathing suit with bows on it.”

Ken whirled around and gave B a look. “You wouldn’t…”

She laughed. “No. I wouldn’t. I bought Faith a…”

“… fucking purple bathing suit with bows on it,” I finished for her.

She rolled her eyes. “And a black one.”

I shook my head at Ken. “That was later. After I threw…”

“… a fit like a child,” B finished.

They laughed.

“We won’t get you a pastel bathing suit,” Red said. “No worries.”

Ken looked wary. Smart really. “You promise?”

Dawn nodded. “No girlie suit. We got it. Don’t be silly.” She turned to Xander. “You’ll look good in pink.”

He started shaking his head. “No way. I’m coming.” He said, grabbing the keys. “And I’m driving.”

“Good,” I told him. “Cause you’d look like shit in pink.”

“Pastels look good on anyone,” Red frowned.

I wasn’t saying shit. Ken shook her head. “Keep telling yourself that.” Dawn started to speak but Ken stopped her. Don’t even.”

“Ugh,” B smirked, grabbing her sunglasses. “Let’s go,” She told them. They followed her out. She stopped and turned around. She made her way back in the kitchen when everyone was gone but Ken and I. “You okay?”

I didn’t answer her at first. I looked around the kitchen. She’d hidden the alcohol. Or thrown it away. I wasn’t sure. Fuck no, I wasn’t gonna be okay. “I’ll be fine,” I tried to smile.

K was watching us. She grinned at Buffy. “No worries. I won’t let her get in trouble.”

B looked like she didn’t really trust her, but she smiled anyway. “Okay…” She finally muttered. The others were calling her.

“Go, seriously. Ken’s right. No worries.”

She walked over and kissed my cheek. “Love you,” she whispered in my ear.

I winked at her.

She smacked my arm before walking out. “Stop doing that,” she giggled, winking back.

Holy shit that made my knees weak.

Ken refreshed her coffee after they left. “Want some more?”

I watched them pull out of the driveway. When they were gone, I turned to her. “Where’s the liquor?” I asked her.

She poured me some coffee. “What?” She feigned innocent. She was sucky at it.

“The liquor,” I stated again. “Where is it?”

She shrugged and sat down. “In your body?”

Fucking smartass. “There was more.” I told her, getting up. I started opening the cabinets. “What did she do with it?”

She sighed. “So… I took Satsu to the airport this morning. That was fucking pleasant.”

There was nothing. Fuck. “Glad she’s gone,” I said, turning around. “Now, where is it?”

“She cried all the way there. I never fucking liked her. So damn clingy.” She muttered, taking a drink. “Always with the ‘I love you, Buffster.’ Who the fuck calls her Buffster. That shit is so…”

I stalked over to her and slammed my hand down on the table. “Where’s the fucking liquor, K?”

She jumped. “Jesus, freak… I don’t fucking know. It was gone when I got back.” She took another drink of coffee.

I stormed off and headed for the garage.

“Where are you going?” She called after me. “Fuck…”

I found the bottles in the boxes behind some cabinets. B didn’t know those were there. I opened one and took a drink. It burned like a motherfucker.

Ken walked in behind me. “Goddamn it,” she muttered, walking over to me. “Where’d you get that?”

“I can’t do this,” I mumbled. I sat down on the garage floor. “I want to. I do… but I can’t.” I was shaking. I took another drink.

“I know,” she said quietly. “I think Buffy realizes you drink too much but I don’t think she understands.”

“What do you mean?”

“What happened the last time you tried to quit?”

I sighed. “I was in Vegas. About six months ago I guess. It was one of those weeks where I couldn’t tell one day from the next. I met this chick in L.A, the last time I was there.” I shook my head. “Anyway, she was fucked up. You know?” She nodded. “And well, I was too. We partied for a few days. I don’t even know how many… but one day I woke and I… I…” I faltered.

“You what?”

“I was in the bathroom. Passed the fuck out on the floor. I found her in the bedroom… she had a bruise across her cheek. Nasty as hell.” I took a deep breath. “When I woke her up… she was terrified of me. Shaking. She ran past me and hid in the closet.” I looked at her. “Said I’d hit her. Said I’d lost my shit…” I didn’t want to tell her.

She must have been able to tell. “I get it…”

I shook my head to clear my thoughts. “I was so freaked out. I left. Got a goddamn room at some fleabag motel and I fucking tried so hard to get clean.” I made eye contact with her. “I tried. But it hurt. I was okay for a few hours, but then… then the fucking shakes set in. And I couldn’t sleep. God knows I tried. But I was fucking hallucinating. Have you ever done that?”

She shook her head.

“I kept hearing a baby cry. The longer it went on the worse it got. My head started pounding. I couldn’t see. My heart was racing and I couldn’t think. And then I started vomiting.”

She nodded.

“I guess Angel was keeping tabs on me because someone found me. When I woke up I was in a hospital. I busted out.” I fucking hated hospitals. “And I found a liquor store.” I stood up, bottle in hand. “I tried a couple of times after that. But I didn’t make it past the first shakes.” I brushed my hair out of my face. “I told her I’d stop… She’s gonna leave me…”

“Let’s go back inside,” she said sadly.

I followed her. We sat down at the table.

“You’ve got to tell her,” she said. She took another drink of coffee. “There’s no point in lying to her.”

“Right… and she’s gonna leave. And as soon as Red and D find out, they’re gonna make her.”

She shook her head. “I won’t let them.” She frowned. “If you tell them.”

I nodded. “I need this,” I told her, gesturing with the bottle.

“I know you do. Just drink what you need.” She sighed. She got up and started cleaning the kitchen. “And put it away before they get back. No need to rub it in her face.”

“Okay,” I told her. I sat at the table while she cleaned. I downed about half the bottle.

She took it away from me. “I’m gonna put this in here,” she said, sticking it in a cabinet in the living room. “Go brush your teeth,” she said. “They’ll be back soon.”

I got up and went into the bathroom. I was so fucking ashamed of myself. Of what she just saw. But I was kinda glad she was here.

When I came back out, they were back. B was carrying several bags. “Find anything?” I asked her. Shit… how could she buy that much stuff in that little time?

“We needed stuff,” she smiled.

Red pulled out a bathing suit. “No pastels,” she smiled at K and kissed her. “See? Buffy picked it out.”

It was way cooler than that purple shit I got.

Ken grinned at Buffy. “You’re awesome, you know that?”

B nodded. “I do.”

“And modest,” Dawn added.

“Extremely,” B agreed.

They went to change. They were excited to go to the beach. Buffy wrapped her arms around me after they were gone. “How are you?” She asked.

I hugged her back. “I missed you.”

She hugged me back and then pulled away. “What’s wrong?”

We needed to talk. We did. But I wanted her to have fun. She seemed… happy. I couldn’t fuck with that. Not right now.

“Nothing, babe,” I smiled at her. “Let’s go to the beach.”

* * *

When I said ‘let’s go to the beach,’ I didn’t mean ‘let’s take two hours to get ready first.’ To go to the beach. Right outside our house.

“We do not need all this shit,” I whined, when Buffy piled yet another incomprehensible thing in my hands.

“We do,” B said. “Otherwise we’ll just have to come back and get it. That’s stupid.”

Ken was holding as much as me. “Are we sleeping out there?” She asked when Xander placed a bag on top of her pile. “And why the fuck am I carrying your stuff?”

He shrugged. “You’re stronger than me.” He grabbed Dawn’s hand and they took off running.

“Ugh,” B growled watching them run out. She was giving him the famed B stare. Glad I wasn’t getting it.

“Agreed,” Red said.

I raised my eyebrow at Kennedy. “Why are we moaning?”

Ken started laughing. “Because they’re…”

B put her hands over her ears. “Make her stop, Will!”

Red shot K a look. “Stop,” she warned.

No way. “No fucking way.” They had to be shitting me. “Are you fucking kidding?” Gross.

“We don’t talk about it,” K shrugged.

“Open the door,” I motioned with my head to Buffy. I’d have done it myself but I was balancing seven hundred pounds of shit.

“Wait,” she said, “I’m not ready.” And not holding anything.

“Don’t care,” I told her.

“Where are you going?” She asked.

“To kill him…”

She grabbed my shoulder and pulled me back. “No. No way. Come back here.”

I turned around. “What?”

“I’m plotting his death, Faith. If you kill him you’re gonna spoil my plans,” she pouted. She grabbed a water. “Now come on.”

After we finally got everything set up, they jumped in the water. I sat down on one of the chairs. I grabbed a water and swallowed the whole bottle. I pulled my sunglasses down over my head.

“Come swimming with us,” Buffy called from the water.

“I don’t swim,” I called back.

“You swam the other day!”

“I don’t swim in the ocean.” I clarified.

She shook her head and dunked Xander. I wasn’t too sure it wasn’t to drown him, but no one stopped her.

They played in the water for about thirty minutes. I drank three more bottles of water. I was so damn thirsty it was almost pathetic.

I finally stood up.

“Hey,” Buff said. “Where’re you going?”

I gestured at the water bottles. “Gotta pee.”

“Just pee in the ocean,” Dawn said.

“Eww!” Everyone screamed, jumping away from her.

“What?” She asked. “I didn’t say I did.”

“Uh yeah,” I answered her. “I’m just gonna go inside.”

Ken started walking with me. “I’ll go with.”

I waved her off. “I can go to the bathroom by myself. Thanks though.”

One drink wasn’t gonna hurt, right? And they would be none the wiser. My head was fucking hurting. I just needed one drink.

I fished around in the cabinet until I found the bottle. I turned it up as fast as I could. I drank about half the contents before I put it back and took a deep breath. My heart had already stopped racing.

“Wow,” I heard behind me.

Of fucking course…

I turned around slowly.

“Guess everything you said last night was a lie, huh?” B asked.

I moaned. “No. It wasn’t.” I closed my eyes. “I just can’t stop, B. If I could’ve, I’d have already done it.”

“So you were what? Just going to hide it? For how long? Until I found you in the bed with some girl?”

Fuck. “You know better than that…”

“Do I?” She moved into the room.

“Sit down,” I told her.

She shook her head. She was standing in front of the door with her arms crossed across her chest.

“Please?” I asked quietly.

She huffed but relented. She didn’t uncross her arms though. The universal ‘Buffy is pissed’ sign. I knew it well.

“I need you to understand something,” I told her. “I’m an alcoholic.”

She nodded. “I know that, Faith…”

I shook my head. “No. You don’t. You don’t understand what that means.”

She still had her arm crossed. “It means you drink. All the time.”

I shook my head again. “No. I mean yeah, it does, but that’s not all of it.”

She looked at me questioningly. Goddamn it, I forgot how innocent she really was.

I took a deep breath. “A lot of people abuse the shit, Buffy. But not everyone is an alcoholic. Maybe it’s because I’m a slayer… Maybe that’s why it happened so quickly but… I have to drink.”

She shook her head back at me. “No one has to drink. They choose to.”

“At first,” I relented. “At first, I chose to. Now I have to. I need it.” I looked down. “If I don’t have it… I… I…” Fuck. “I just have to have it.”

“What does that mean?” She asked. She was close to whining. I could tell she didn’t believe me.

“Buffy,” I controlled my voice. “Listen to what I’m saying. I have to drink. I can’t just stop.”

“What will happen? If you stop?”

“The last time I tried…” I faltered.

“What? What happened?” She wanted to know.

“I don’t remember. After the vomiting… I don’t remember. Not until I woke up in a hospital.”

She looked away. “So what do we do?” She turned back to me. “Do you even want to stop?”

I nodded.

“Well then what do we do?”

“I don’t know, Buffy. But you can’t just throw it all away.”

“Okay,” she whispered. She nodded with her head towards the door. “Wanna go back outside? I mean… do you feel better now?”

I got up and motioned her to follow me. “Yeah… let’s go,” I smiled at her.

She at least attempted to smile back.

* * *

_I stumbled into the bedroom and fell against the door._

_I could see Buffy lying in the bed. She moved when I fell._

_“Sorry,” I mumbled, pulling my boots off._

_She didn’t answer._

_I sat down on the bed and took my shirt off._

_“Where’ve you been?” She finally asked. She didn’t turn around._

_“Out,” I muttered. I stood up and took off my pants. I lay back down and put my hand on her shoulder. She shuddered. I pulled it back._

_“Go to sleep,” she finally said._

_“Talk to me,” I whispered._

_“I can’t.”_

_I sighed and fell asleep to the sound of her crying. It was the only constant in our lives now._

* * *

We spent the rest of the day on the beach. And I was good. Being good, I mean. I didn’t feel so fucking good, but… goddamn it I was trying.

Dawn and Xander offered to make dinner. I still wasn’t a hundred percent positive they weren’t gonna poison me. Plus I’d rather drink my dinner, thank you very much.

When we got back inside, I really thought about going to the cabinet and finishing the bottle, but I was trying here.... I couldn’t say that knowing I just couldn’t go get a drink wasn’t making me mental though. Cause it was.

Red and B were in the bedroom doing something. If it had been a few hours earlier, I would’ve fucking wondered what. Right now… I didn’t give a shit.

Ken sat down across from me. “So…” She crossed her legs. “You look like shit.”

“So do you,” I muttered.

She scoffed. “Uh, fuck no… I look hot.” She leaned forward. “Seriously. Are you okay?”

“When the hell do people stop asking you that? ‘Are you okay?’ Is there like a goddamn point when people are like ‘well, it’s fucking obvious she’s not okay so let’s just stop fucking asking her if she’s fucking okay,’” I growled.

“Wow, so…” She sat back. “I’m gonna take that as a no.”

“Good idea,” I muttered.

She motioned with her head towards the cabinet. “You want me to sneak you a drink?”

I moaned. “Fuck…I don’t know. Goddamn it…” I looked towards the bedroom. “She caught me earlier,” I whispered.

She nodded at me. “Yeah, I know.”

“How the hell do you know?”

“Cause I’m good at reading people, fucker,” she said. “You looked like a kid who just got caught with their hand in the cookie jar.” She opened the cabinet and poured me a glass. “Here.”

I took it and swallowed it quickly. “Thanks,” I muttered. I handed the glass back to her. No need in me being caught holding that. “You know what is gonna make this harder than anything?”

“What?”

“The fact I know I gotta quit.” I sighed. “I didn’t use to need it. Nothing worse than feeling this fucking weak,” I mumbled.

She nodded. “I get it.” She frowned. “Is that all you have done? Drink? I mean… you know, nothing else?”

I shrugged. “I had money…” I cut my eyes at her.

She shrugged back. “Not talking about that, jackass…”

“It used to be an escape,” I said, changing the subject. “At first…”

* * *

_They were all in the library downstairs having one of those ‘meetings’ they had._

_“What’s the what?” I announced. “Lose my invite?”_

_“Faith,” Giles started. “Nice to see you.”_

_“Nice to be seen,” I muttered back._

_B was sitting on the couch with Ken and Red. Xander and Dawn were sitting in chairs across from them. And Angel was here. Motherfucking reunion…_

_“What the hell brings you here?”_

_“Good to see you too,” he said. “When’s the last time you slept?”_

_“When’s the last time you’ve breathed?”_

_“Faith,” Giles started. “Come have a seat.”_

_“I’m good,” I muttered._

_B stood up. “You’re good? Really? You look like shit.”_

_“Buffy!” Red yelled, standing up._

_She spun around on her. “She’s drunk, Will.” She looked at the clock. “At four o’clock in the afternoon. She’s so drunk she can barely stand up.”_

_I hadn’t realized I was swaying until she said that. I put my hand on the wall. “I’m not drunk.” I moved to leave._

_“Where are you going?” Buffy called after me._

_“Out!” I yelled back. I turned around. “I can’t sit around this fucking castle watching all you people mope and cry.” I noticed the looks on their faces. “Or fucking feel sorry for me. You can all go to hell.” I looked specifically at Angel. “And if they called you here because of me, you can go. I don’t need your goddamn help.”_

_He moved over to me. “I didn’t come here because of you, Faith. You can’t help someone who clearly doesn’t want help.” He shook his head. “I came because I was worried about Buffy.”_

_I rolled my eyes. “Noble of you, huh? Swooping in and saving the princess.” I closed the space between us. “Got an extra soul to spare or something? Cause the ice queen doesn’t melt for just anybody.”_

_He slapped me. “You’re an idiot.”_

_I lunged at him. He sidestepped me easily and I fell to the floor._

_Ken tried to pick me up. “Get up,” she muttered, pulling on my arm._

_I jerked away from her. “Let me go,” I growled, pulling myself up instead._

_“Faith,” Giles said. “Perhaps if you sat down and calmed down a bit…”_

_“Fuck you,” I told him._

_Ken grabbed my arm. “We’re going for a walk,” she told them._

_I jerked away from her again. “Fuck you, too.” I looked around the room, stopping on_

_B’s face. “You know what? Fuck all of you.” I mumbled, storming out._

* * *

Dinner was okay. It was food. Food, for the most part, sucked now. I ate and shit, but… you know without fucking alcohol food was just boring.

“So what do you guys want to do tomorrow?” Red asked. No one spoke. “Cause there are a few little magic shops, I’d kind of like to visit… Not that this is my vacation or anything.” She smiled at me and B. “I mean, we’re here for you and…”

Buffy shrugged. “It’s okay, Will. I think you’d enjoy it.”

She nodded. “I know. Giles always says that…” She stopped speaking and put her hand over mouth.

Everyone else stopped eating and looked up.

Ken put her hand on her shoulder. “Hey… it’s okay,” she smiled sadly.

Red nodded. “I’m…” she shook her head. “Wow…” Her voice choked.

Dawn tried to smile. “It’s okay,” she said. “We all feel the same way.”

Xander nodded. Red was trying not to cry.

I needed a fucking drink.

I heard B before I saw her drop her water. It spilled all over the table. She let out a sound that sounded like a muffled cry.

“Buffy,” I whispered.

The rest of them jumped up and started cleaning up the mess but Buffy just sat there.

“Hey,” I tried again. “Buffy?”

She was staring towards the wall, ignoring me. She jumped up suddenly. “God,” she choked out softly. She shrugged my hand off and ran out.

“Go,” Xander said. “It’s fine.”

I nodded at him and followed her out. She was standing outside, her back to the house. Her hands were on the railing and she was crying so hard she was shaking. It was weird. Because even though she was sobbing, she wasn’t making a sound.

I walked up behind her softly. “B?” I put my hand on her shoulder.

She started crying harder.

“Hey,” I said, turning her around. “Come here,” I whispered. I pulled her to me.

She shook me off. “I let him die,” she sobbed out.

I shook my head. “You didn’t.”

She shook her head back at me. “You don’t even know what happened…”

“You’re right,” I told her. “I don’t. But I know you. And I knew Giles.”

“His face, Faith. He knew… he knew…” she turned away from me again. “He tried to smile at me.”

I didn’t know what to say. “I suck at this…” I finally said.

She stopped crying and looked at me. “Huh?”

I motioned between us. “This…” I said. “This comforting shit. I never know what to fucking say.” I sighed and sat down on a lawn chair. “You know what people used to always say to me?”

“What?”

“It’s gonna be okay.” I told her. “Did people say that shit to you too?”

She nodded. “All the time.”

“What fucking bullshit, huh?” I rolled my eyes.

She frowned. “How about ‘she’s in a better place?’” She sat down across from me. “That one always sucked. How the heck do they know where people end up?”

“Yeah,” I told her. “Someone at the funeral told me ‘you’re still young’. You can have another one.’”

She sat up suddenly. “No they didn’t?!? Who?”

I shrugged. “No clue. Some watcher chick.” I smiled sadly. “I get it though. I mean, what do you say?”

“What did people say to you to make it better?”

I nodded towards the house. “Uh… you know how you had to hide all the alcohol from me?”

She nodded, confused.

“Yeah… so nothing. No one said anything really. Only thing that worked was that. What about you?”

She sighed. “At first… nothing. I mean everyone was sorta wrapped in their own grief.” She looked away. “After you left,” I looked away when she faltered. “After you left,” she started again. “I don’t know… after they got over some it… sometimes we’d just sit. I don’t know really.” She sighed. “Satsu was…”

Right. “So she saved the day…”

She took a deep. “In a way. She showed up one night out of nowhere. Helped us defeat a demon. Said she was passing through.”

“And?” Why was I asking? I didn’t fucking want to know this.

“And…” she looked at me. “Doesn’t matter. She just never left.”

I shrugged. “Gone now.”

She frowned. “She wasn’t a bad person. She felt threatened.”

“Good fucking reason to feel that way what with me threatening her and all.”

She shook her head. “Before Giles…” She looked down. “She kept asking me about a how you and I…” She couldn’t look at me. “How Eva was conceived.” She closed her eyes. “I think she wanted…” She didn’t finish. She didn’t fucking have to.

I gulped. “Wow,” I muttered. “I don’t know what to fucking say…”

“Yeah, me neither.”

“Would you have done it?”

She didn’t answer.

“Wow,” I whispered again.

“I wouldn’t even know how,” she finally said.

Yeah. But I would’ve have. "

* * *

_Tell me how, Red?” I asked._

_She looked at her hands. “You told me to do whatever!” She put them over her face, hiding. “When I called, you said ‘Do whatever, Red!’”_

_I groaned. “I didn’t fucking mean that! Come on. How the fuck was I supposed to know that was gonna happen?!?” My world was spinning. I sat down._

_“It was just a spell.” She moaned._

_“She’s fucking pregnant, Red!”_

_“I know that, Faith!” She screamed back. “What was I supposed to do? She was in trouble. I had to cast the spell. They could’ve died…” She started pacing. “You needed the strength. I called upon a lot of goddesses that night. I didn’t realize Brigid was a fertility goddess.”_

_“So how the hell do we know it’s mine?” I put my head in my hands. “What if it’s that demon’s or something?” I groaned. “What if it has horns? Or God… that thing had spikes coming out of his…” I moaned again._

_She shook her head. “Has Buffy slept with anyone else?”_

_I jerked my head up. “What the hell? Of fucking course not, Red!”_

_“Right. Of course not.” She rolled her eyes. “I invoked the goddess for you, Faith. Not her. I gave you the breath of life… and I guess like the ability to create it too.”_

_“Are you sure?” I groaned again. “Are you sure she’s pregnant?”_

_She nodded. “I ran the test today after she left the infirmary. She thinks she has the flu.”_

_“We are so fucked.”_

_“No kidding,” she agreed._

_“We’ve got to tell her,” I muttered._

_“We can’t!” She cried._

_I spun around. “Uh why?”_

_She shook her head. “Because she doesn’t know there was a spell, Faith. If she finds out…”_

_“Well… in case you haven’t noticed, I’m missing the right equipment here, Willow.”_

_She sighed. “I invoked a lot of power that night, Faith. We’d been fighting that demon horde for weeks,” I’d been in LA with Angel at the time. “When I called you back here…” She moaned for the third time in as many minutes. “How the heck was I supposed to know you two were going to have sex?”_

_Jesus Christ – because we were fucking breathing. I threw my hands up in the air. “Could’ve factored it in…”_

_“Look the spell’s side effect, well besides the obvious made you… uh… irresistible… I guess.”_

_I rolled my eyes. “So basically the same as any other night.”_

_She nodded but then shook her head. “Ugh, yes… I guess.” She took a deep breath. “We are so, so screwed.”_

_“Right.. She’s definitely gonna kick your witchy ass..” I shook my head. “ Too bad I’ll be in Borneo and won’t be able to help ya.”_

_She cleared her throat. “No way, buster.”_

_I cocked my eyebrow at her._

_“I go down and you’re going with me.”_

_“Fucking A.”_

_She nodded. “Basically.”_

_I shook my head and sat back down. “Holy shit, we’re fucked.”_

_“Yep.” She nodded back._

* * *

Buffy looked away. “Remember that night?”

“Of course,” I told her. How could I forget it?

“I still don’t understand how it happened…”

I nodded. “You were so mad at me when you found out you were pregnant,” I smiled. “Like I’d grown a penis or something.”

She shrugged. “I kept trying to think back. Like I’d slept with someone else and forgotten it. I know Will cast a spell and stuff but I still don’t get it.”

We’d told her about the spell but… we’d not told her the other part. I don’t really know why. Maybe because she was freaked. I don’t know, but we kept the part about it Brigid and Red and I working together a secret. I never really understood why.

I worried for months after that when B and I were together that it was still the spell. That shit kept me up at night. Red assured me. Told me it wasn’t. Said Buffy loved me.

It took me a while to believe her.

“Back to Satsu…” I said, changing the subject.

“Really?” She asked, raising her eyebrow at me. “Do you really want to know this?”

I didn’t know. I couldn’t argue it wasn’t needling at me. “I told you I was a masochist. Was it the same? Like with me?” I was going for a new level of pain tonight.

She looked shocked. “Seriously?”

“Yeah. Did it feel the same?”

She put her hands over her face. “Oh god.” She pulled them away. “No. It felt… different.”

“How?”

“Why all of a sudden do you want to know?” She stood up. “I don’t want to know about your girls. Not at all. Don’t tell me.”

“I wasn’t,” I mumbled. This wasn’t about my drunken escapades anyway.

She sighed and took my hand. “Can we go to bed?”

“Why are you changing the subject?”

She walked to the door, ignoring me. The lights were off inside. The others probably went to sleep already.

“Buffy?” I stood up. “Why are you ignoring me?”

She stopped after she opened the door. “She felt safe. And normal, Faith.” She didn’t turn around.

“Right,” I muttered. I went to move past her. There was a fucking bottle calling my name.

She grabbed my arm. “And not you.” She ran her hand through my hair. “Nothing about her was like you.”

I stepped closer to her. I pushed her against the glass frame she’d just opened. “And what’s me?” I whispered huskily.

She closed her eyes. “This,” she moaned softy.

I picked her up and kissed her. Pressing her hard against the glass door.

“What’s this?” I muttered against her neck.

“Everything,” she whispered back.

* * *

By the time we’d made it to the bedroom, I had her shirt off. I threw her on the bed on her stomach. I reached underneath her and unhooked her shorts and slid them off.

She went to turn around. “Don’t,” I mumbled, standing behind her.

Her face was turned to the side, but she wasn’t looking at me. “What are you doing?”

I took off my shirt, but I didn’t move. I couldn’t stop staring at her. Her legs were hanging off the side of the bed and I… I wanted to fuck her. I wanted her to forget that bitch’s name.

She started to turn around again.

“Stay,” I told her.

She moaned.

I parted her legs with my foot. I stepped in between them.

“You still have your pants on,” she said quietly.

“Yeah,” I told her.

I traced my fingertip down her spine and hooked it in her panties. I slid them off.

She moaned again.

I grabbed her shoulders and pushed her further up the bed. Nothing but her feet was hanging off. She’d stopped trying to turn around though. I spread her legs further apart with mine. “Don’t move,” I whispered. I took off my pants.

And she kept moaning.

* * *

I woke up around midnight.

Buffy was lying on her back, the blankets thrown over her stomach. At some point she’d gotten up and put on a t-shirt. I lay there for a moment watching her sleep before I finally got up and threw some clothes on.

I moved out of the room as quietly as I could. I watched her as I shut the door to make sure she didn’t move.

She didn’t.

I tiptoed into the kitchen and grabbed the keys to the car she’d rented off the counter. I wasn’t sure wasn’t sure where I was going, but I had to get out of there. The house was silent when I slipped out the front door.

Sex with Buffy was… well, different. Most of the encounters I’d had over the last year had been drunken stumbles and shit. I couldn’t even remember the girl’s name half the time and I was always looking for an exit plan as soon as I woke up or sobered up… whichever came first.

With B though… it came with heavy emotions. I’d long ago memorized every sound she made, every curve of her body. Like drinking, she was a fucking addiction I couldn’t kick. But that was twice now. Twice we’d been together since I came back. I didn’t want to leave her and I sure the hell didn’t want to lose her, but… I felt fucking guilty as hell. And for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why.

There was a hotel about four miles from the house. Some sort of resort, but it had a bar and it looked busy. I pulled in without even thinking.

There were a lot of people inside for this late at night. And I got a lot of looks. I ignored them because I was used to it. I got that people noticed me. Didn’t mean they needed to know me.

The bartender was a young guy. Looked fresh out of college. He smiled when I sat down.

“Poison?” He asked.

“Bourbon,” I mumbled.

“Any preference?”

I shook my head. “Whatever’s closest.”

He nodded and poured me a drink. “You staying at the hotel?”

I shook my head. “Gotta a house down the beach.” I downed the glass and handed it to him. He poured me another one. “Might want to leave the bottle,” I told him.

“Not a lot of hard drinkers around here.” He said. “I’ve been making pineapple daiquiris all night.”

That sounded fucking disgusting. I shrugged. “What can I say? I’m an expert.”

He smiled again and moved down the bar to take someone else’s order.

From what I noticed (and trust me, I’m a fucking expert here), there were two types of people that came into bars. The first type –socializers. They came to hang out, meet up, or hook up depending on the night. The second type –drinkers. They came for the alcohol and because they got tired of drinking at home. You can always tell the difference because socializers turn around on their bar stool (if they’re even sitting at the bar). They make eye contact with others, smile, sip. Drinkers don’t turn around. They face the bar. And they don’t watch the scene.

I’ll let you guess what category I was in.

So I was always sideswiped by whomever it was that wanted to talk to me. And there was always someone. Usually I’d blow them off or take them home, depending on how fucking drunk and horny I was.

It was easy not to make eye contact with people across the room. Harder when they sat down next to you.

“Hi.”

I turned to my right and raised my glass before turning back around. “Hey,” I muttered.

“I’m Tabitha.”

“Faith.” I wasn’t looking at her.

“Where are you from, Faith?” She asked. I could tell by her voice she was feeling pretty good.

I turned back to her. “At the moment, nowhere.” I took another drink. “You?”

She smiled. “Ohio originally. But I go to the University of Texas. Senior.”

I nodded. “Spring break?”

She giggled. “Too early for that. We just took a week off.” She motioned to a group of girls and guys on the other side of the bar. “Girls trip.”

I cocked my eyebrow at her. “Looks like some of your girls are confused.”

She laughed. “We just met those guys tonight.”

“Right.” Been there, done that.

“Who’re you here with?” She asked, signaling the bartender for another frozen concoction that made him roll his eyes.

“Long story, sweetheart,” I mumbled.

“Are you staying here?”

I shook my head. “No. Got a house. Just had to get out for a few.” I poured my fourth drink.

“So there is someone waiting for you then?” She took a drink.

“Who wants to know?” I asked her.

“Me,” she smiled.

I sized her up. She was shorter than me. Blond. But weren’t all college students? She was pretty in that college sorority girl way. I nodded at her. “So you’re experimenting, huh?”

She looked confused.

“Look, I’m gonna be honest with you. You’re not the first college girl to hit on me. Won’t be the last. But trust me when I tell you, sweetheart, I’m a lot fucking scarier than I look.” I poured another.

She laughed. “I’ve been with girls before.”

I laughed back though nothing about this was funny. “I’m not a girl. Not the kind you’re used to anyway.”

She leaned in closer. “So what makes you so dangerous?” She whispered.

Goddamn it. I closed my eyes. “The fact that I could fuck you unconscious for one. You’d forget your fucking name when your knees buckled. You’d wake up the next morning hoarse. And unable to walk. And you’d find bruises for the next two weeks in places you wouldn’t even remember me touching. ” I took a drink. “I would make you cry. In fact, I could make you come without even touching you.”

She shivered. “That doesn’t sound dangerous,” she whispered. “It sounds hot.”

I shrugged and turned away from her. “Then you aren’t listening.”

“So what’s stopping you?”

I took another drink. And then another. What the fuck was stopping me? I sighed. “Because you couldn’t do any of those things for me, sweet cheeks.”

She smirked. “You’re underestimating someone you don’t even know.”

I shook my head. “I know your type. That’s enough.”

She took a drink. “That’s not fair.” She motioned to her friends. One of the girls waved. “Ever had a package deal?”

I sighed. What the fuck was I doing? “Look, I’m sorry. You’re pretty. Lots of girls. Guys, whatever… would jump at the chance. But… I’m trying to make something work with someone. I’m thinking me jumping in bed with two barely legal college students would fuck that up.”

“To put it mildly,” I heard behind me.

God damn it.

“Who are you?” Blondie asked.

I spun around. Ken and Xander were standing there.

“Her friends,” Xander spouted.

She smiled at them. “The more the merrier,” she giggled.

I motioned with my head. “Might wanna scoot, sweetie.”

She frowned. “You get back around here, I’m in room 302,” she said, walking off.

I ignored her.

“How the hell did you two find me?”

They sat down on either side of me.

“Fucking jet lag,” Ken muttered. “Neither one of us could sleep. We were playing cards in the living room when you snuck out like a confused cat burglar.”

Xander nodded. “Had to call a cab. And then drive around this island till we spotted the car.” He ordered himself and K a beer. “Buffy’s gonna kill you.”

“Just having a drink,” I mumbled.

Ken picked up the bourbon bottle. “Or twelve.” She sat it back down. “You know, we have those at the house?”

I nodded. “Had to get out.”

They shared a glance.

“What?” I growled.

“Nothing,” Xander said. “Just sounded like you and Buff were… you know… doing okay earlier.”

I put my head on the bar and moaned. “Great…”

Ken shrugged. “Thin walls. Fucking disturbing is what it is. Kind of like hearing my grandparents having sex.”

Xander nodded. “Yeah at least Dawn and I…”

I rose up quickly. “You fucking finish that sentence and you’re going home without sight,” I cut him off. “Or a dick,” I added.

He pretended to lock his mouth and throw away the key. “Mum’s the word.”

“So what’s with the chick?” Ken asked.

I shrugged. “I get hit on in bars, Kennedy. I’m hot.” I took another drink. “Two weeks ago…” I trailed off.

Xander swallowed the rest of his beer. “Please don’t finish that sentence. My heart can’t take it.”

Ken motioned the bartender over. “Give me her tab. And the beers.”

He nodded and went to ring it up.

“I’m not finished,” I moaned.

She slid the bottle away. “You don’t need anymore of that shit. You’ve had enough.” She handed the guy her card. “It’s late. We need to get back before they fucking realize we’re gone. Or we’re all screwed.” She signed the receipt and grabbed the keys from my pocket. “And I’m not sleeping on the couch for another month because your dumbass fucked up and I didn’t say anything.” She pulled me off the stool. “So come on, cause we’re leaving before you get a chance to fuck up again.”

* * *

_I still didn’t know what the meeting was about with Angel. After I left that night, I got a text saying they were going to LA for a few days. Even Kennedy went._

_What the fuck ever._

_When I got back to the castle only Giles and Xander were there. And then they got called off to London for some emergency or some shit._

_So I had the castle, at least the private quarters, to myself. Truth was… I’d spent the last few nights away from it anyway. I fucking hated everything about it._

_I was surprised when she wanted to see where I lived. I don’t fucking know why I took her back._

_“Come on,” she whispered against my hair. “There are four of us in my hotel room. And who knows when they’ll show up.”_

_My hand was resting on her thigh. “Put a fucking sign out.”_

_She giggled when I ran it down her leg. In between them. “It’s too far. You said you just lived a few miles from here. And that no one was home. I wanna see it.” She started to pout._

_“Don’t pout,” I said firmly._

_She shrugged. “Please?” She pushed her lips against my ear and breathed out. “Please,” she whispered again._

_I took a deep breath. Somewhere in the deep recesses of my brain, there was a voice that was telling me this was a bad fucking idea. I didn’t give a fuck if the people she was with came back. But… taking her back to the castle was… “Look, I’ll pay for a room.”_

_She shook her head. “No. I don’t wanna do it in a skeevy hotel room.” She stood up suddenly. And then sat down on my lap, straddling me. “I want to go to your place.”_

_I groaned. She was wearing a skirt. I ran my hand up her thigh. And no fucking panties. I grabbed the bottle on our table and threw it back. “Fuck it,” I mumbled. I picked her up so that she was standing, and followed suit. “Let’s go,” I said, grabbing the bottle and throwing a wad of cash on the table. I grabbed her hand and pulled her out the back door._

* * *

When we got back to the house the lights were on.

“Fuck,” I groaned, as Ken pulled in the driveway. “Please tell me you guys left that shit on?”

They both shook their head. Their faces mirrored how I felt.

Xander turned around to look at me. “So what do we say? We couldn’t sleep and we took a drive?”

Ken nodded. “Yeah. I think if we keep it simple…”

I shook my head. “Don’t lie for me.”

Xander turned back around and opened his door. “We aren’t lying for you. We’re lying for ourselves. I don’t wanna sleep on the couch either.”

“Yeah,” Ken said.

I opened the door. “Look. I’ll just tell B the truth and you guys can tell them you came and got me. That shouldn’t get you in…”

I didn’t finish my sentence. B, Red, and Dawn were sitting in the living room in their pajamas. But they weren’t alone.

“What the fuck is she doing here?” I yelled.

Red jumped up. “Ken! Where have you been?”

Dawn followed suit. “Yeah. I woke up and you were gone.”

B was staring at me. Not saying anything.

And so was fucking Satsu.

I turned to Red. “They came and got me.” I turned back to Satsu. “And again, what the fuck are you doing here?”

“Have fun?” She smirked.

“Excuse me,” I said, stalking over to her.

She stood up. “Did you have fun tonight, Faith?” She started walking towards me. “Cause it sure looked like you were having fun…”

I went to hit her but I’d had a little too much to drink and stumbled. Buffy jumped up and caught me, throwing me on the couch. “Is this true, Faith?”

“Is what true?” I muttered. I tried to get up. She pushed me back down.

“What she told me.” She said, standing over me. Satsu was standing beside her, leering at me.

“How the fuck am I supposed to know what she told you? She was supposed to be on a plane off this goddamn island this morning.”

“I didn’t go,” she said.

“No shit, Sherlock.” Ken muttered. “Didn’t know I needed to follow you onto the plane…”

“That’s not the point,” Buffy started. “Is what she told me true?”

“What did she tell you?” I asked again. “What the fuck is she talking about?”

Satsu sneered. “Guess who has a room at the beach club down the street?” She asked. “Nice little place. Lots of little college girls running around half naked. Not my cup of tea, but…”

So that thing about alcoholics not surveying a bar? That shit was biting me in the ass as we speak. I didn’t even get a fucking slayer vibe when I walked in. Fucking stealthy bitch.

I stood up again. B tried to push me back down but I deflected her. “I don’t fucking know what you think you saw, but you’re out of line.”

She shook her head. “Not just what I saw.” She pointed to her ears. “I love slayer hearing. Comes in handy, Faith. ‘You’d forget your name when your knees buckled. You’d wake up hoarse.’ Sound about right?”

I felt like the breath had been knocked the hell right out of me. Buffy’s face was a mixture of horror and pure disgust.

I put my hand on her arm. “Buffy, I didn’t…” I tried to control the fact I was about to hyperventilate. “That’s not what I meant. She’s taking that totally out of context. It wasn’t…”

Her lip was quivering. Fucking quivering. Goddamn it. I spun on Satsu. “Who the fuck do you think you are?” I raised my fist and went to swing. She caught it and punched me in the face. I fell backwards.

She was on top of me in no time. The combination of drinking a bottle of bourbon and B’s face left me distracted and off my game. She got three good punches in before I flipped us over.

Everyone was screaming, trying to pull us apart. Even Buffy. I slammed Satsu’s head into the floor and she kneed me in the stomach. As soon as the breath left me, someone grabbed me.

Buffy seized me and threw me across the room. Ken did the same to Satsu. I jumped up. I wasn’t fucking finished. Drunk or not, I was gonna kill this bitch.

Buffy grabbed me around the waist. “No way!” She screamed. Someone opened the back door and she threw me outside and followed. She slammed the door behind her.

I hit the ground and tried to stand.

She shook her head. “Stay down. You get back up and I’m beating your ass.”

My nose was bleeding. I wiped it with the hem of my shirt. I stayed where I was though.

“Feel better?” She asked me.

“Is she dead?”

“No,” she sighed.

“Then no. I don’t fucking feel better.”

She nodded. “So that’s it then? Back to our old ways, huh? Does it make you feel better if you hurt her? Beat her unconscious? Is that better than fucking someone unconscious?” She asked.

Goddamn bitch. As soon as B turned her back…

She read my mind. “Don’t blame this on her, Faith. You’re the one that said it.” She crossed her arms. “You’re the one that left this house after we made love. You’re the one that drove to a bar and had drinks with a college student.” She stalked over to me. “That was all you.” She looked back inside for a moment. “Not her. You. So?”

I didn’t say anything.

“Right,” she mumbled turning around. “I don’t care where you sleep, but it better be far away from me.” She opened the door and went inside.

* * *

_“Oh god!” She screamed._

_We hadn’t even bothered to get our clothes off. She couldn’t keep her hands off of me. I pushed her down on the bed._

_I ripped her skirt off._

_She didn’t seem to mind._

_When I pushed my fingers inside of her she started screaming._

_I didn’t hear the door open._

_I didn’t know anything until she grabbed my hand and stilled it. I looked her in the eyes. “What?” I asked, aggravated she’d stopped me._

_She wasn’t looking at me though. She was looking past me. That’s when I felt it. I slowly turned around._

_Buffy was standing in the doorway, her hand over her mouth. I couldn’t describe her face if I’d wanted to. Red and Ken were standing behind her._

_I didn’t move my hand. I couldn’t fucking move._

_The girl underneath me scrambled to cover herself but no one else did or said anything. Not until Dawn came running in, bumping into Red. “What’s going…” She stopped suddenly. “Oh my god!”_

_I moved my hand and threw myself on the bed. “Fuck,” I muttered._

_“Oh god,” the girl started crying. “I’m sorry…” she stood up, covering herself with her ripped skirt. She tried to move. To walk out, I guess. “I’m sorry,” she said to B._

_Buffy stepped out of her way like she wasn’t even there. She couldn’t stop looking at me._

_The girl looked at Red. “I’m sorry,” she muttered again. “I didn’t know…” She was crying harder. And telling the truth. I hadn’t mentioned anyone else._

_Red nodded at her and led her out. “We’ll take you home,” she said._

_Dawn and Ken were still standing there behind B. Buffy’s hand was still over her mouth. I wasn’t sure if she was gonna cry or vomit._

_“Fuck,” I moaned again and covered my face._

_Buffy dropped her hand. She went to speak, but it was like she couldn’t. She tried but she kept closing her mouth. Then she just walked over to the dresser and grabbed some shorts and a t-shirt and walked back out. Dawn followed her._

_I closed my eyes. I could still feel Ken in the room. “Got anything to say?”_

_She didn’t answer me._

_I opened my eyes to see if she was gone, but she was still standing there. A look that lacked surprise on her face. She just shook her head sadly._

_“What?” I yelled at her. “Want to tell me I’m a fuck up? A whore? What?!?”_

_She didn’t answer me though. She just kept shaking her head. And then she walked out and shut the door._

_I lay there for a few minutes. It was Red that came back in._

_“You’re gonna want to get your stuff together,” she said, not looking at me._

_I nodded and stood up._

_“I’m sending you to Angel,” she sighed. “You don’t have a choice in the matter. So get the stuff you want to take.”_

_“I don’t need anything,” I muttered._

_“Right,” she whispered. She closed her eyes and started speaking Latin. And then she waved her hand…_

_“Red,” I actually tried. I was finally crying._

_She stopped._

_“I’m so, so…” I was gasping for air._

_"Faith, you can’t apologize this away. I’m sorry. Because I know you’re hurting but…” she sighed. It hurt that she wouldn’t look at me. “This made us have to choose. And no one wanted to have to do that. But… we had to give that girl a pair of pants to wear home, Faith. Xander had to call her a cab.” She finally turned around. “And then… Buffy tried to leave. Kennedy had to drag her back inside. I keep thinking how can we help them? Can we save them? But you don’t want help. You want to ruin everything. I wish that wasn’t the case because up until tonight… some things aren’t your fault, Faith. But this…” she waved her hand around the bedroom. “This is. So now we have to choose. And we’re gonna choose Buffy.” She frowned._

_“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” I whispered._

_I watched her face. She seemed to be thinking but she was interrupted by Dawn barging in the room._

_“Get out of this house,” she growled at me._

_“I was just leaving,” I spat back._

_She shook her head. “No. Pack your stuff. I mean it. Get everything that is yours in this room and get out. No one wants you here. Everyone is sick of it. I want you gone.” She stopped and turned around. “I tried to empathize with you, Faith. I honestly thought…”she crossed her arms. “I honestly thought you’d changed… I guess a leopard never changes its spots.” She walked over to the closet and grabbed a bag and threw it on the bed. “Ten minutes,” she told Red._

_Willow was frowning. I heard some commotion from somewhere in the house and I figured the rest of them were back. I grabbed as much of my stuff as I could pack and stormed by them._

_“B,” I called when I got in the hallway._

_She didn’t answer._

_When I got to the stairs, I saw everyone standing at the bottom. Ken was clenching her fists. Giles was frowning._

_“I can’t believe you did this,” Xander said. “Why didn’t you try to talk to…”_

_“Don’t,” I told him. “I want to see Buffy.”_

_“Buffy doesn’t fucking want to see you,” Dawn said._

_I ignored her._

_“Where is she?” I tried again._

_Ken sighed, and almost answered me._

_I entered a staring contest with them, but no one would speak to me. I got it. I really did. They chose._

_I didn’t mean to make it a choice._

_But I had._

_“Right,” I nodded and closed my eyes. “Send me, Red.”_

_She nodded and I didn’t open my eyes._

* * *

I woke up the next morning to someone kicking the lawn chair I’d fallen asleep on.

“Hmm,” I mumbled, turning over.

Dawn was standing over me, a cup of coffee in her hand.

I groaned and sat up. “What time is it?”

“Nine,” she said, sitting on the edge of the chair.

“Where is everyone?” I muttered, taking the coffee.

“Will and Ken are still asleep. Xander’s in the shower,” she said.

“And B?”

She smiled sadly. “She took Satsu back to the hotel last night…”

I nodded. “She didn’t come back.” It wasn’t a question.

So she didn’t answer. “Did you know there was Internet access here?” She asked.

I shook my head.

“I’ve been looking at some places.” She pulled out her phone and handed it to me. “That one’s here. In the Caribbean.”

“Rehab,” I muttered, handing it back.

She nodded. “You want to get better?”

I sighed. “What’s the fucking point?”

“My sister…”

“Who went back to the hotel with her girlfriend,” I said.

She shrugged. “She’ll be back.”

“With Satsu in tow no doubt,” I sighed. “She told me she was normal.”

Dawn nodded. “She is.”

“And I’m not…”

She shook her head. “No.” She stretched her arms out. “Good thing Buffy doesn’t like normal, huh?”

“No one is gonna choose crazy when they don’t have to, D.”

“You must have forgotten my sister then,” she laughed.

“I don’t think so.”

She handed her phone back to me. “Is this an option? Because if it is, I’m calling them. And you’re going. As soon as they can get you in.”

I looked at the place again. “Do you think it would help?”

“You to stop drinking?”

I nodded.

“Yeah. I do. If you wanna stop.” She shook her head. “Not sure it’ll help the other…”she trailed off.

“What other?”

“Don’t know if it’ll help the grief. Don’t know what will. Guess it won’t matter if you’re dead.” She said, matter-of-factly. “Course then my sister will die too. That’d suck.”

“I don’t know how to get over the grief, D. I’ve been trying.”

She shook her head. “You’ve been avoiding. Big difference. Of course, you don’t even remember what happened.” She patted my leg. “You blocked it out. Did you know that? The doctor told Buffy there was no reason for you not to remember.”

I closed my eyes and lay back. “I can’t remember. One night…” I stopped talking. “It doesn’t matter.”

“No. One night what?”

I shrugged. “One night, I think I dreamed about it. I woke up screaming.”

She nodded. “You were awake when they found you.”

I sat up suddenly. “What?!?”

“You were awake,” she said quietly.

I swallowed. “How do you know?”

She took a deep breath. “Ken and Xander. I sent them out looking for you. When Buffy called and said you hadn’t shown up.”

What was she talking about? “Ken wasn’t even there that night.”

She shook her head. “They got back. Around 7:30. Buffy called around 8. She was frantic. She couldn’t get you on the phone.” She closed her eyes for a moment. “Will and I sent them out looking for you. We were about to do a tracking spell when someone knocked on the door.”

“Who?” I whispered.

“The police. They told us there was an accident. Not what had happened. Then Will’s phone rang while they were still there.” She thought for a moment. “She dropped it. I remember the sound it made when it hit the floor. Some of the girls came out to talk to the police and we transported to the airport.”

I never knew who’d gone and gotten B. “I didn’t know that.”

She nodded. “We didn’t talk about it.”

“When we saw Buffy…” she swallowed. “She knew, you know? She just knew. She started screaming. In the middle of the airport. It wasn’t really crying. It was wailing,” she choked up, but didn’t cry.

I looked away.

“When we got to the hospital, you were in surgery. They were fixing your leg. No one thought to tell them it would heal on its own,” she muttered. “It took me six months to ask Xander what he saw that night.”

“I don’t think I’m ready.”

She sighed. “I don’t really care. I’m going to tell you. You can beat me up if you want, but that’ll just piss my sister off more.”

Couldn’t argue with that.

“He said when they rounded the curve they saw the flashing lights. They were cutting you out of the car.” She stopped speaking for a second. “They wouldn’t let them past at first… but somehow they got through. You kept telling them to get Eva. She was crying, you said. Xander said she wasn’t in the car though.”

I could feel the tears on my cheek but I refused to acknowledge them. “Where was she?” I whispered.

“I don’t know.” She was better at composing herself than me. She took a very deep breath. “The backseat was gone,” she finally said.

I gasped. “God,” I was crying. “I hadn’t seen…” I couldn’t catch my breath. “I didn’t know what happened to the car…”

She nodded. “I know. Neither does Buffy. Or Willow. Kennedy’s never talked about it. Not one word. She wouldn’t speak at the hospital. Xander was crying when we got there but she couldn’t speak. I think she saw something he didn’t…” she trailed off. “Anyway, when they cut you out… He said they kept saying I can’t believe she’s alive… Of course, you’re a slayer… When they cut you out though, you just kept telling them to get the baby. That she was crying.”

I cried into the palm of my hands. “I don’t remember.”

She patted my knee and then put her around me. “I know you can’t.” She put my head on her shoulder. “No one should have to go through that, Faith. It’s not fair. It’s not what’s supposed to happen.”

“When her second birthday came… I tried to kill myself.”

She pulled back but didn’t look surprised.

“I stabbed myself, here…” I pointed to where Buffy had stabbed me years ago. “I woke up in a pool of blood, pretty much healed.”

“Two months after you left, I found Buffy standing on the roof. She said ‘I’m just getting air,’ but… I don’t think she was.”

I wiped my face. “I can’t lose her.”

“I know,” she said. “So please? Will you go?”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “I’ll go.”

She nodded back. “Okay.” She smiled a bit. “I kind of already called them. We can go today if you want…”

She was sneaky; I’d give her that.

“Okay,” I whispered.

“Should we go find Buffy now?”

I shook my head. “No. I don’t want to hurt her anymore. I might not be able to do this. And she doesn’t deserve having to go through that shit again. If I get out and I’m better, I’ll come find her. If not… I’m gone from her life. She doesn’t need the pain I cause.”

She frowned. “She’s gonna be furious.”

“She’ll survive.”

She smiled. “At me, goofball.”

I smiled back slightly. “You might survive.”

She helped me up. “Go take a shower. I’m gonna talk to the others. If Buffy comes back, I’m telling her. If she doesn’t…”

“If she doesn’t, after I’m gone, tell her I love her. More than anything in the universe. With my last breath.”

She patted me on the back. “Love. Universe. Last breath. Got it,” she said, following me inside.

 

* * *

We got a plane within a few hours.

Ken and Dawn went with me. Will and Xander stayed behind.

Buffy hadn’t shown up.

My head was killing me when we got off the plane. By the time we got a cab and got to the place I was shaking. I could barely walk. I hadn’t had a drink since last night. Ken helped me out of the car like I was sick. Dawn carried the one bag I had.

“You’ve got this,” Ken whispered in my ear.

I didn’t answer her.

I had to go through some intake program. They asked me a bunch of questions. Medical history. Psychological. It took a while. Ken and D stayed with me the whole time. I was at that point where I didn’t even care what I looked liked. I couldn’t stop shaking.

“How long does it take for the tremors?” The nurse asked me.

“Depends. Twelve hours maybe,” I could barely speak.

She nodded. “The first couple of days are the hardest. It’s just the alcohol leaving your system. We monitor you around the clock and try to make you as comfortable as we can, but… it’s a difficult process.” She took a few notes. “Have you tried to quit before?”

I nodded. “I don’t remember much after I got sick.”

“You won’t let it get to that, will you?” Dawn asked.

The nurse shook her head. “No.”

I hoped she was telling the truth.

She took a few more notes. “The initial phone call mentioned that you suffered a tragedy about a year ago. Can you tell me about that? Is that what started the drinking heavily?”

I nodded. I took a very deep breath. I tried to stop my hands from shaking. “My daughter died,” I finally said. I wasn’t sure how many times I’d said that out loud. Not many. If ever.

She nodded. “How?”

“A car accident. I was driving. Someone hit us.” I rushed it out in a whisper.

She nodded again. “The program here is designed on a personal basis. You’ll receive medical care as well as therapy tailored specifically to you. This has shown to have the most success in preventing relapses.” She closed the folder. “Still, it requires a commitment. You have to want to quit. No one will tell that it will work otherwise.”

I finally nodded. “I do.”

“Okay,” she stood up. “If you’re ready, you can come with me. You can take a moment to tell your friends bye.” She turned to them. “You can see her in fourteen days if she wishes. Once we’ve gone through the detox portion of the program, she’ll spend two more weeks in therapy. If she passes the evaluation, she’ll be released.”

They nodded. Dawn hugged me. “You’ll be fine.”

Ken smiled. “Want me to hug you?”

I started to shake my head before I changed my mind and just nodded. “Kind of…”

She put her arms around me. “I’m proud of you. I’ll be standing outside as soon as you call me,” she said in my ear. She pulled back and winked at me. “I’ll keep an eye on your girl for you,” she said, trying to smile.

I nodded, afraid I was going to cry. I looked at Dawn about to speak.

“Universe, last breath. Still remember,” she smiled sadly.

“Thanks,” I whispered and turned to follow the nurse.

“Hey!” Ken called.

I turned around.

“You know we love you right?”

I nodded. I turned back around quickly and followed her out. I didn’t want them to see me cry.

* * *

The first few days were a nightmare. And I didn’t think I’d survive.

But I did.

The next few days were worse. And I stopped wanting to survive.

But I still did.

And then it got better. Slowly. But better. I stopped shaking. I stopped hallucinating. I didn’t feel nauseous all the time. It’s amazing how alcohol numbed the pain. Because on the tenth day there, I remembered.

* * *

_I rounded the curve and saw the lights. They were so bright. I briefly thought ‘Am I on the wrong side of the road?’ It didn’t hit me at first._

_I turned the wheel._

_I don’t know why I did it. I just… I don’t. I panicked. I overcorrected. Every fucking thing I knew about driving was gone._

_I shouldn’t have turned the wheel._

_If he’d have hit us head on… if I’d have just stopped and let him. She may have survived. I might not have. I probably wouldn’t have. But she might have._

_The sound of metal on metal is deafening. But it wasn’t as bad as the air I felt when he hit us. When the car started to flip. It just kept fucking flipping. Over and over. I didn’t think it would ever stop._

_I knew the back of my car was… I could feel the wind coming in behind me. I couldn’t turn around. I tried. I was pinned and I’d lost all my strength screaming._

_It was my fault._

* * *

My therapist Greg listened as I recalled my dreams. And all the memories that flooded back with them.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he said when I’d finished.

“I know how to drive,” I told him. “I know what to do. Why did I turn the wheel?” I was crying.

“You had a second. One second. You went on instinct, Faith. It wasn’t enough time to make a conscious decision.”

“So my instinct was to save myself.”

He shook his head. “Your instinct was to avoid a collision. One that was unavoidable. That’s what we do. We turn the wheel. We don’t drive headfirst into an oncoming car.”

I shivered. “I killed the only person in this world that’s ever mattered to me,” I told him.

He shook his head again. “You’re lying to yourself again. You do that a lot. She’s not the only person that you cared about. If it was reversed… If it had been Buffy driving, would you be able to forgive her?”

I thought about that for a moment. I’d never considered it. “Yeah,” I finally said. “Of course.”

He nodded. “Because it wouldn’t be her fault. Right?”

I finally nodded back.

“So forgive yourself too. You deserve that.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

He frowned. “So we’ve gotten phone calls. Someone who wants to visit. She’s incredibly…” He paused, searching for a word. “Persistent.”

“I can’t see Buffy right now,” I sighed.

He shook his head. “It’s not Buffy.” He caught my eyes and I knew he was trying to read me. “It’s your sister-in-law.”

I started shaking my head. “No. No way. I can’t…”

I heard him sigh. I was getting so tired of his sighs. “Your alcoholism, it’s a symptom, Faith.”

I raised my eyebrow at this. “Yeah, a symptom of being an alcoholic.”

He shook his head. “No. I mean, yes… you are an alcoholic but… I need you to understand something…” He was watching me closely. “Sometimes… sometimes after a traumatic event… people get stuck. It’s the normal shock of the trauma, but it doesn’t wear off. After a traumatic experience you are supposed to process your emotions. Come out of it. With post-traumatic stress disorder however, you remain in psychological shock. Your memory of what happened and your feelings about it are disconnected. In order to move on, it’s important to face and feel your memories and emotions.”

“I don’t have PTSD, doctor. I was in a car accident. Not war.” I’d been in a lot worse than his idea of a war anyway. Nothing had done this…

He frowned. “You experienced a trauma. A horrible one. And you’ve…” He searched for his words again. “…how many days can you say that you were happy? All of your life. Let’s say if you could give me a percentage? Before Eva. As far back as you can remember.”

I sighed and looked away. “I have no idea what you’re even asking.”

“Seventy-five percent? Sixty? Give me a number.”

I shrugged my reply.

“So fifty? Is that close? Can you say you’ve been happy about half the time?”

“Twenty,” I muttered.

He nodded. “You’ve told me about your childhood. Your parents. You’re a perfect storm for PTSD, Faith. Depression. Stress. You’ve never been taught to cope. You were taught to hide. And Buffy closed you out. Your family was hurting. There was no one there for you.”

I shook my head. I wasn’t sure why I was fighting this so much. “That isn’t true. They tried. I just wouldn’t…” I felt a tear run down my cheek and swiped angrily at it. “”Everyone was hurting.”

I watched him frown. “I’m sure they were. But you said… you said Buffy’s family was your family as well?”

“Yeah.”

“You felt guilty and they let you feel that way. It’s not a far jump.”

I shook my head. “This isn’t her fault. Or theirs… it’s mine and I…”

“I know it’s not their fault, Faith. I’m telling you that they were factors.” He leaned closer to me. “Listen, we can stop the drinking. We have stopped it. And I’m proud of you… but… you have got to deal with the other. The cause. Not the symptom.”

I closed my eyes tightly and bit my lip. I didn’t want to look at him. I couldn’t talk about this anymore. “I don’t know if I can.”

“Your sister-in-law is here. She wants to see you. I told her she could come to tomorrow’s session, if you agreed.” He studied my face. “Do you?”

“She hates me,” I whispered.

“Well, I can’t speak for her, but I doubt very highly she does. And if she does, at least you know. So let me ask again - will you see her?”

I didn’t want to. I couldn’t face them sober. Anyone of them. But what choice did I have. “I guess,” I whispered so quietly, I wasn’t sure he heard me.

* * *

When I got to the therapy room the next day, I could hear my doctor talking behind the door.

“Go on in, honey,” his receptionist smiled.

“I… I don’t want to interrupt…”

She shook her head. “They’re waiting on you.”

I knew whom he was talking to then.

I knocked softly on the door and opened it. Dawn was sitting on the couch I usually occupy. “Faith,” she whispered. She stood up and then sat back down abruptly. I’d never seen her so nervous. “I… I… God, I don’t know what to say now.”

I nodded. I didn’t trust my voice. I just stood in the doorway like a moron and I had to will myself not to fall over.

“Come in,” Greg said. He turned to her. “Dawn…”

She nodded at him. “Sit down,” she said, trying to smile.

I sat in a chair on the other side of the room. I crossed my arms across my chest and made myself hold eye contact with her.

“Faith, I’m so…” I watched her swallow. The tears brimmed and spilled over. I’d never seen her cry so willingly before. “I’m so sorry. I knew you were hurting and…” She looked away and then turned quickly back to me. “…it’s not your fault.” She stood up.

“Don’t,” I choked out, holding up my hand. “Please don’t…”

She ignored my plea, and walked over to me. She squatted down in front of me. “I shouldn’t have sent you away. I was so scared you would… If Giles hadn’t kept up with you…”

I looked away. “If you knew where I was… why didn’t you…” I couldn’t finish.

She shook her head. “I don’t know,” she started sobbing. “I didn’t want to blame you… but I…”

I closed my eyes. My cheeks were wet and I didn’t think I’d ever cried that much in front of her before. “I didn’t mean to hurt her,” I finally got out. My sobs were close to strangling me.

“I know that.” She choked out. She wrapped her arms around me. It momentarily crossed my mind that she was on her knees in front of me. I’d never seen her sit like that before.

When she pulled me to her, I felt like I was falling off a building. My body felt as if all the bones were just… gone. I melted in front of her. I wasn’t sure how I’d ended up on the floor with her, but I was. She was holding me.

“We’re going to make this better,” she was chanting. “I’m going to make this better.”

 “Dawn, I…” I couldn’t speak.

“Shh,” she whispered against my head. “It’ll be okay.”

It was the softness in her voice that broke me. I couldn’t answer her. So, I just let her hold me.

* * *

Dawn spent the next few days at the clinic with me. After my breakdown on the first day, Greg suggested we just spend some time together. He wanted me to think about the things he’d suggested.

I couldn’t say I was looking forward to the next session but I knew I had to do it anyway.

“Faith,” he started. “I want you to explain to Dawn and me exactly what emotions you’ve been experiencing since Eva’s death.”

I didn’t speak.

She was wringing her hands, waiting for me to answer him. “Please?” She finally prompted.

“What do you think I was feeling?” I was angrier than I’d been in a few days.

She jumped slightly at my tone, and then frowned. She looked back to Greg.

“Grief,” he stated. “But more than that, I’m guessing. Be specific.”

I shook my head and looked away from them.

“Okay,” he relented. “Then why drink?”

I turned to look at him then. “What?”

“Why drink?” He asked again. “You were in car accident because of a drunk driver. Why drink? Have you ever asked yourself that?”

I had. Every time I took a drink. “I wanted to die,” I whispered. “I wanted to die like her.”

He nodded.

I could hear Dawn crying but I couldn’t look at her.

“I was killing Buffy. I was…” I swallowed. “Everyone looked at me with this look… like…” I wasn’t even sure I knew what I was saying. “If I had died… instead of Eva… it didn’t…” I trailed off.

“You didn’t though,” he said. “You’re still alive.”

I shuddered. “I shouldn’t be.”

“Faith,” she started. “You can’t believe that.”

“Nothing is going to bring your daughter back,” Greg finally said.

I blinked away the stupid tears and nodded. “I know that. I’m not stupid. I just don’t want to hurt anyone else. I keep hurting…”

“…yourself,” he finished for me. “You keep hurting yourself.” He frowned. “You are carrying a heavy load of self-blame and survivor’s guilt. And that is something that you can’t fix with alcohol. You’ll only make it worse. You think you’re punishing yourself by killing yourself slowly. But you’re not. You’re avoiding. You’re punishing everyone else.”

I gulped and the sound echoed throughout the room.

“Do you want to stop?”

I nodded slowly.

“Then you have to forgive yourself. Tell yourself it wasn’t your fault.” He took an envelope from his desk and pulled something out of it. My eyes were blurry and I couldn’t see what it was at first. He stood up and walked over to me. “And look at her. Remember her. She deserves that. She deserves you remembering her. She deserves you surviving.”

I closed my eyes. “No!”

“Please, Faith,” Dawn said. I felt her hand on my knee. “Look at her. She was so beautiful. Just like you. She had your eyes.”

I shook my head. “Please don’t make me.” I couldn’t do this.

“Look at her, Faith.” His voice was forceful.

“I can’t!” I wailed. “Please don’t do this. Please… I can’t… Oh god…”

“Do it for her,” Dawn whispered. “If you don’t do it for anyone else. If you won’t do it for yourself, please…”

I sobbed but opened my eyes slowly. She was holding the photograph in her hands. I could barely see it at first.

* * *

_“Are you taking my picture?” I asked incredulously._

_I was the one who took the photographs. B loved the camera. I loved to oblige. Especially if I didn’t have to be in it._

_“She’s laughing at you,” Buffy smiled. “She doesn’t do that for anyone else. Look at that grin, Faith.”_

_I picked Eva up and kissed her belly. “Are you laughing at Mommy?” I giggled. “Hmm?’_

_Her voice was what I imagined a cherub would sound like. Sweet. Melodic. The timbre with which she laughed sounded like a clear bell._

_“I can’t believe you finally found someone who thinks you’re funny,” Buffy mused, snapping another photo. “Now I don’t have to pretend.”_

_“You’re mother is delusional. And loud. And…” I blew on her belly this time. “…short. Tiny short. Which is cool I guess, because you guys can share clothes once you start kindergarten.”_

_“Ignoring you, F,” Buffy smiled._

_I sat Eva on my lap and put my arms around her. I pressed my cheek against Eva’s and she cooed. “Also, she’s dramatic. Insanely dramatic.”_

_Eva curled her fists together and smiled at Buffy. I blew in her ear. She giggled like I’d told her the funniest joke on the planet._

_“Oh my god,” Buffy squealed. “Get her to do that again!”_

_She had the camera poised. I rolled my eyes. But I obliged. Like I said, I always obliged._

* * *

I was holding that photograph. The one Buffy took that day. It was three days before she left to go to Los Angeles. Ten days before my daughter died.

She was sitting on my knees and I was resting my chin on her shoulder. One of her hands was curled in my hair and the other one was reaching for Buffy, like she couldn’t decide whom to give her attention to.

It was the smile though. That was what I wouldn’t let myself remember. I wasn’t sure when it dawned on me, but I hadn’t seen a picture of her since I left. I don’t know how long I stared at the photograph. I ran my finger over and over it.

“I loved her so much,” I finally whispered, not looking up. “I didn’t know you could love something so much.”

“You still get to love her,” Dawn said beside me. “Nothing can change that.”

I nodded, but didn’t speak.

“You also still get to live,” Greg added. “Because you haven’t been living for over a year. It’s time.”

I nodded again, softly.

“How can Buffy not hate me?” I asked her.

She frowned. “Buffy has felt a lot of different things, Faith. She’s been sad. Angry. Terrified. But she’s never hated you.” She sighed. “But this isn’t about Buffy.””

“Ms. Summers is right. You’ve got to fix yourself before you can repair anything else in your life.”

I looked back down to the photograph. I was smiling in it. Really smiling. I was happy. I realized that my twenty percent of happiness was in that photograph. I expelled a deep breath. I was afraid I was going to cry again. And I didn’t want that.

“Okay,” I finally said as quiet as I could. “Okay…”

I wasn’t sure happiness was a realistic goal.

I thought I should try to be alive first.

* * *

“We’ve had a request for more visitors,” Greg started.

Dawn had been here a week now. I was getting better… as better as someone could get, I guess. I still had the urge to drink. But I’d learned to channel my urges. It meant a lot of time in the gym.

Everyday, Dawn had shown me a new photograph of Eva. Or not new… but, well… new. I felt like sometimes I was seeing her for the first time. I wasn’t sure how she’d gotten her hands on so many pictures of us together. I hadn’t given them to her. Most of them Buffy had kept in a photo album.

I raised my eyebrow at Greg.

“Would you like to know whom?” He asked.

“I’m not ready…” I finally said. “I thought I was but…”

“Do you want to make it work? With Buffy?”

I sighed heavily. It was a loaded question. Did I? I loved Buffy more than anything in the world now. I felt like she was all I had tethering me to it sometimes. But I’d hurt her.

“The few days I spent with her,” I started to hesitate. I knew if I didn’t say everything now, I would never say it. “Those days… they seem sort of not… not real. Like I dreamed them.”

He nodded. “You’ve been living in a haze for over a year now.”

I thought about that. He was right. I hadn’t felt this clearheaded in as long as I could remember.

“Why does she want to see me?”

“What makes you think it’s her?” He asked.

“It’s not?” Dawn asked him.

“No,” he said. “It’s not. It’s someone else. Two someone else’s honestly.”

“I don’t know,” I whispered. “I don’t know if I’m ready.”

 Dawn frowned at this.

“Are you afraid?” He asked me.

I shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know what I’m feeling. I’m not afraid of Red,” I said. “I just… I’m afraid she hates me. How can she not?”

“You said earlier this week that you wouldn’t blame Buffy. Why would you assume anyone blames you?”

I’d lied. I honestly didn’t know what I would feel. If I were B, I wasn’t sure I couldn’t keep from blaming her. Blaming someone. Wasn’t that normal? Blame? “How can they not blame me? I was the one driving the car that killed her.”

“No,” Dawn said softly. “You were driving the car that was hit. Someone else killed her. Not you. Why do you keep doing this to yourself?”

I sighed. “One night I…” I took a very deep breath. I couldn’t look at either of them. “One night I heard her… She was talking to Angel. It was before I started…” I didn’t want to say ‘sleeping around’ or whatever… “acting out.”

Greg leaned forward. “What did you hear?”

* * *

_It had been one week since Eva died. Buffy wouldn’t speak to me. She wouldn’t speak to her sister, her friends. She walked around like she was a ghost. I caught myself staring at her because I was so afraid she was going to disappear._

_“Faith? What are you doing out here?” I hadn’t heard Ken walk up._

_I’d been hiding behind the castle. There was a tree towards the back and I leaned as best I could on crutches against its base. Sometimes I felt like I could breathe outside._

_“Nothing,” I finally answered her. “Just getting some air.”_

_“Andrew wants to know if you want something to eat?”_

_I shrugged._

_“You need to eat,” she frowned. “Please. If you eat… then maybe Buffy will...”_

_It was a low blow._

_I nodded, resigned. “I don’t know what to do, K. I really don’t. I don’t know how to talk to her. I…” I bit my lip so I wouldn’t cry. I was so damn sick of crying._

_She put her hand on my shoulder. “Just try. You can’t avoid her because she’s avoiding you. Someone has to give. You’re just existing in each other’s spaces right now.”_

_She was right. I knew she was right. “I’ll try.”_

_She smiled. “She’s in the study. Angel went to check on her. He’s going back tomorrow.”_

_I sighed. Life moved on. People had lives. Responsibilities. Just because we were stuck in a stasis, didn’t mean that the world stopped for everyone else. It wasn’t fair._

_Ken helped me inside, and I shook her off before I made my way to B. I didn’t want Buffy knowing that Ken had suggested it. I wanted her to think I was putting in the effort on my own._

_Her voice stopped me outside the door._

_“I’m trying,” I heard her say. “You don’t know how bad I’m trying. And it’s not fair. I know that, Angel. It’s not. But I can’t help it. I just keep seeing her… lying there in that hospital bed and not Eva. And it’s not…” She broke down quietly._

_“It wasn’t her fault,” Angel said. “And she’s hurting as much as you.”_

_“Realistically… realistically I know that. I understand it was an accident. But I see her… and I’m just so… I’m so angry at her.”_

_My legs felt weak, and I leaned against the wall. I closed my eyes. I should have just turned around and left but I needed it. It was twisted, but I almost wanted her to keep going. Every word she spoke felt deeper than any knife she could plunge into my gut._

_“Have you tried talking to her?” He asked. “Maybe if you just…”_

_“No!” She screamed. It made me jump. “No! You don’t understand how much I want… God, I just need all of this to go away! These feelings! This pity! I need her to go away! I can’t even look at her. She was driving that car. I just…” I heard sob again. “I’m trying so hard to remember that I loved her. That I love her. And I know she’s hurting but I just…”_

_I felt my stomach twist into a knot tighter than I’d ever felt._

_“Just what?” Angel asked._

_“I just don’t care,” she finally said._

_“Buffy…” He started._

_I didn’t stick around to hear anymore._

* * *

“Does she know you heard her?” He asked me.

I shook my head. “What would be the point in telling her that?”

He gave me the trademark sigh. “Well nothing if you’re finished with her. If you don’t want to see her. If you want to move on… nothing. But, if you do. And you want to fix this. And you want to heal. Even if it’s not with her… you still owe it to yourself. And to her.”

Dawn cleared her throat. “Can I interject?”

He waved his hand at her.

“Faith, you were Eva’s parents. Are her parents…” she quickly corrected. “And… it’s just the right thing to do. I don’t think you’re going to ever heal if you don’t face some of this. Please.”

I let would she said sink in. “Have you spoken to her?”

“Not since I’ve gotten here. She’s called a few times. And sent me more texts than I care to freakin count. I just sent her a message that you're improving. Dr. Thompson didn’t think it wise right now for me to share any more information than that.”

He nodded. “This isn’t something Dawn can fix. This is about Buffy. And you. She called yesterday. I think once she realized that she wasn’t going to get anything out of her, she had to go to the source.” He smiled softly. “She’s used to getting her way, I imagine.” He shook his head. “But in order to face her… it may be prudent to face everyone else first.”

I rolled my eyes. I can only imagine what she said to him. She hated being in the dark. I sighed. I wasn’t sure I wasn’t making a huge mistake. “Fine,” I finally whispered. “Tell them to come.”

He nodded. “They’ll be here tomorrow afternoon.”

It was the first day I really wondered if I could find a drink.

* * *

Greg cleared his calendar and I was told that they would come get me when Red and Kennedy got here. I had group in the morning. And I spent the early afternoon with one of the other patients who had gone through a similar situation as me. Sometimes she and I would sit in the gardens and listen to the waves crash behind us. It was peaceful.

I liked the silence.

“Ms. Lehane,” I heard from beside me. “Dr. Thompson will see you now.”

I turned and frowned to Eta. “Here goes nothing.”

She smiled softly back. “Child, you’ve got a chance. That’s more than most of us. Take it.”

I nodded at her as I followed the nurse inside.

I felt like I was seeing them for the first time. I was terrified.

“They’re in there,” the nurse ushered.

I stopped outside the door. “I’m not sure I can…”

“Don’t back out now, sweetie.” She whispered opening the door.

I don’t know what I was expecting. 

“Hi,” I whispered, shutting the door behind me.

“Hey,” Red said softly. Ken was sitting next to her. She smiled at me.

I stayed where I was. I wasn’t sure where I was supposed to sit. Was I supposed to sit? Every single fiber in my body was telling me to open the door and run the fuck out as fast as I could. If they knew how much I wanted to turn around and go… I stayed put.

“Come sit down, Faith,” Greg finally said, breaking the silence. He must’ve noticed my hesitation, because he gestured to the chair across from them.

I knew it was safer. I had to tell my feet to move. I felt like I was walking in quicksand. Or to the gallows. I wasn’t sure I could do this.

Greg looked at Willow expectantly. It was a gesture I knew well. He wanted her to speak. I watched her face and she seemed hesitant. Afraid. She was chewing her lip.

“I..” I started. I didn’t want her to feel like she had to do this.

“No,” she said, cutting me off. “I should go first. It’s what we talked about.” She said, looking at Greg.

I nodded for her to continue.

“I’m glad you’re here,” she finally started. “I was angry at Ken that no one told me you were leaving but…” she sighed. “I understand why… and it’s good. That you’re getting help. We’re proud of you.”

“Thank you,” I whispered. “I don’t know what to… what to say,” I stuttered. “I’m sorry for…”

Greg shook his head. “No. No apologies. Not yet.” He turned to Red. “I’m going to ask Faith to talk. I want her to explain her reasoning, her feelings, etc… for her behavior since Eva’s death.”

Had he lost his mind? “Uhhh…” I began. “You didn’t say…”

He sighed. “What did you think we were going to do, Faith? You agreed to see them. You need to learn to do this. You have to.”

I scowled at him. I told him that yesterday. “I can’t,” I muttered.

“Why?” Ken asked, before he could speak.

I fought the overwhelming urge to look away. “Because I don’t know if I can say it. I don’t know what it will do.”

Greg sighed again. “Can I be frank, Faith?”

I raised my eyebrow. “Meaning?”

“We have doctor/patient privileges. I don’t want to reveal more than you want me to. I need your permission.”

I closed my eyes and tried to hide my exasperation. I waved my hand in the air for him to continue. I suddenly realized we weren’t getting out of this room until something happened. And Jesus Christ did I want to be out of this room.

“Do you know what Post Traumatic Stress is?” He asked them.

I didn’t groan out loud, but my mind was going crazy.

They both nodded.

 “It’s my opinion that Faith’s drinking and… well, other behavior was a result of PTSD. Often times the result of a traumatic experience is…” he continued to explain what he thought I was suffering from.

I tuned him out and consciously willed him to shut up and let me out of here.

“…will not heal itself,” he finished.

Red was watching my face. “I didn’t know that you could have that. I thought it was for soldiers or…”

He stopped her. “Anyone who has suffered a tragedy like Faith is susceptible. The problem with PTSD in people like her is that it often goes misdiagnosed until something happens. Or someone is hurt.”

She nodded again. She frowned sympathetically at me. “I didn’t know…”

“No one expected you to,” I said, harsher than I’d intended.

She recoiled physically but didn’t answer me.

I could feel the anger at… at something… someone bubbling underneath my surface. I took a few deep breaths to try to control it.

“Tell them,” Greg prompted. “Quit swallowing it all down. You’ve got to start talking at some point. This is only going to get worse. They’ve agreed to come here and listen to you.”

She nodded. “Please tell me.” I watched her eyes glisten and felt nauseous.

I shook my head.

“Okay,” Greg prompted. “How about this? What’s one question you have for Willow? One thing you want to know. Can you do that at least?”

I wanted to say no. I wanted to scream ‘Fuck you!’ and run. Instead, I labored my breathing and thought for a few moments. Finally I nodded back. “I guess.”

He waved his hand around. “Go on then…”

“I…”

He shook his head. “Not me… Her.”

I turned to her instead. She was watching me with wide eyes and I knew she was afraid of what I was about to ask. I almost shook my head again, but he was right… as annoying as that was. “Why did you… everyone… shut me out?” I was barely even whispering.

“I…” she stuttered. “I… I don’t know.” She frowned sadly. “I don’t know.”

Ken shook her head as well. “Neither do I.”

“Do you know how I felt? I blamed myself. I still do I’d walk into the room and…” I bit back the tears that I was afraid were going to spill. “I just wanted someone to keep me from drowning…” I choked on the last word and looked away.

“We were so angry,” Willow started.

“I know,” I finally told her.

He motioned with his head. “Go on,” he mouthed to me.

“When I left that night you said I’d made them chose.” I sighed. “I believed you at the time. But…” I hesitated, and she looked at me. “…but I think you choose before. You choose that night. I woke up in the hospital and no one was there. You were all gone. Even you were gone,” I told Kennedy. “No one stayed to…” I started to cry. “And I didn’t want to take that from Buffy, because she needed it. But I just… how could you not understand how much I was hurting? Why didn’t one of you ask? No one would even look at me. You all looked right through me. And when you did… you looked at me like you hated me.”

Red wiped at her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Kennedy said softly.

Greg cleared his throat. “No. This isn’t about blame. It’s about forgiveness.”

“I can’t,” I said. “I’m not doing this.” I spun towards him. “Why would you make me do this?”

Willow was the one who shook her head. “No. No, it’s okay. He said you needed to be able to process. And we need to listen.”

I crossed my arms and sat back. “I’m done. I’m tired of causing people pain.”

He watched my face before speaking. “Is that what you think you’re doing?”

“Obviously,” I mumbled.

“Why are you protecting Buffy?” He asked.

“Because I fucking love her!” I yelled.

They both jumped at my tone.

“Who’s protecting you?” He challenged. “Who was protecting you when you were grieving? Drinking? Who’s protecting you now?” He put his hands on his desk. “It obviously wasn’t you. It’s not her. So who is it?”

“No one,” Kennedy answered for me. “No one did.”

He sat back and crossed his arms, giving me a run for my money in intimidating stares. “You can’t claim to love someone, Faith, when you despise yourself.”

“Fuck you,” I bit back.

He sighed and swiveled his chair around to face them instead. “All this time… In St. Thomas… did you understand what you were asking of her?”

Red closed her eyes and shook her head. She looked like a chastised child. I wanted to punch him.

“Stop it,” I growled at him.

“No,” he dismissed me without even giving me a glance. “Faith has been shouldering the burden of guilt for Eva’s death since the night it happened. I want you to tell her the truth. Tell her what you told me. Give her something so she doesn’t give up. Because you know you can.”

Willow nodded, composing herself once again. She looked me deep into the eyes and held my gaze for a moment before steeling herself to speak. “We blamed you.”

I felt like she had kicked me in the stomach. The air left my lungs in a silent gasp and I gulped quickly. “Right…”

She shook her head. “Let me finish. No one ever said anything. We didn’t talk about it. But we did. It doesn’t make any sense and we were wrong. But we did. You left because we told you to go. Because we all did. And honestly…” here she paused. “Honestly Buffy could finally breathe after you left. And that was what was important.”

I closed my eyes before she’d finished speaking. I hated Greg. I wanted out of this room. Out of this clinic. I wanted a drink. I didn’t want to see any of them ever again.

“But it wasn’t your fault,” Ken whispered. “It wasn’t, Faith. Nothing you did was wrong. We were wrong. We’ve been selfish. Horribly selfish…” She sighed. “We chose wrong.”

I wasn’t looking at her. I heard her get up but I couldn’t turn to look at her. She pulled the coffee table closer to me and sat down on it. She took my hands and held them against my knee. “Can you please just look at me?”

I shook my head. I could feel the tracks of tears on my face. They were falling onto my shoulder. She took one of her hands and guided me to face her. I closed my eyes.

“Open you eyes,” she pleaded.

It took a moment to stop crying, but I finally did.

“We’re sorry.” She sighed.

Willow sat down beside her. “We really are.”

“You didn’t do anything.” I hated how small I sounded.

“You’re right,” Red answered. “We didn’t do _anything._ We knew what was happening and we ignored it.”

“Do you still hate me?”

Willow bit her lip. “I can’t hate you. I blamed you. I was angry at you. But I haven’t hated you since we were kids. How could I when Buffy loved you?”

I nodded at that. I took a breath and fought down the unmitigated fear in my stomach before I finally spoke again. “I need you to help me,” I said quietly.

She nodded again. “We will.”

* * *

Greg asked the three of them to stay for the next two weeks. Thought most rehab programs lasted twenty-eight days, he wanted to extend my stay. And he wanted to include “my family” in my treatment.

They said yes, though for some reason I expected them not to. I don’t know why I was surprised.

After the first day with them, I was spent. Physically. Emotionally. My entire body hurt. Though I was afraid of what it would bring, I agreed to meet with them the next morning.

When I got to his office, the three of them were already there. I sat down in the same seat I’d sat in yesterday. It was easier to sit across from them. Dawn smiled softly at me. I quirked my eyebrow back.

“What is it, Faith?” Greg asked me.

His question caught me off guard. It was strange how well he could read me. I knew it was his job, but… it still left me unsettled.

“Nothing,” I finally answered.

“You seem surprised,” he countered.

I looked back at the three of them.

“She’s not used to seeing someone on her side,” Ken answered for me.

She was right.

He seemed to contemplate this. “Does that bother you?” He asked me.

I shrugged. “Just not the normal way of things.”

He seemed to notice my hesitation and must’ve decided to let it go.

“Let’s dig a little deeper today,” he started.

I tried, but was unsuccessful, at suppressing my moan.

They all ignored me.

“I want to start with Willow today,” he told us. “She’s Buffy’s best friend and I think she has insight we need to hear.”

I nodded and tried not to look relieved. It wasn’t that I wanted to hear what she had to say exactly, but I wasn’t sure I could lay myself out there today. Everything was painful.

She frowned though. “I’m not sure I understand?” She asked.

“I want to know what you’ve observed.”

I didn’t like the sound of that. I didn’t want to experience any more grief. Again, I stayed quiet.

“We know that you all were angry,” he began. “And anger is a facet of grief. Everyone goes through that stage. People need someone to blame. Parents often blame each other. Or themselves,” he frowned, catching my eye. “But I want to know about the day to day. How everyone copes. Because Faith hasn’t been coping. She’s been running from all of this. She needs to hear it from your side.”

Willow nodded. I wasn’t sure what he was asking her to do, but she seemed to understand him.

“I guess the first thing I felt was shock. I mean, I didn’t believe it. I spent the first few weeks feeling like I was in a dream?”

I wasn’t sure what she was asking. But Greg seemed to understand that she needed some sort of reassurance, so he nodded.

“Can I back up?” She asked him. He nodded again. “I just want to maybe put this in context. As Faith can tell you, I can be a little long-winded. I’ve tried to curb that unfortunate habit but…”

“I don’t think either of us have a problem with that,” Greg said, looking at me.

I nodded at her. “Say what you want. I’m listening.”

She half-smiled back at me. “None of us ever really understood why Faith gave in, you know? After everything… everything that happened… how Buffy reacted… it just seemed, well to me at least, like Faith gave up. Or gave in, I guess.” She frowned. “It seemed so backwards in a way.”

He looked at me.

“Why do you think?” I asked. I tried to hide my exasperation. I wasn’t sure I’d pulled it off.

“Don’t do that,” he warned. “Answer her.”

“Jesus, Red. I fucking loved her. Even then. You know that.”

She nodded, and turned to Greg. “I remember thinking, she’d just given up, you know? At first. When she came back with me to Sunnydale that night… that night we needed her though. It dawned on me. We were standing in the hospital and I thought… holy Goddess, she loves her. It was so weird.” 

* * *

" _You told her the sitch, right? She knows I'm coming. Probably been up all night hanging streamers,” I told her._

_“Yeah, but it's not like you're study buddies, exactly. Maybe it'd be better if I...eased her into the whole thing.”_

_I grinned. “I can't stay here, Willow. Spent way too much time in hospitals. We don't click. Don't worry. I'm sure we'll all get along just fine.”_

_“Oh my goddess,” Willow started. “Faith are you…”_

_She stared in my eyes for longer than I would normally be comfortable with. “Don’t be overthinking shit, Red… Just hate hospitals.”_

_She nodded. “Right,” she muttered as I turned to go._

* * *

“There was no way you could…”

She shook her head, stopping me. “But I did. We adjusted, right? And then Eva…” She sighed, and stopped smiling. “I can’t even explain it. It just made since.”

Greg nodded at her.

“When Eva was born… everyone loved her. I loved her. We all did.” Ken and Dawn nodded as well. “She was perfect. Everything about her.”

I shook my head. “Please stop.”

“No,” she shook her head forcefully. “let me finish.”

I nodded and bit my lip. I knew I had to let her finish but I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear it. I just wanted to apologize. I wanted to apologize until I was out of breath.

“I’ve spent the last year trying to come to terms with the fairness of it all,” she sighed. “Nothing about what happened seemed fair to me. Nobody deserved this.” She frowned at me. “But… I just… what did Buffy do? She felt like the best part of her died. What were we supposed to do? Because I don’t know. How were we supposed to choose?”

It was a question I wanted to answer but I fought with myself and ultimately I didn’t speak.

Greg nodded, because he knew she wasn’t finished.

“I kept waking up in the middle of the night… and it would take me a few moments to realize that it wasn’t a dream. That she was really dead. And I thought… goddess, I replayed everything in my head. We don’t know what happened and Ken wouldn’t tell me… You didn’t remember and…” She turned to me then.

I felt sick. I swallowed down the nausea, but I couldn’t speak.

She was a baby,” she mumbled through tears. “How is that fair?”

I jumped.

“No one can answer that. How is that fair?” She took a deep, shuddering breath, but she didn’t stop crying. “How was I supposed to help my best friend? Because I didn’t know. I just knew that if I ignored the truth… and I pretended like none of that ever happened, then I could help her the only way I knew how. So we chose.”

Greg looked at me and I was happy he’d given me permission.

“I don’t blame any of you.”

“But you wanted to die,” Dawn said defiantly. “You said you did.”

“I did.” I sighed. “I lost or pushed everything I cared about out of my life. I’ve felt dead for a year now.”

Greg cleared his throat. We both collected ourselves and turned to look at him. “Do you see what you’ve done?”

No one spoke.

“You all punished yourselves by pushing each other away. Survivor’s guilt…” he mused. “You must understand that. It’s not your fault that you’re still alive. Any of you. You can’t blame yourself. And you can’t blame each other.”

“So what do we do?” Ken asked him in a tiny voice that made me want to hold her tighter.

“Stop,” he said simply.

“How?” I asked him.

“Well, that’s what we’re here to figure out. But this…” he waved his arm at us. “This is a start. We continue this. And when you leave… wherever you go… … you continue this. Can you do that?”

“And what about Buffy?” I asked.

“She either participates or she doesn’t. This isn’t about her anymore. It’s about you. You stop waiting on Buffy to heal. You heal yourself. Lean on what you have. The support system that’s spent two weeks here with you, trying to help.”

They nodded at me. I’d never felt like I had a family before Eva. And certainly never after. Not until that moment.

* * *

_“Does it feel weird?”_

_“Does what feel weird?”_

_“Being pregnant?” I asked._

_She studied my face. She did that when she didn’t know what I was asking. “As opposed to what?”_

_I tried really hard not to roll my eyes. Sadly it was almost instinctual. “As opposed to not being pregnant.”_

_She didn’t look up from the magazine she was reading. “It’s different.” She mused._

_Mother of all that was holy. “Well, no kidding B. I would’ve never assumed.”_

_She did look up at that. “Why the sudden interest?”_

_“Cause you’re all round now. I just wonder if you center of gravity feels…”_

_At that she threw the magazine down. “I’m all round now? Is that really what you’re going with, Faith? Because that’s a dangerously big hole to dig,” she interrupted._

_Granted, I probably shouldn’t have said ‘all round.’ But I really wanted to know. “You look fine, blondie. I didn’t mean...”_

_“Fine? Are you kidding me right now? I look fine. Fine… Okay. Well that is the nicest compliment I’ve been paid never.”_

_I prayed to a god I wasn’t sure I believed in to give me some sort of strength. And possibly a filter. “Amazing. Beautiful. Glowing.”_

_“It’s called sweat,” she huffed. “I’m glowing because I’m sweating. It’s hotter than eight hells in this house.”_

_Do not roll your eyes. Do not do it._

_“Stop rolling your eyes at me!”_

_Damn it. I decided to take a deep breath and try again. “Okay. You’re right. About everything. I just wanted to know what it felt like.”_

_She smiled softly at that. “Different. But good. It feels amazing. When she kicks I… I can’t explain it. I love it,” she said quietly, rubbing her stomach. “Why?”_

_“Just wondering…” I answered._

* * *

When I was in Sunnydale I read a lot. Giles gave me some philosophy books. Shocker, right. But I devoured them. Don’t ask me why, but for some reason my existence was extremely important to me at the time.

I remember reading about the sophists. At the risk of sounding boring, they basically believed that the only thing that could truly be proven to exist was your mind. Because everything you experienced, no matter what it was… pain or pleasure… you experienced it alone. You would never, no matter how hard you tried, be able to experience anyone else’s emotions, etc.

It honestly was a depressing philosophy to live by. How selfish is it to believe you are the only person to exist and that everything in existence besides you is suspect to your beliefs? I found it incredibly lonely. Disturbingly lonely.

I didn’t realize how much sense it actually made.

* * *

We spent the next few days meeting with Greg. In some ways it was getting easier. In some – harder. It just depended on what I focused on. I wasn’t sure if talking about Eva was better than not talking about her. When he dug deeper or whatever he called it, it was almost worse. Because we had to face things we’d never even really talked about.

 Today was a “Faith” day. I didn’t like them at all. But I said I would try and I meant it.

“What are you most angry about?” Greg asked.

What a loaded question. They were all three were here today. I avoided looking at him.

“Isn’t that something we should discuss in private?” I asked him.

He didn’t bite.

I moaned inwardly. “Isn’t that obvious?” I asked.

He looked at them. “Is it?”

Dawn shrugged. “Faith’s always seemed angry about everything to be quite frank.”

Oh really? Please be frank, Dawn. I sighed. “I’m obviously angry that my daughter is dead.”

Ken sighed and Red bit her lip.

“Be more concrete,” Greg offered, off-handedly.

“I assume you don’t want to be here until tomorrow,” I quipped. “I’m not sure I can give you a list, Greg. I’m just angry.”

“Okay,” he ventured. “So qualify it. Who are you angry at?”

I sat back and huffed, crossing my arms. “Myself.”

Red was squirming in her seat.

“Do you have something to say?” Greg asked her.

She nodded. “She’s lying. Or not lying, but… she’s angry at us,” she gestured.

 I rolled my eyes. “She’s wrong.”

“Faith, dude, you gotta be honest or we’re never getting out of here.”

“Really? Because I am pretty sure you don’t want to hear what I have to say, Ken.”

She sighed dramatically. “I wouldn’t have spoken up if I didn’t want to hear you, dumbass.”

Willow nodded her agreement. I felt like they were ganging up on me. I got that caged animal feeling I often got when that happened. I stood up. I needed to move. No one said anything as I started pacing.

“Well besides the obvious… I guess just everyone. I don’t know what you want to hear.”

“The truth,” Greg said. “That would be a start.”

He was a smartass. Some days, I hated him.

“To be honest, the only person I’m not angry at is Giles. I suppose that’s ironic, but… there it is.” I finally answered. “We’ve been through all this,” I supplied. “I don’t want to do it again.”

“So what are your plans then?” He asked, changing topics so abruptly I stopped walking.

“Excuse me?”

“After you leave here. What are you plans? If you’re angry at everyone… where are you going to go? What are you going to do? Have you thought about that? Because you can’t go back to Boston.” He sat back in his chair. “But you know that.”

To be honest, I had thought about that. I wasn’t sure where I could go. “I have no idea.”

“Your job… from before… do you want to do that again?” He asked.

“I don’t know,” I watched Ken’s face as I answered. I was standing on the other side of the room.

“What did you want to do?” He asked.

“What I’m supposed to do,” I whispered.

“So why don’t you?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

He seemed to be thinking for a moment, so I chanced a glance at the three of them. They were staring at each other, like they were communicating. It was weird.

He turned to Ken suddenly. “What do you want?”

She seemed shocked by that. “I don’t know what you’re asking.”

He shook his head. “Oh, I think you do. What do you want?”

She closed her eyes like she did when she was getting a headache. I wasn’t sure I could hear what she would say but I was trying. My new motto. Try, try, try.

“I would honestly just like for everything to be normal again.” She was staring at her hands. “I want my friend back.”

“Hhmph,” I hummed.

Four sets of eyes followed me.

“That’s not really realistic, is it?” I tried. “Normal? How the hell can things be normal again?” I crossed my arms again. “You all can’t just wish things better. Jesus Christ, if you could… I’d be a hell of a lot better than I am.”

Dawn bit her lip to keep from crying. I felt guilty but…

“Look,” I started, obviously on some sort of roll. “I don’t really know what I want. I want to be less sad. Less drunk, obviously. Less dumb. But I’m not delusional. I know that happy is something that is way too far out of my grasp at the present moment. I’m just trying to be realistic here… she can’t wish for normal. That’s insane.”

Ken was getting angry. She crossed her own arms and stared me down. “How do you know what’s going to happen?” She turned to Greg. “She always does this. Say something she doesn’t want to hear and she starts in on her lecture of self-righteousness. Only Faith Lehane knows how it’s going to play out. Because no one is as smart as Faith. So she walks around spouting her ‘glass half-empty’ philosophy and she expects us to just agree with her. It’s fucking ridiculous.”

“I fucking kept you all grounded.” I stop speaking and collected myself. “You needed someone to keep you in check.”

“Faith...” Dawn started.

Fuck that. I shrugged again. “It’s true. Buffy’s dreams control everyone around her. We are just caught in her ride.”

Greg was watching the exchange. Before Ken could respond, he held up his hand and looked at me. “So why do you love her?”

It stopped me in my tracks.

“What?” I asked.

“You’re complete opposites. Why do you love her?”

I deflated and closed my eyes.

* * *

_I felt like a truck had landed on my chest. Or driven out of my chest. I could not move without wincing. I wondered if I was dying? I was going to welcome it. Anything to escape this. Even the sheets hurt._

_“Faith,” Buffy called me from the bedroom door. “We have to go in an hour. Everyone is up and ready and you’re still asleep. Get up,” she whined._

_A few weeks ago, Angel had booked us a trip to some sweet ass island in the South Pacific. All I’d heard about for the past two weeks was sun and tan and ocean and not a rocky shore in sight._

_And I was sick. I knew I was sick. Based on the fact that I couldn’t move without wanting to scream and that my clothes hurt, I figured it was the flu. I wondered if the gods really were just sitting on some magic thrones in the sky laughing their holy asses off at me. Slayers did not fucking get sick. And yet here the fuck I was. Sick._

_There was absolutely no way I couldn’t go. None. I would not ruin this for her. She was like a little kid about to meet a Disney princess or something. I didn’t have a metaphor adequate enough to describe it honestly, because it hurt my brain to think._

_I slowly slid the sheet off my body and was proud of the fact I didn’t wince. “I’m sorry. I guess I didn’t realize the time,” I grunted._

_“It’s okay, silly,” she trilled. “I’m just so excited!” She bounced over to the bed and plopped down. “I can teach you to surf. I promise you’ll like it.”_

_And holy shit… I had to hold my breath. Honestly, I felt like I was going to cry. I actually had to consciously tell myself to sit up. I did it slowly but tried to look normal to keep her from noticing. She was so caught up in her excitement, she missed it._

_“Just let me take a shower,” I muttered, throwing my legs off the bed. When the air hit my body I almost shivered. I was freezing._

_“Okay! But you’ve got to hurry. We miss the plane and then you’ll have to transport and you know how that makes you all grumpy,” she mused. She was bouncing, which was a good reason for me to stand up._

_“I know,” I muttered, aiming my body towards the bathroom._

_As soon as I put one foot in front of the other like I had been doing for the vast majority of my life, mind you, it was like I completely forgot how to walk. My legs just stopped working. They turned to jelly and I started falling. It was really not that slow, but it felt like I was never going to hit the ground…_

_…And I didn’t. She caught me around my waist._

_“Oh my god!” She squealed. “What’s wrong, baby?”_

_I tried to pull away from her, but I needed her to hold me up. I felt so damn selfish. “Just a little lightheaded,” I tried. “I’m good.”_

_She gasped. “You’re burning up.” She laid the back of her hand against my head. “Oh my god.” She led me back to the bed._

_I didn’t have the energy to argue with her. “Maybe if I just lay back down for a few minutes,” I muttered. Maybe if someone hit me in the head with a large mallet…_

_“Stay here,” she said, rushing off._

_I didn’t say anything because it hurt to talk but I was definitely thinking about how I couldn’t fucking move, so there was really no problem there._

_She ran back in moments later with a thermometer, placing it under my tongue. She hummed while she waited for it to beep. “One hundred and two.” She studied my face. “Symptoms?”_

_“Fever?” I croaked out._

_She gave me the exasperated look. “And?”_

_“Sore throat. Headache. General feeling of being beaten by a sledgehammer.” I mumbled. “Death wish.”_

_“You have the flu, Faith!” She squealed. “I knew you didn’t get your shot! Wills said even slayers needed that stupid shot. Something about a particular strain and you know I stop listening and just nod and…”_

_Holy shit, make her shut up. “I was going to,” I murmured._

_She rolled her eyes. “You’re infuriating. The flu is awful. Or so I’ve heard,” she mused. “I wouldn’t really know. But…” She sat down more gingerly on the bed this time. “Go back to sleep. I’m sorry you’re sick.”_

_I nodded. “I’m sorry I can’t go with you,” I said, closing my eyes. “I love to see you happy.”_

_“Mmm-hmm,” she muttered, ignoring me._

_I wasn’t sure what she said after that because I fell asleep._

_When I woke, it was after two. I briefly wondered about how much fun Buffy was having right now, and then I tried to roll over and realized I didn’t care. I just wanted something to make me stop hurting and to go back to sleep._

_“We can be there in a few hours,” I heard. “I just don’t want to get her out if I don’t have to. I mean we have a doctor on call but… She’s been moaning in her sleep. Isn’t there something you can call in?”_

_I opened one eye. It was definitely B's voice. “Buffy,” I screeched harshly. “Why are you here?!”_

_She raised her hand at me, dismissing my question. “I do realize you would have to diagnose her, but I don’t think you realize that any person with two eyes and ears could see that she has the flu. If you could just call and have the medicine prescribed, the pharmacy can deliver it.”_

_She’d missed the plane. The vacation. All she wanted was to ‘be in the sun for a few days and god, Faith, was that asking for too much?’ I felt like I was going to vomit. “Buffy, please tell me you didn’t…”_

_She waved me off again. She put her hand on her hip. I didn’t know who she was talking to but I felt really sorry for them all of a sudden. “Absolutely not,” she reprimanded. “I am quite capable of getting her in the car. I realize you know who I am… Short? Are you serious right now? I could pick her up easily…” I couldn’t believe whoever she was talking to had the gall to call her short. They were in for it now. “I’m worried about her. Not my ability to transport her. I’m not a moron. She has the flu. There is medicine for that. The pharmacy can deliver it. So if you could call that in for me… then we could avoid having this exact same conversation in person.”_

_B – one. Poor doctor on the phone – zero._

_“Right,” she said, satisfied with herself. “I’ll call them and let them know where to deliver it. Thank you so much, Doctor Knight. I appreciate it.” She said in her sugary sweet voice, hanging up._

_“B...”_

_She spun around. “Can you believe the nerve of that man? I’m not a friggin idiot. You obviously have the flu. It’s not like I was asking him to call in a prescription for morphine for the love of god.”_

_“Buffy....”_

_“It’s Tamiflu. And another thing… who in their right mind would call for a prescription for a drug they didn’t need if they couldn’t get high. He acted like I was going to sell it on the street or something.”  
_

_“B!”_

_“What?!” She asked. “Oh god. Are you okay? Do you need something? Fluids? A bath? New clothes? You were sweating in those earlier. Want me to turn the TV on?”_

_“Buffy Summers!” I yelled. When I was certain she wasn’t going to speak, I continued. “Why are you here?”_

_“Huh?” She asked. She looked confused._

_“Fiji?” I prompted. “The sun? “One of ‘the reasons I exist, Faith Lehane.’ That Fiji?”_

_“What about it?”_

_She was fucking infuriating._

_“Uh just that you were supposed to be on a goddamn plane…”_

_She waved her hand dismissively. “Oh, Dawn will get plenty of pictures. Don’t worry.”_

_“Buffy…” I started._

_“What?” She looked confused._

_“You cannot be kidding me. You’ve talked about this all week. All week. ‘Fiji this and stupid beach huts that. Do you like my bathing suit? Do you think we’ll see sharks? I can’t wait to see if there are actually cabana boys. There’s cabana boys, right Faith??’” I tried to mimic with my sore throat._

_She put both her hands on her hips. “Okay, well first of all I don’t sound like that. That’s insulting. You made me sound nasally…”_

_I threw my head back on the pillow. And holy shit that hurt. “Buffy… seriously…”_

_“What?” She asked, hands still on her hips._

_“Why are you here?!”_

_“Are you deficient? Where else would I be?” She asked, genuinely concerned for my wellbeing at this point._

_“On the fucking beach,” I said._

_“You’re sick,” she offered, matter-of-factly as if that answered everything._

_“So…”_

_“So,” she said, crossing her arms and narrowing her eyes. “So, I love you. And you’re sick. I wouldn’t leave you even if someone promised me I’d be catered on hand and foot the rest of my life. Even if they promised that in the sun.”_

_I quirked my eyebrow._

_“Well, okay… I might be a little miffed about that one.” She sat down on the bed gently. “Faith, I love you. More than anyone else in the world. If you’re sick, I am going to take care of you.”_

_“Yeah, but you wanted…”_

_She shook her head. “Baby, I wanted to be here.” She put her hand on my forehead again. “I’m going to call the pharmacy and have them deliver your medication. And then I’m going to get you some juice. And then I’m going to sit here and pet your head until you go to sleep.” She smiled sweetly at me. She bent over and kissed my cheek. “I don’t like when you’re sick. So get better. It sucks when I don’t get my way.”_

_“I love you,” I muttered, closing my eyes as she ran her fingers through my hair. “So, so much.”_

_“Ditto,” she said softly._

* * *

“Why do you love her?” Greg had asked me.

 Why indeed. I felt my walls crumble again. I kept building them up… we kept breaking them down.

“I love her because she’s…” I shook my head and looked at her instead. “I love her because she’s Buffy. I want to be there. Wherever she is. That’s what I want and where I want to be. I want to make things normal again.”

Greg smiled softly. “You’re almost ready to go, Faith. You’ve accomplished what you set out to do here – you’ve stopped drinking. That’s not to say that you don’t need more healing… But I can suggest a great therapist in Scotland if that’s where you plan to go?”

I nodded.

Red clapped her hands.

I nodded back to her. “I’m not sure how to deal with the Buffy. And the others…”

Greg interrupted there. “Cross that bridge when we come to it. Baby steps. I’m not suggesting you jump into anything.”

“We’ll help,” Ken offered. “We just want her to be better.”

“We do,” Dawn agreed. “Buffy will see that.”

I shrugged. I wasn’t sure she was right about that.

Greg looked at me. “Can you stay in the house with them? Can you try? Even if she’s not…”

I nodded before he finished. “I think so…”

“You have to know so. ”I thought about that for a moment. Could I? I wanted to. Try, try, try. “Yes. Yes I want to. I can.”

“Okay. We have to process everything. Work out your sessions, etc. in Scotland. They have to go back tomorrow, and… well, you still have work to do here. But a few more weeks and then…”

They nodded agreeing.

I wanted to squeal. I didn’t realize until that very moment how much I wanted to be out of there. I nodded instead. “Cool,” I offered.

“Indeed,” he answered.

The three of them were smiling at me. It was the first ordinary feeling in a while. Maybe in forever.

Sometimes I thought normal wasn’t attainable. And sometimes I thought it was.

I sure the hell hoped so at least.

* * *

_“I’m sorry, but can you repeat that? I’m almost certain I didn’t hear you correctly.”_

_“Giles,” Dawn warned._

_“No, no.” He crossed his arms and turned to Buffy. “What did you say?”_

_This was a bad fucking idea. Like seriously bad. On the scale of bad ideas we’d had, together and apart, telling the rest of them after we’d just started dating that we were a couple was like large-scale bad._

_“I’m reasonably certain you heard me, Giles,” Buffy challenged._

_Red was wringing her hands. Xander’s one eye was focused just about anywhere but on the two of us. Ken was shaking her head. And Angel was rubbing his temple. Only Dawn seemed to be unsurprised._

_“And I’m rather certain you said you and Faith here are a couple.” He challenged back._

_Buffy crossed her arms defiantly. “I find it rather ironic that you have a problem with me being in same-sex relationship seeing as I’ve dated a vampire.” She waved at Angel. “And disappointing,” she added._

_“Well then you’re misunderstanding me. Because I’m not disappointed that you are in a relationship with another woman.” He turned to me. “Need I remind you that you’ve almost killed each other several times.”_

_“He has a point,” Xander offered._

_“Hush,” Dawn said._

_I was looking for somewhere to hide or for a time machine so I could go back in time and smack Buffy in the back of her head when she suggested this little reveal._

_“I can’t be the only one a bit disturbed by this news,” Giles said._

_“Disturbed,” Willow offered, hand raised._

_The rest of them followed suit._

_Fucking lovely._

_Fuck it. “Yes,” I spoke for the first time. “By all means let’s everyone chime the fuck on in when it comes to our decisions.”_

_“The decision that affects all of us,” Angel said. “If you haven’t forgotten, we often end up cleaning up your messes.”_

_“I’m not sure why you thought this was up for a vote.” I crossed my arms and held his stare. “But far be it from me to stop your peanut gallerying. Please continue.”_

_“I’m just wondering what exactly you'll gain from this?” Xander asked, literally eyeing me._

_“Xander!” Buffy screamed. “You don’t get…”_

_“No Buff!” He yelled back. “You don’t understand!”  
_

_“Xander please…” Dawn said. “You’re being an ass.”_

_“How can you be okay with this? You know that she…” He asked Dawn._

_“He’s speaking the truth,” Red interrupted._

_“Will you shouldn’t…” Dawn started._

_“Why can’t you just listen to me?” Buffy’s voice rose. I noticed the hysteric. “You’re embarrassing me. Not to mention yourself and…”_

_“Embarrassing you?!” Giles countered. “Well excuse us for being worried…”_

_Everyone was talking over each other and yelling and I could feel the familiar push to run the hell out of there._

_I missed the person who cleared their throat the first time._

_Hey,” Ken said. “Hey." she said again more forcefully._

_Everyone stopped talking and turned to her._

_“If I may?” She asked, rolling her eyes. “Thank you,” she said. She was the only one not standing. She actually stared at us until we all sat down. She nodded when everyone did. “I get I’m new to the group…”_

_“Understatement,” Xander muttered._

_“But that gives me a bit of fucking insight, huh?”_

_No one said anything._

_“If you morons haven’t fucking noticed this shit’s been going on for a while now.”_

_“Ken…” I warned. “Don’t…”_

_“Oh, I think I will. So jus shut up. I realize you lack that trait normally but…” She shook her head, directing her attention back to Giles. “If you all want to sit here and argue anyone’s right to be happy, you’re a hell of a lot more petty than I gave you credit for.”_

_“Ken, just stop.”_

_“Shut the fuck up, Faith.” she said, not even bothering to look at me. “Three weeks ago, the two of them had a fight, remember?”_

_“Shut up, Ken.”_

_She ignored me. Buffy went back to L.A, with Angel. I found Faith here lying on the couch, still in her pajamas. After lunch…” She shuddered, as if I’d committed some heinous crime instead of not showering that morning._

_I closed my eyes._

_“When I asked her what was wrong… she started fucking crying…”_

_“Ken I am honestly begging here…”_

_“Faith, let her speak,” B interrupted._

_“Thanks,” Ken smiled. “She asked me how it was possible to love someone so much that it physically hurt.” She frowned again. “I told her I had no idea and then called her pussy. After she slugged me she said, “I just want her to come home.” She grimaced. “I may not have known Faith as long as the rest of you, but I’d like someone to argue with me that I don’t know her better. She’d never spoken about anyone like that before.” She frowned at me. “And before I could tell her I was happy for her…” she paused and eyed the rest of them one at a time. “…she said, ‘do you think I’ll always be in love with someone I don’t deserve?”_

_I gulped and looked away. What the fuck was wrong with her?_

_“Your faces pretty much mirror what I was feeling. I mean I don’t know about you, but Faith and I don’t discuss that shit.” She smiled at B then. “But if I could overlook the pansy-assness and see she was serious, you assholes can do it too.”_

_I was stunned. Honestly. I almost asked if it was possible that someone had kidnapped her and replaced her with a pod person. Or if she had a brain tumor._

_“So,” she finally said, clearing her throat to get our attention. “Maybe you all can stop judging and shut the fuck up.”_

_She stood up abruptly and turned to Buffy. “Be happy. You don’t need anyone’s approval. You’ve both earned it.”_

_I shook myself out of my stupor._

_Buffy just nodded at her._

* * *

I stayed in therapy one more month. I worked my ass off. Worked out. Worked on myself. I read. Emoted. All that shit Greg thought I should do. We’d agreed that I needed to spend it in self-reflection and so I hadn’t seen the others since the day of my big “breakthrough,” as he called it, a month ago.

Kennedy met me at the clinic. “You know, I didn’t want to say anything in therapy but you looking fucking great. Even better than when we left.” she said. “I mean four weeks and not a fucking phone call. Nothing. Just… Ugh. But damn therapy agreed with you.”

I smiled. “I feel good.”

I’d already said goodbye to the nurses and doctors. I kept telling myself ‘One day at a time.’ My new cheesy ass life motto.

“I wouldn’t let the others come get you.” She said, grabbing my bag. “Dawn was so pissed.”

I smiled again. “That’s sweet… I guess.” It was freaking weird having champions no matter how long I’d had to get used to it.

She stopped walking. “I’m serious, Faith. You look like… you look amazing. Like fucking great. Like… Jesus. I can’t believe a month can do that. What kind of fucking genes do you have?”

I shrugged. “Who knows?”

“Did they hit on you in there?” She asked in a sneaky voice. “People lust after you and shit?”

I shook my head. “No. Dumbass. We were all addicts. Kind of more concerned with getting well. Not getting head. In case you didn’t notice.”

She opened the car door. “The plane’s waiting for us.”

I stopped before getting in. “Where are we going?”

She looked over the top of the car at me. “Back to Scotland.”

I shook my head. “You didn’t tell me that.”

She sighed. “Didn’t we work this shit out earlier?”

“Is B there?”

She got in. I followed suit. “What do you think?”

“Is Satsu?”

She started the car and drove off. “Buffy was super pissed at us. I’ve never seen her so mad. She crossed those tiny fucking arms like no one’s business.”

“Is Satsu there?” I asked again.

She pulled the car over on the shoulder and turned to look at me. “Do you love Buffy?”

“What the fuck do you think?”

“Good to see the past month didn’t spoil that stellar attitude you got…”

“Of course I love her,” I muttered.

“Then you can fight for her. Or you can be a pansy ass. You’re call…” She said, pulling off.

I moaned and closed my eyes.

We didn’t talk much about B or anything heavy for that matter on the plane. We just chatted. She told me about going back to Scotland and how fucking cold it was. We played x-box for a while. Slept. I noticed that they’d cleared all the alcohol off the plane before we took off. Smart to be prepared I guess.

When we got to the airport and got in her car, I started to have a freak out.

“I don’t know if I can do this…” I said.

“You can do it.” She pulled out of the parking lot. “You have to. If not for you, if not for Buffy, then do it for me…”

“You?”

“Okay, so you’re my best friend,” she said. “God that feels good to say. Finally get out, you know?” Smartass. “It’s like, ‘’Hello my name is Kennedy, and I’m best friends with a freak.’ It’s cathartic. Anyway… you’re my friend. And I can’t be in that fucking castle without you. Everybody’s so whiney, Faith. No one wants to play games with me.” She turned the radio on. “And I fucking hate Satsu,” she muttered.

 “Really? I know she annoyed you…”

“Ugh,” she said. “She’s stupid. And boring. And… just ugh.”

God I loved this chick. “Good to know.”

She nodded. “So when we get back… play it cool. Everyone knows you’re coming and can’t wait to see you. But Buffy’s wary. You letting us in, and then not seeing anyone the pat month, coupled with the fact you took off without telling her… be prepared, is all I’m saying.” She smiled at me. “But the hot thing… you got that shit. She’s not gonna believe her eyes. Nice choice on clothes by the way. Bold move.”

“You brought me this shit…”

“Hey, I’m just trying to help a sista out.”

I rolled my eyes. “Thanks.”

To be honest, I’d spent a lot of the time with B before I left in either sweats or a bathing suit. It felt good to be in jeans and boots. The top was simple, just a white t-shirt. But it felt like heaven, so it was probably French cotton or some shit. The belt though… holy shit. She knew me that was for sure. Silver studded… She was right. I did look hot.

“I got you a new leather jacket too,” she said, grabbing it out of the backseat. “Thought you might like it. Don’t need it though. It’s not cold and well…” she whistled.

“I’m starting to think you wanna do me.”

She hit the staring wheel. “God damn it, Faith! Thanks for making me vomit in my mouth a little.” She moaned and shook her head. “Jesus H Christ,” she muttered.

* * *

We made it to the castle too quickly.

I took a deep breath. “One day at a time,” I muttered to myself.

She nodded, opening the door. “Get through a minute. Then ten. An hour. Then we’ll get through the day. Everyone’s rooting for you. You can’t doubt that now.”

I didn’t.

She shrugged. “Well you know, except for that whore one. But fuck her.”

I smiled.

Red and Dawn came running outside.

“Faith!” Red squealed, pulling me into a hug. She pulled back. “Holy moly! You look…” Ken shot her a dirty look. “Uh… nice,” she finally said. “How’d you manage that in a month?” She looked at Ken. “Was there magic there?”

Dawn’s eyes were wide. “Damn. I should’ve stayed with you. What they’d give you after we left? The key to eternal hotness?”

“What the hell?” I asked, hugging her. “Did I look that fucking bad?”

She shook her head. “Nah. You’ve always looked good. It’s just now you… uh…”

Xander walked out. “Whoa!” He said, stopping mid-stride. “I thought you were picking up Faith?” He asked Ken.

“You people are really starting to give me a complex,” I said.

He hugged me too. “Like wow…” he whispered. “Where did you go? Can we go? I wanna look that hot.”

Dawn smirked. “I want you to look that hot.”

He nodded. And then frowned. “Hey!”

I looked around. It was nice they’d all come outside. But no B.

“So,” Red started. “How was it after we left?” She smacked herself on the forehead. “Oh goddess… I shouldn’t have asked that. How dumb is that? How was the rest of your rehab? I bet it was awesome. I can’t believe my mouth.” She turned to me. “Ignore me.”

I shook my head. “It’s okay. It was sucky. At first. I was kind of used to you being there, Red. But then it got better.”

“No urge to drink?” Xander asked.

“Dumbass,” Ken muttered, slapping him.

“No. It’s cool.” I turned to him and smiled. “Still there. Just dull. Don’t wanna every feel that shitty again.”

“Well sobriety suits you,” he wiggled his eyebrows.

Dawn smacked him.

Ken picked up my bag. “Ready?” She whispered.

I took a deep breath. I was about to say no, when the door opened.

She stood in the doorframe, the light shining behind her. She had on a tiny little pair of shorts and a t-shirt that said ‘Virginia is for Lovers.’ I think it was mine. Her hair was pulled up and piled on top of her head and she had a pair of reading glasses on. She slid them up when she saw me.

She was the most goddamn gorgeous creature on the planet.

My knees threatened to go weak.

Everyone rushed past me and ran inside. I stayed where I was.

Ken turned around and gave me a thumbs up when she passed her. Xander did too.

She didn’t move from the doorframe and didn’t acknowledge they’d even gone inside. She just stood there. She wasn’t smiling. She wasn’t moving really.

I stayed where I was. I ran my hand through my hair. “Hey,” I finally said.

“Hey,” she whispered back.

 “So, how does this work?” I put my hands in my back pockets. “Want me to cut out?”

She leaned her shoulder against the doorway. “You wanna leave?”

I ran my hands through my hair again. “Don’t wanna particularly stand here all night.”

She stood where she was for a few more seconds before finally moving aside.

I walked in.

She waited until I was in the foyer to shut the door. The absence of any voices in the castle was weird. I mean, I hadn’t been there in a while but it was still odd. Just me and her standing down there. I fought the urge to look around and/or ask about Satsu.

I stared at her back until she turned around. Why was she flitting around this castle in those shorts? They were like fucking toddler sized. I shook my head. No need to go there.

Her face showed no emotion. “You look good,” she said.

“So do you.” I told her.

“I was reading,” she shrugged. “No one told me you were coming tonight. I thought it was tomorrow.”

“When’d you get reading glasses?”

She cocked her head at me.

“Never mind.” I shook my head. I kept wringing my hands. I didn’t fucking know what to do with them. “How we gonna do this?”

“Do what?” She wasn’t making this goddamn easy.

I gestured between us. “This,” I said. I finally allowed myself to look around. “Your girl around?”

“Girl?” She asked.

“Don’t get cute, B.” I tried to smile.

She looked upstairs. “Up there. Pouting.”

I nodded. “Not too keen on me being here, I guess.”

She nodded back. “Not too much.”

I moved a bit closer to her. Not a lot. Just a few feet. She didn’t back away.

“She got a reason to worry?” I asked her.

She shrugged. “Don’t know,” she said. She was watching me. “Maybe.” She said. “Maybe not.”

I stepped even closer to her. “I’ve missed you.”

I waited for her to back up. She still didn’t. I keep forgetting she wasn’t scared of me. “Didn’t return my phone calls. Let everyone visit but me. Your behavior seems to suggest otherwise.”

I stopped walking. “I was trying to get better.” I took a deep breath.

“Did it work?”

“Yeah,” I finally said. “It did.”

“Good,” she said.

I moved closer to her. We were standing about three feet apart. “Tell me to leave,” I whispered.

She shook her head. “No,” she said defiantly.

She moved then. And closed the space between us. She ran her fingertip across my lip. I fought the urge to suck it in my mouth. I closed my eyes. Sure she was going to kiss me. Instead I felt her back away.

She moved past me, smiling. She turned around on the staircase. “Your room’s the third one on the left.” She said. She started to walk up and then turned around again. She put the leg of her glasses in her mouth and sucked on them. “Nice jeans,” she smiled in that fucking sexy way she has, before going upstairs.

I watched her go.

Goddamn it. This was going to be fucking hard.

But not impossible.

And fuck it – wasn’t like I wasn’t up to the challenge.

“Hey blondie,” I called, when she made it to the top of the stairs. She turned around and smirked at me. “Nice shirt.”

She smiled and winked at me. “Used to belong to this girl I know. She left it on my bed one night.” She turned around and walked off. “I like to sleep in it,” she called over her shoulder. “Reminds me of her taking it off.”

I watched her walk out of my sight and suppressed the urge to groan. When she was gone, I made my way upstairs and to my room.

I slept well that night. I tried not to think about B and the other one. If they were together. That shit was gonna lead me back down a path I sure the fuck didn’t want to go. I’d chosen to come back here. And I was gonna fight for her. And if I lost… well, if I lost, I’d leave. But I wasn’t going without a fight. 

* * *

I got up and brushed my teeth and was about to take a shower when K bust in.

“Meeting,” she said.

“Huh?”

“You live here, you work here,” she shrugged.

“Whose rule is that?”

“Don’t know. My girlfriend’s? Yours? Anyway, Will sent me up here to get you.” She smiled at me. “You still look fucking hot,” she said.

“Thanks for the clothes.” I had a black tank top on and another pair of jeans. Simple, but top quality.

“Come on,” she said.

I followed her out.

Everyone was in the library when we got down there. Except B and Satsu.

“Faith,” Xander said, when I walked in. “We’re having a meeting.” He groaned. Dude hated meetings.

“I gathered,” I said. I sat down. I wanted to know where they were but I didn’t want to ask. “What’s it about?” I turned to Red.

“We’ve got a group of vamps,” she said. “Trying to open a portal.”

Ken whined. “Aren’t they always?”

Red frowned at her. “Yes. But these guys are different. Older. They put three of our girls in the infirmary a few nights ago. There’s a ritual they have to do. I think it involves a baby or… a puppy. The research is sketchy.”

“Whoa,” Dawn said, leaning on the table. “That’s kind of a big difference.”

Ken nodded. “When is this supposed to take place?”

Red looked at her notes. “Three nights from now.”

“Any babies missing? Puppies?” I asked.

Red shrugged. “That’s actually a good question.” She looked at D. “Can you look into that?”

Dawn nodded and got up. “Got it,” she smiled at me.

“So what do you want us to do?” I asked her.

“We need to do a bit of recon. Find out where they’re meeting. How many there are.” She frowned. “They’re strong… The girls that went out the other night said they scared them…”

“How about K and I go check it out?”

Red looked thoughtful. “Sounds good. Why don’t you take Buffy?”

Ken growled. “Eww… you know Sats will wanna go. No,” she whined.

“I’m gonna have to say I’m with her on that one.”

Red nodded. “Okay meet me back here around three. May be good to go in daylight.”

I noticed the book Red had opened. “Is that the order?”

She nodded.

“I know them,” I told her. “Ran into a few of them a few of years ago.”

“Really!” She exclaimed. “Can you remember anything?”

Buffy walked in then. “Meeting!” She exclaimed. She was still in her tighty-tight shorts. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

“Called through you door,” Ken muttered, not looking up. “You didn’t answer.”

Buffy put her hand on her hips, pout firmly in place. “You could’ve walked in.”  
“Uh no thanks,” Ken didn’t bite.

“So Faith recognizes the Order Of Naer. She’s fought them before. I think we may be onto something.”

B clapped her hands sitting down across from me. “Research.” She smiled at me. “I love to research.”

We all looked at her like she’d grown two heads.

“You don’t research,” Xander started.

“He’s right, B. We got this.”

Her face fell. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” I told her and turned to Red. “Want me to hang back?”

“Sure,” she answered. “The rest of you can go though.”

I opened the book I had in front of me and tried to hide my smirk.

Buffy crossed her arms and waited. When no one took the bait, she followed Xander and Dawn out.

Ken hung back. “Hard to get,” she nodded. “That may be smart. Buffy loves a challenge.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

She scoffed. “Right.”

“No seriously. I recognize the order.” I pushed the book over to Red. “I remember the Order.” I sighed. “And it’s a baby. Not a puppy.”

“Oh goddess,” she moaned, sitting down. “How do you know that?”

“Told you I ran across them a few years ago. Tried the same thing. Pretty fucking incompetent really. I was with Angel. In LA.”

“I don’t think these guys are incompetent. The girls seemed scared. Maybe it’s a different sect?” She said.

I shrugged. “Maybe. Dumbasses in Cali tried to kidnap a baby from the hospital. Those places are locked tight. We just stood there picking them off. Like being at the shooting range.” I turned to her. “You know where their lair is?”

“Just the vicinity.”

“See if you can get a location. Something specific. Me and Ken can go.”

She shook her head. “But Buffy will want to go.”

I nodded. “Look. I’m gonna be honest. I’m trying to be good here. But I ain’t a fucking saint. Don’t wanna spend the day on a mission with Satsu… especially when she’s touching B. You trying to kill me?”

She smiled. “Buffy tried to stay in here. You wouldn’t let her.”

Ken smiled too. “I think it’s smart. Like I said. Playing hard to get. You don’t have to always be the one doing the chasing.”

Red nodded. “Plus… you know… with the extra hotness and all… you could kind of sit back and just let it happen. Cause there is no way Buff doesn’t notice. She was staring at you.”

Ken laughed. “She was staring at your rack.”

I shrugged. “Didn’t notice.”

She rolled her eyes. “Play it cool, sista. I’m on your side. It’s aight.”

Red took a deep breath. “You’re not black.” She shook her head at me. “I keep having to tell her that.”

“I’m Latino!” She screamed. “That’s still ghetto.”

Red rolled her eyes.

I raised my eyebrow at her. “Did you grow up in a house with more than three bedrooms?” She nodded. “Private school?” Another nod. “Nanny?” She nodded again. “Yeah. You ain’t ghetto.”

“Haters,” she mumbled, walking out.

We watched her go.

Red turned to me. “It’s not what you think.”

“Shit. That girl was born with a silver spoon.” I rolled my eyes.

She smiled. “Not her, dorko. Buffy. And Satsu.”

“Wasn’t thinking anything,” I muttered.

She let it go. “Everything go okay last night?”

I cocked my eyebrow. “Worried?”

She shrugged.

I sighed. “It’s hard being back here, but…”

She nodded back.

“The accident,” I whispered.

She frowned. “I’m sorry.”

I shook my head. “It sucks, but… it’s probably for the best. I needed to face it and shit.”

She put her hand on my shoulder. “The things we do, the things we see… it never gets easier. I mean our job is to save people. Your job” She frowned. “Just remember it wasn’t your fault. Keep telling yourself that. It was just a senseless accident.” She looked down. “I know it’s not the same, but… with Tara, I… it was just bad timing. That’s it… you know?”

“Somebody caused it.” I looked at her. “Both of them…”

She nodded at me. “Yeah. But they’re both dead, aren’t they?”

“I guess so. But so are the people we love.”

“Yeah. But you keep going. And you’re healing. It won’t go away, but… you carry your grief differently. Sometimes it sucks. But most days… after a while… you can live with it.”

“Thanks, Red.” I said, standing up. “For everything. For being B’s friend. For not killing me that night.”

She shook her head. “I didn’t want to kill you, Faith. I just wanted to protect Buffy.”

“I know,” I smiled. “You did.”

She nodded towards the doorway. “You have a chance, Faith. She loves you. She may be stubborn but she loves you.”

“I love her too.”

She smiled. “That’s why you have to fight for her.”

I nodded. “I’ve got this,” I said, winking at her.

“Of course you do,” she giggled, winking back. “Let me find the whereabouts of the nasty baby sacrificing vamps so you and Ken can go do your thing, and you can get back here and get the girl.”

“Thanks,” I told her. “Think I may go change and go for a run.”

“Don’t tell Ken, but…” she smiled, as I was walking out. “You don’t just look nice…”

I winked again. “One thing I do know, Red.”

She laughed as I walked out.

* * *

It felt good to run. I’d worked out at the center, but… I hadn’t gotten to run or anything. I avoided one place on the property. I just wasn’t there yet. Wasn’t sure I’d ever be… but I was trying. Had to count for something. And running kept my mind off B. And everything that came with her. When I got back to the castle an hour later, I felt better.

I jumped in the shower, intent on getting a quick one in before we had to go find these nasty demons. When I came out…

…Buffy was sitting on my bed. I stopped.

She smiled at me. “Hey,” she said shyly.

“Hey.”

She still had the clothes on from the night before.

“Gonna take a shower today?” I asked her.

She shrugged. “Go for a run?”

I nodded.

“Was it good?”

“Pretty good.” I told her. I moved to my bag and pulled out some clothes Ken bought me. I nodded towards the bathroom. “Mind if I get dressed?”

She shook her head. “Go ahead.”

I shut the bathroom door and sighed. I slipped on a pair of jeans and another black tank top. I came back out drying my hair.

She was sitting propped against the headboard. “Sleep well last night?”

“Great actually.”

“Rehab suited you,” she finally said.

I shrugged. “That’s what everyone keeps telling me.” I grabbed my socks and boots and started putting them on. “They had a gym.”

“You didn’t ask me if I slept well,” she said.

“Did you?”

“Not really,” she answered.

“Why’s that?” I asked. I sat down on the edge of the bed and tied my shoes.

“Thinking, I guess.”

“'bout what?” I finished and turned to look at her.

She shrugged.

“Your girl still sleeping?”

She shrugged again. “I don’t know.”

“How’s that?”

“She’s in her bedroom. Go check if you want.”

Interesting. “So she doesn’t sleep with you.”

She shook her head. “No.” She leaned over and brushed my hair off my shoulder. “You’re shirt’s wet.”

“Guess I didn’t dry off enough.”

“Are you cold?” She asked. She kept her hand on my shoulder.

“Feeling a little warmer now,” I told her.

She smiled slightly. “I missed you too. In case you were wondering.”

I put my hand over hers. “I was…”

She took a very deep breath and looked down. “Dawn told me about what you said. Before you left.”

I nodded. “Told her to.”

“Did you mean it?”

“Of course.”

“Still do?”

I tilted her chin up so could look at me. “You really gotta ask me that?”

She looked at me expectedly.

“Yes,” I finally said. “Every word of it.”

She moved her hand and placed it under my shirt. On my stomach. “I’m glad,” she whispered, before pulling away.

I grabbed her hand when she stood up. “Buffy?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m not going without a fight.”

She quirked her eyebrow at me.

“I mean it. I don’t want her here. I don’t want her touching you. I don’t want her near you. I love you. More than she does. More than anyone ever has. And your mine.” She closed her eyes. I pulled her down in my lap. “I’ve never had that. Never wanted it. So she can move on. She can do it quietly. Or well... we can go the other route. Her call really. But make sure she knows.”

She nodded.

“Way I see it, you don’t want that happen. You’ve got one chance – I’m giving it to you now. Tell me to go and I’ll go.” I waited.

She turned and looked me in the eyes. “You know I won’t say that.”

I nodded. “I know.” I put my hand on her thigh. “So tell her to go.”

She nodded again. “Can it wait?”

I leaned back. “Wait for what?”

“For about twenty, thirty minutes.”

“Why?” I asked.

She put her arms around my neck and kissed me. “For this,” she pulled back. She pushed me back against the bed.

“This wise?” I asked, as she straddled me.

“Probably not,” she answered, pulling her shirt over her head.

“Just checking,” I mumbled. I grabbed her hips and ground her against me.

She threw her head back and moaned, rocking against me. I ripped off her shorts.

She groaned. I watched her bounce up and down on my jeans. Ever time our bodies connected, she’d make a little “uh” sound that was halfway between a grunt and a breath. I had to fight to keep my eyes open so I could watch her. I hadn’t even taken off my fucking boots and she was naked. She was ruining these goddamn expensive jeans K bought. Wish I gave one tiny fuck.

“You are so beautiful,” I whispered. I clutched her hips tighter.

She fell forward some and put her hands on my breast. She was still bouncing on me. “I think… I can… uh… I think I can… come…” she couldn’t breathe, “from this…”

Did I mention how much I loved when she tried to talk? In case I didn't... I do.

I thrust up against her and she squealed. She moved her hands to my shoulder. I could see how wet she was.

I thrust again. I used my hands to guide her up and down. I watched her face wrinkle in concentration. “I want to…” She couldn’t catch her breath. To be honest, neither could I.

“You wanna what?”

She ground down as hard as she could before falling all the way on top of me and wrapping her arms around my neck. She crushed her lips against mine. I grabbed her and pulled her tighter.

“I want to… uh… I want….” She was groaning every time I pulled her against me.

I thrust up again “Tell me.”

She pressed hard against my body. I could feel how hot she was. I ran my hands up and down her back before wrapping my arms completely around her. I pulled her closer to me.

“Tell me,” I said again.

She buried her head in my neck. “I want… uh” I thrust. “…to do this…” she was breathing harder now. I pushed again. “Oh…” She breathed out. “Forever… just” I pushed harder. “Uh uh… with… just with… you.” She groaned and circled her hips.

“God, I want you to come all over me.” I whispered in her hair.

“Oh!” She squealed in my ear. She started panting. “Please, baby…uh….”

 I never got tired of that sound. “That’s it baby. Come for me.”

She pushed down one last time and sort of moaned out, “Uhh…” her whole body shuddered. She couldn’t get closer to me if she tried. “Fuck,” she whispered as she came.

When she stopped shaking, I kissed the side of her head. “Dirty mouth,”

She raised her head slowly, breathing heavily. “Can we please do that again?”

I smirked at her.

“Without your clothes on?”

I flipped her over and rose up and pulled my shirt off. She fumbled with my jeans and I pushed her hand away. “Nope,” I said, sliding down her body and onto my knees on the floor. “Told you I wasn’t giving up without a fight.”

She rose up on her elbows. “Not fair.”

I grinned at her, my head between her legs. She fell backwards.

* * *

_“I can feel her.”_

_“Huh?” I asked. I was busy looking at the map with K. We had to take out some demon nest. With Buffy out of commission it was like a goddamn fucking party for all demons with half a mind to take over the world._

_“I said I can feel her.”_

_I wasn’t really paying attention. “Feel who?” I muttered. “I think we should storm in through the south side,” I told Ken, pointing at the map._

_“Sounds like a plan.” K said. “If we go through…”_

_“The baby!” B yelled, exasperated. “Oh my god!” She threw a book at me. “Listen to me when I’m talking!”_

_I jumped up. “The baby! What’s wrong with her?” I was freaking._

_She sighed dramatically like I was a dumbass. “I can feel her.”_

_Ken nodded. “She’s in your belly.”_

_Red must have been in the hallway. She walked in smiling and shaking her head. “Holy goddess, you two are stupid.”_

_B had her hand on her stomach. “She’s kicking.” She looked like she was gonna like float off into the sky or some shit._

_K and I both jumped up and ran over to her. She moved to put her hand on B’s stomach the same time as I did._

_“What the fuck?” I said, knocking her out of the way. “My baby. I get to feel it first.”_

_“How do you know? Could me mine.”_

_I rolled my eyes. So did Red. B smiled at her. “You can feel next, okay?”_

_Ken crossed her arms. “Fine,” she pouted, but she was smiling._

_Buffy took my hand and laid it on her stomach. “Feel here.”_

_I didn’t feel anything at first. I was about to ask her what the hell she was talking about. And then… something fluttered against my hand. “Oh,” I said._

_“See?” She said, smiling up at me._

_I nodded, dumbfounded. “Wow,” I whispered to her._

_She winked at me. “That’s your baby, slayer,” she said, in that voice that made me want to throw her on the bed._

_I closed my eyes. Something was moving against my hand. I guess it was her foot. I didn’t know really. It was just her. My baby. I’d never felt anything like it._

_It was amazing._

* * *

The feeling of having B in my arms… it never changed. She was snuggled against me and her head was buried against my neck. I could feel the rise and fall of her chest with every breath she took. I kissed the top of her head.

“I hate being away from you,” I whispered.

“Me too,” she sighed. She started kissing the side of my neck. “And I missed this,” she said.

I groaned. “Not as much as me,” I managed to squeak out when she licked behind my ear.

She crawled all the way on top of me. “Did you miss this?” She giggled, pulling the blanket over us.

So… at least we were under the covers when my so-called best friend ran into the room.

“Faith, Will has the… Oh my god! My eyes!” She screamed.

“Jesus Christ,” I wailed, pulling the blanket tighter. “Are you stupid?”

She had her eyes covered. “How was I supposed to know you two were…” She started backing out. “You know what? Never mind. I’m just gonna get someone else to go with me…” She started shutting the door. “Have fun,” she giggled, eyes still closed.

“Oh god,” B moaned, her head under the sheet. “Is she gone?”

I pulled it back. “Yeah.” I rubbed her arm. “You okay?”

She groaned. “That never gets easier…”

What the hell was she talking about? “What? She’s never walked in on…” Oh. I stopped. “Got ya.”

She shook her head. “Sorry. That was stupid.” She sat up. “I’m stupid. I say dumb things. I need a filter. A ‘stop talking Buffy’ filter.” She groaned again. “Like right now it would come in handy. Ugh. Stop talking, Buffy.” She closed her eyes.

I shook my head. “It’s okay,” I told her. And it had to be. Otherwise what were we doing? “Been there, done that.”

She frowned. “Guess so.” She looked at the door. “Why don’t we have locks?”

“Good question.”

She rolled over. “I should’ve brought some clothes in here.” She got up and grabbed my bag. “Where’d you get all these clothes?”

I shrugged. “Ken, I guess.” I grabbed the pants I’d taken off earlier.

She was rifling through my bag. “All I need are jogging pants… Hey,” she said, raising her head all of a sudden. “What was she talking about?”

“Huh?” I asked, getting dressed.

“Get someone else to go?” She pulled a t-shirt on. “What was she talking about?”

“Oh, those vamps…”

She put her hand on her hip. “Were you two going without me?”

I shrugged. “Huh?”

“Stop playing stupid.”

I groaned. “I didn’t… don’t wanna spend the whole day with Satsu. If we told you we were going, we figured she’d wanna go.” I watched her get dressed. “What’s going on between you two?”

She raised her eyebrow at me. “She came back here with us. It’s her home.”

I nodded. I got it. Was a deal breaker though. “I’m not changing my mind about her. B. I can’t be here if she is.”

“I know,” she sighed. “And I’ll tell her. It’s just hard kicking someone out of their home, Faith.” She ran her hand through her hair. “She’ll basically be homeless.”

Goddamn it. Again, I hated fucking being reformed. “Ugh,” I pulled my hair back. “Look, I get it. Give her a few days or whatever, but…” I walked to the door. “I’m not kidding. Her or me.”

“I know,” she whispered softly as I shut the door.

* * *

I found Ken standing outside with a slayer I didn’t recognize.

“What the fuck are you doing?” K asked me.

“Going with you,” I muttered. I turned to the new girl. “Faith,” I said, extending my hand.

Her eyes got really big. Like I’d just told her I was Santa Claus. Or the devil. “Wow,” she mouthed. “You’re the other one.”

Ken steered her back to the house. “Yep.” She told her. “Stop gawking. That shit goes to her head.”

The girl walked inside, still in awe.

“Am I famous?” I asked her.

She got in the car. I followed. “For being crazy? Yep.”

“Fuck you,” I mumbled.

“Still got enough in you for that?” she teased. She pulled the car out of the drive and cut her eyes at me. “Speaking of which” she started, “what the hell are you doing here? Why would you not be inside, you know, getting the Buffy love out of your system?”

I shrugged. “She needs to deal with her girl. I didn’t want to interfere.”

She nodded like she didn’t believe me. “Right. You want to kill her, don’t you?”

I nodded back. “I’m fucking trying here. Okay?”

“You give her an ultimatum?”

“Pretty much…”

“Worried she’ll pick her, aren’t you?”

I closed my eyes. “Very…”

She patted my shoulder. “Still a dumbass, I see.”

“Yep,” I muttered back.

* * *

So, turns out – vamp cult – just as fucking stupid as I remember. Their “lair” was basically a hole in the ground. With a door. That was unlocked. We pretty much dusted the whole lot before any of them even noticed.

“Goddamn it!” Ken huffed as we ran back out. “That shit never gets old. What a freaking rush!”

I nodded, smiling at her. “Does feel good.”

We were about to get back in the car when we heard the crying.

“Shh,” I told her. She was jangling her keys.

“What?” She asked, going still.

“You hear that?”

She lifted her eyebrows at me. “Baby…” she whispered.

We both got very still. She finally motioned with her head. “There,” she said.

I followed her to some brush behind the cave the vamps had been hiding in. On the ground, wrapped in a dirty blanket, a baby. No more than a couple weeks old.

“Holy fuck,” I whispered.

She bent over and picked it up. “What a bunch of goddamn morons. Why the fuck would that leave it outside? Jesus Christ.” It stopped crying when she held it to her.

“Wow,” I whispered.

She went to hand her to me. “Here. Let’s get her,” she looked down, “Or him, back to the castle and find out who he/she belongs to.”

I shook my head violently. “No. I…”

She was looking at me funny. “Faith, I can’t drive and hold the baby. You wanna drive?” She asked, fishing for her keys.

I shook my head again. “Uh... call Red, or whatever. I’m gonna…” I didn’t finish the sentence. I just took off running.

I could vaguely hear her calling me back. But I was fucking fast.

The first place I found myself – a bar. One I remembered from the old days. I stood outside for at least thirty minutes. Just stood there. In the goddamn parking lot, like a fucking homeless person.

I wanted to go inside worse than I’d wanted just about anything in a really really long time. I sat on the curb and just stared at the door. I watched people walk in and out.

And then I got up and left.

What was wrong with me? It wasn’t the first baby I’d seen in the last year? Why now? And then I remembered. Because the booze I’d used to drown those feelings was gone. And it was just fucking me…

I walked back to the castle. When I got to the edge of the property, I stopped. I still hadn’t been to her grave. Not even the day I was here for Giles’ funeral. I took a deep breath. I had to do it. I needed to get it over with. I couldn’t keep fighting the battle of the sober if I didn’t face it.

Her gravestone was simple. No words but her the date and her name “Eva Joyce Lehane.” I fell to my knees.

* * *

_“Come on Buffy,” Red was squealing. “Just one more push.”_

_“No!” She huffed. “I can’t do this! It’s stupid. Having a baby is stupid! I want drugs.”_

_“It’s too late, B,” I said. I wiped her brow. “Just one more.”_

_“Go to hell, Faith!” She swatted my hand away from her forehead._

_I moved down to the edge of the bed where it was safer. “I can see her,” I whispered to Red._

_Red nodded. “It’s fascinating.” Then she scrunched her nose. “And kind of gross.”_

_I wanted to agree, but the look B shot me was enough to shut me up._

_The doctor smiled at me. “Come on, Buffy,” she said. “Just once more. And then it’ll all be over.”_

_I don’t know what did it. Guess “all over” was the magic words, cause B pushed. One more time._

_Babies being born ain’t that pretty. Gonna be real honest. But holy god, when she held her up, I had to remind myself to breathe._

_The doctor did whatever it is that doctors and nurses do to a baby when they’re born, and then she cried._

_“Oh god, what’s wrong with her?” I asked, trying not to hyperventilate._

_“That means she’s perfect,” Red answered for her._

_The doctor turned to me. “Want to cut the cord?”_

_“Eww,” I said, before I could stop myself._

_Red shot me a look. I took the scissors and cut._

_B was still breathing heavily. But she was smiling. And crying. I’m pretty sure I was too honestly._

_The nurse handed me the baby. “Meet your daughter,” she smiled._

_I took her and… Jesus Christ she was fucking perfect._

_“Uhh mmm,” B cleared her throat._

_Oh shit, right!_

_“Want to meet your mommy, baby girl?” I asked, kissing her forehead. I slowly handed her to Buffy. “I love you,” I whispered, kissing B’s forehead._

_She smiled, but never took her eyes off the baby. “Wow. We actually made her.”_

_I put my arm around her shoulder. “I know…”_

_She turned to look me in the eyes. “Thank you,” she whispered, before turning back to the baby._

* * *

I’m not sure how long I stayed outside. I felt Buffy walk up after a while though. I was sitting on the ground, my back to the castle, much like I’d found her a month ago.

“Hey,” I whispered as she walked up.

“Hey,” she said, sitting beside me. “Went to town to look for you. I didn’t even think to come here.”

I nodded. “Yeah. Me neither, really. Not till I got here, I mean.”

She put her palm flat against the headstone and closed her eyes. When she opened them she turned to look at me. “You okay?”

I shrugged. “Yeah. Just whigged me is all. Don’t know why…”

She watched me and then shook her head. “You’re really good at lying to yourself, you know that?”

“What my therapist said,” I told her.

She let out a tiny laugh. “We found her mother. Or Will did. They came and got her a few hours ago.”

I had not idea I’d been out here that long.

She must have noticed my shock. “You can kind of lose time here, can’t you?” she said, motioning to the grave.

“I guess so.”

“Can I tell you something?” She asked me.

“Sure…”

She put her hand on my knee. “After you left, I slept out here. Every night. I’d sneak out after everyone was in bed and come out here and sleep. One night a vampire came up.”

I was holding my breath. I didn’t want to interrupt her. But god knows I wanted to say I was sorry. Sorry for everything. I bit it down.

She smiled grimly. “He was about to bite me. Ken dusted him. For whatever reason she came outside that night.” She looked down at the ground. “I didn’t even feel him,” she whispered.

“I’m sorry,” I began.

She shook her head. “No, don’t. I don’t want you to apologize. I just want you to understand.”

“Understand what?”

She looked pained. “She’s not here, Faith.” She rubbed her hand on the grass, back and forth.

“Where did she go?” I whispered, looking away from her.

She sighed. “I don’t know. Somewhere. Maybe she’s where I was when I died.” She turned my face to her. “Maybe she’s with my mom. But she’s not here. Not anymore.”

Her palm was on my cheek and I wanted to just throw my head in her lap and wail. I didn’t. “What if you’re wrong?”

She smiled at me. “How many of us,” she started, motioning between the two of us, “have been dead?”

I tried to smile back. “Good point.”

She stood up and gave me her hand. “I have my moments.”

 I took it and stood up as well. I turned back to look at the grave. “I love you, baby doll,” I whispered.

B rubbed my back. “We both do,” she whispered.

* * *

We walked slowly back to the house. I hadn’t brought up Satsu yet, but it was niggling at me.

“What’s wrong?” She finally asked.

I stopped and turned to look at her. “Have you talked to her?”

She sighed. “Yeah…” She maddeningly offered no more than that though.

“And?”

She took a very deep breath. “And she doesn’t want to go, obviously.”

I took her hands in my mind. “Have you and her… you know… whatever, while I was gone?”

She watched my face.

I shook my head quickly. “I can’t get mad, Buffy. I’d want to, but…” I was fucking lying my ass off here. “But I can’t…”

She let go of my hands. “There were a few nights when I just wanted someone to hold me,” she finally whispered.

Right. “Okay,” I was speaking so softly I couldn’t hear myself.

She shook her head. “Not like that. I haven’t slept, slept with her. If that’s what you’re asking.”

“But you slept with her. In the bed,” I wasn’t asking. It was obvious she had.

She nodded.

“Okay,” I said again. I started walking back towards the castle. I stopped again. “Look, I am not gonna say anything to her but warn her… She pushes, I push back.”

She nodded again. “She’s hurting. It’s hard to be rejected.”

“I get that. And if she was my friend, I’d fucking feel sorry for her. But she’s not. She’s the woman who wants to fuck my life,” I shook my head. “Literally,” I mumbled.

She stopped just outside the door. “She’s inside,” she whispered.

“How can you tell…” I trailed off. The fucking connection. Goddamn it. Just… Fucking A… “Great.” I followed her inside.

She was inside. So were the rest of them.

“Faith!” Ken screamed. “Stop running off like that! Jesus Christ! Do you know how much trouble I got in?” She was rolling her eyes dramatically.

“Sorry,” I muttered. I wasn’t looking at her though. Only one person had my attention at this point.

Bitch was staring back at me. “So glad you’re back,” she finally said.

“I bet,” I muttered.

Everyone was watching us. But I was telling the truth. I wasn’t gonna fuck with her. Long as she left me alone, we were copacetic. She just needed to leave soon.

She turned her attention to B. “Can I talk to you?”

B was looking between the two of us. “Uhhh… sure,” she finally said.

Satsu walked out. B followed her. She turned and smiled at me slightly. “Sorry,” she mouthed.

I shrugged at her. What the fuck ever.

Red patted my shoulder. “Want something to eat?” She smiled. Everyone ushered me into the kitchen.

I fought the urge to turn around.

* * *

We decided to cook dinner. We used to do this all the time. And something about it felt normal. Cooking together. I was beginning to feel… well, maybe not at home, but better. I wasn’t sure how long it would take me to get used to being here again. But I was trying.

Dawn was handing me a bowl when B walked in. When I saw her face, I dropped it.

She was crying.

“What’s wrong?” Half the room asked.

She shook her head. “Nothing…” She shrugged. “She’s upset. She just…” She trailed off.

I moved over to her. “Doesn’t look like nothing,” I said.

“What did she say?” Xander asked.

Buffy didn’t respond.

I lifted my eyebrow. “Gonna answer him?”

Buffy shook her head. “Are we cooking?” She said, wiping her face and trying to smile.

Dawn smiled back. “Yeah, we thought it would be…”

“Fuck no,” I interrupted. “What the fuck happened, B?”

She smiled at me. Or tried to. “Let’s make dinner,” she said.

I pushed past her. “Fuck that,” I called behind me.

“Faith,” she yelled after me.

“Let her go,” Ken said.

I told Buffy. I told her. I wasn’t a goddamn saint. I’d been saying that shit. If the bitch would just leave we could avoid all of this bullshit. But… she wanted to play this game… we would play the game. She reduced Buffy to tears in five minutes… I didn’t know what she’d fucking said to her.

And I didn’t fucking care. She’d crossed the line when she made her last move.

Far as I was concerned… checkmate, bitch.

* * *

I was counting my steps as I made way through the castle. I walked slowly into the room Buffy had followed Satsu into earlier. She was sitting on the couch staring at the door. Like she expected someone.

Betting it wasn’t me.

“Still here?” I asked her. I didn’t move from the doorway.

“Fuck you,” she muttered. She went to turn her back to me, but I guess she was smarter than she looked because she changed her mind.

“What’s your fucking problem?” I moved into the room and shut the door. I reached behind me and locked it. “Feel better about yourself reducing her to tears?”

She didn’t get up. “How many times have you done the same? Made her cry? Ten? Twenty? A hundred?”

“Ain’t about me.”

She rolled her eyes. “Who’s it about then?” She stood up. “You’re a bitch.”

“Been called worse.”

“And a liar.”

“Still ain’t scratching the surface, sweetie.” I stood where I was.

“But most of all, you’re a coward.”

I inched closer to her. “May have crossed a line there.”

She smirked. “Oh. I’m sorry, Faith. Did I hurt your feelings? I’m tired of you. Of what you think you deserve. You fucked up. Do you know that? How many shots at redemption are they supposed to give you?”

“I don’t know, Satsu,” I said, dragging out her name. “But I don’t think you get a fucking say in it.” I was still moving closer to her. “The thing is though, this isn’t about me. It’s about you. And what you said to B just now.”

She looked amused. “And what did I say?”

I shrugged. “Don’t know. Why I’m in here.”

“You her big protector? Knight in shining armor?”

I shook my head. “No. I love her.”

She laughed but it sure the fuck wasn’t because she found what I said funny. “Right. You’ve done such a great job, haven’t you? What with the drinking and the running and the murdering her child.”

It took seconds to cross the room. One thing stopping drinking had done… I was fucking fast again. I had my hand on her throat before I could even think about it. She was trying to speak and claw at my hand, but I was stronger. And I was mad. I carried her across the room and slammed her against the wall.

“You don’t get to speak about things you know fuck all about,” I whispered. I pressed my hand against her windpipe.

She kneed me in the stomach. I didn’t fucking move.

“I get you think you love Buffy. But you know what? You can get in fucking line. There’s a goddamn cult or some shit that would probably welcome you with open arms.” I let up a little, so the bitch could breathe. “But you are getting the fuck out of here. And if you want to do that on your own two feet and not in goddamn casket, you’ll do what I say.”

I let go then. She started coughing. She put her hand to her throat. “Fuck you,” she spit out.

She went to swing at me. I saw it coming. I slammed her back against the wall and put my arm against her throat. “Look, I’m sure you’ve heard stories about me. How I went all insane and shit back in the day. Crazy. Psychotic even. And you wanna know something? Those people, they didn’t do shit to me. Nothing. I put more than one person in the hospital outta sheer fucking joy,” I got closer to her face. “So I need you to think real hard about what the fuck I’d do to someone who pissed me off.”

“Faith!” Buffy was yelling through the door now. “Open the door!”

I ignored her.

“Are you threatening me?” She asked when I moved away from her.

“Well no,” I smiled. “Was inviting you to tea.”

“She’s not going to like it. The threats.” She pushed off the wall. “She’s afraid of you.”

“Faith!” Ken yelled. “Open the door. We don’t wanna bust it down. Xander’s tired of fixing them.”

“Faith!” Buffy was hysterical. “Please.”

I kept ignoring them. “Right… she could kick my ass ten ways to Sunday.”

She shook her head. “Not physically. Emotionally. Why was she crying? Because I told her the truth. That you’d hurt her. Just like you always do. Just like you did when you lived in California. Just like you did when came back a drunk. Just like you did when you drove your car off the…”

She didn’t finish the sentence. I hit her so hard it knocked her across the room. She was out.

I fought the urge to pummel her into a coma. I walked back to the door and unlocked it.

“Faith!” B screamed for the billionth time. She looked over my shoulder at Satsu lying on the floor. “What happened?!?”

Red and Dawn were staring openmouthed at me. Xander was standing behind them.

“She alive?” Ken asked.

“She’ll live,” I told her. I turned my attention to Buffy. “I’m finished with this.”

She was watching my face. She kept looking between me and Satsu. “What did she say?” She asked.

“That I murdered you daughter,” I muttered, pushing past them.

“Oh goddess,” Red squealed. “Kennedy!”

I was already in the hallway, headed towards the door.

“On it,” Ken told her. “Faith, wait…”

I could hear Buffy crying. Sobbing even. I wasn’t fucking turning around for shit.

“Leave me alone,” I growled at Kennedy.

“Faith wait,” I heard Xander.

“You too.” I opened the front door and slammed it shut.

I was in the driveway by the time they got the door open. Ken caught up with me before Xander obviously.

She grabbed my arm. “Will you fucking stop?”

I shrugged her off. “Let go of me.”

Xander caught up. “Come back inside.”

I looked at him like he was insane. “Do you want me to kill her? Because I want to.” I felt like fucking pacing. Or punching the shit out of something. “And I’m goddamn refraining from doing so. So bully me. But if I go back in that house, I will rip her goddamn arms off and beat her with them.”

He backed up. “Okay. So let’s stay out here.”

“She’s a bitch, Faith.” Ken tried.

“No shit.”

“But she’s hurting. So she’s trying to hurt back. Gotta give the chick credit for being smart enough to hit you where it hurts.” She shook her head. “Pretty easy actually. But not true. And you know it.”

I shook my head again. “Kind of true.”

They shared a look.

“What?” I growled.

Neither spoke.

“What?!?”

Ken cleared her throat. “We were there…”

I held up my hand to stop her. “Don’t. Dawn told me. Don’t wanna do it again.”

Xander shook his head. “No…”

“No what?”

“She doesn’t know.”

Ken nodded. “None of them do.”

“Doesn’t matter. I remember now.” I muttered.

She took a deep breath. “After?” She asked. She knew I didn’t.

“No.”

She nodded. “We do.”

“Good for you,” I mumbled. “Still can’t do this.”

Xander put his hand on my arm tentatively. When he was sure I wasn’t gonna break it, he kept it there. “You couldn’t have done anything.”

“So everyone has told me.”

He looked down. I thought maybe he was trying not to cry. I wasn’t sure though. “We could hear you…”

Ken looked away. “I had nightmares about that…” she was really quiet. “The sounds you were making.”

“I was out,” I told her.

She shook her head. “No. You saw it. All of it. When they got you out of the car, you jumped off the gurney…” She stopped talking.

“My leg was broken,” I finally said. “No way I could…” I trailed off. Why didn’t I remember any of this?

Xander sighed. “No. You did. The paramedics. They were trying so hard to help her. And you just…” He stopped talking too.

I watched both of their faces. Neither would look at me. “What?” I finally asked.

“You tried to drag yourself over there. It was… they wouldn’t let us through at first. And you were just dragging your leg, on the ground. Crawling.” She was whispering. “But it was the screaming…”

Xander nodded. “I’d never heard a sound like that come out of someone before.”

“Dawn told me what I said.”

“That was before. Before we got there. The paramedics told us that.” Ken answered. “When we got there you were screaming. It was… I can’t even describe it. Weird. You sounded like you were dying. Like everyone was dying.”

No one spoke for a few minutes.

“Did I make it over to her?” I asked quietly.

She nodded. “You did. They let us through then. I grabbed you but not before you saw… we saw…” she just stopped. “When I picked you up, you fought me like a goddamn wild animal.”

“I don’t remember.”

“I hope you never do,” she said. She put her hand on my other arm. “Then suddenly you sorta just went limp in my arms. I thought you’d passed out or something. But you hadn’t. You whispered in my ear.”

“Whispered what?”

“Kill me. Snap my neck. They won’t know. People die in wrecks all the time. If you kill me I can go with her. Please.” She stopped speaking and turned away. “Fucked up thing was… I thought about it. Just for a second.”

“Why didn’t you?” I asked.

Xander sighed. “Because we aren’t in the business of hurting the innocent, Faith. And you didn’t do anything wrong.”

I wanted to cry. To scream. To do something. “Don’t ever tell Buffy that.”

They both nodded.

“We have never told anyone that,” Xander said.

“And we never will,” Ken added.

I nodded back. “Thanks.” I pushed my hair out of my eyes and swallowed the fucking lump in my throat. “For being my friend.”

Xander smiled. “Oh we like you way more than her.”

“Agreed.” Ken smiled too. “She’s a whiney bitch.”

“In fact that’s what we call her. WB.” Xander laughed. “So we don’t get in trouble. Cause even with you gone, we still find our fair share.”

Ken laughed back. “Yeah. We just don’t have anyone to fucking blame it on.”

“Which means we sleep on the couch a lot…” Xander added.

I punched him lightly on the shoulder. “Well, I’m back now. So guess you got your scapegoat back.”

He rubbed his shoulder. “Oh my god,” he suddenly said. “We gotta new console. Cause you were coming. It’s sweet. You gotta come see it.”

“No shit,” I smiled. “I kinda like you guys a lot.”

Ken smiled. “We kinda like you too.”

“Ditto,” Xander offered.

* * *

B opened the door then.

“That’s our cue,” Xander said. He patted me on the arm.

“Good luck,” Ken mouthed.

I nodded at them. Xander patted B on the shoulder when she walked by. She waited until they shut the door before she started speaking.

“So she’s leaving,” she said, walking over to me.

“When?”

“Well, when she wakes up. You kinda knocked her unconscious.” She sighed. “Did she really say that?”

I nodded. “Amongst other things.”

“Like?”

“Like you’re afraid of me. Emotionally. Think I’m gonna run or something. Hurt you again…”

She took a deep breath. “Well, she’s wrong. I can’t say I’m not afraid…”

“Right…”

She held up her hand. “No. Not of you running. Of it all not being real. Of it not getting easier. But I’m not afraid of you. I love you.” She put her hand on my cheek. “Dumbass.”

I tried to smile. “I’m gonna let that slide…”

She laughed. “Right. Like you could take me.”

I cocked my eyebrow at her. “I sorta took you earlier today, if you wanna get technical.”

She giggled. “Oh I so took you.”

“Whatever, princess.” I grabbed her and pulled her to me. “You know I’m in charge.”

She kissed my nose and pulled back. “If I let _you_ take charge, it means _I’m_ still in charge.”

I cut my eyes at her. “You believe that?”

She giggled again. “Yes, dork. I do. Think about it. I could top you any time I felt like it.”

I put her down. Holy shit. She was totally right. “Hold up. So all these times…” I shook my head, thinking. “I can’t believe this…”

She smiled at me in that little sexy way she has. “Believe it.” She put her arms around me. “No way I’d let you do that if I didn’t trust you.”

I pulled her to me and kissed her. It was soft and she moaned slightly around my tongue. She put her hands in my hair and pulled me tighter. I could’ve stood there forever.

She broke away first. “God, I missed that.”

“Me too. I haven’t kissed anyone in forever.”

She narrowed her eyes. “But you said you’d…”

“Yeah, but… I didn’t kiss them. I couldn’t…” I trailed off for a moment. “You know I’ve loved you since Sunnydale, Buffy.”

She frowned slightly. “I know, Faith…”

I stopped her. “No. I have. Didn’t mean I was innocent all those years. But… it’s kinda like apples and pears.”

She looked confused. “Huh?”

“You know… not even a comparison.”

“Oh, you mean apples and oranges,” she laughed.

“Whatever. You get my point.” I scowled.

She put her arms back around me. “Yeah. And mixed cliché aside, I love you for it.”

“No. I’m serious. Nothing felt real until that night…” I shook my head. “I can’t even describe it.”

“Same here,” she whispered.

I kissed her again. “Wanna go inside?”

She nodded. “Yeah.” She took my hand and started walking towards the door.” She turned around suddenly. “You like your room?”

I nodded. “It’s cool. Why?”

She shrugged. “Cause it’s ours now.”

I smiled. “Thank god. No way I was sleeping in your room.”

She kissed my hand. “Love you,” she whispered.

“Love you more,” I whispered back.

* * *

_Two Years Later_

 I was sitting on the bed. Waiting. About all I freaking did now. Wait. Wait for Buffy. To take a shower. Get dressed. Dry her hair. Put on her makeup. Stare at herself in the goddamn mirror. It was exhausting all the waiting I did.

“Buffy,” I whined. “Come on…”

“Why are you always in such a hurry, Faith?” She called from the bathroom. “Go watch TV or something.”

“Ugh,” I muttered, throwing myself back on the bed.

“Quit whining,” she said again. “Drama queen,” she added.

I got up and walked to the bathroom. “You look fine…” I stopped as I got to the door. Okay, so I obviously hadn’t seen her when I said that but still…“Why aren’t you dressed?”

She threw a hairbrush at me. I caught it without looking. “I’m sorry if it takes me longer to get ready than you.” She said, turning back to the mirror. “If you’re gonna say I look fine, at least take a second to check first.”

I walked up behind her and put my arms around her stomach. “You always look beautiful,” I said. I put my head on her shoulder. “But no one’s gonna see cause they’ll all be gone by the time we get there.”

She turned around and swatted at me with her hand. “Shut up,” she smiled. She bent down to pull her panties on.

I stopped her with my hand. She looked up at me. I wiggled my eyebrow at her. “You’re all sexy when you’re bent over like that.”

She rolled her eyes and pulled them up. “I hate these stupid things,” she muttered.

“So don’t wear them,” I leered at her.

She ignored my advances. “Hand me those jeans,” she motioned with her hand.

I gave them to her. She held them away from her. “All these clothes are dumb.” She pulled them on and popped the elastic waistband.

“You’re hot,” I tried.

“You’re an ass,” she said. “Gigantic house-shaped girls aren’t hot.”

So this was familiar territory. “B… you know you aren’t fat. Or house-shaped. Or whatever.” I got on my knees and kissed her stomach. “Is she?” I muttered.

She patted the top of my head and grabbed her bra. “I don’t think she can hear you,” she laughed, pulling it on.

“You never know,” I told her standing up. “Better than her recognizing me cause she’s seen my fingers all up close and…”

She smacked me. “Stop!” She pulled her shirt on. “Holy crap,” she muttered through the fabric. “Please don’t traumatize her. Or me…”

I pulled her to me and kissed her. “Wanna go in the bedroom and…” I wiggled my eyebrows at her.

She pulled away. “No. We’re gonna be late if…” she stopped talking when she noticed her face in the mirror. “Oh my god! You just screwed up my lipstick!” She started rummaging around in her makeup bag again.

“Ugh!” I moaned again. “Hurry up!” I said, walking out of the bathroom.

“Get the presents!” She yelled after me.

I walked over to the dresser. “How the fuck am I supposed to carry all of this to the car?!?”

“You’re a slayer,” she said. “And I can’t carry anything. I’m all delicate…”

Goddamn it. I grabbed the seven thousand gifts she’d bought and balanced them in my arms.

“And don’t drop anything…”

I rolled my eyes and opened the door with my foot. “Just hurry the hell up!” I yelled toward the bathroom. Delicate my ass.

* * *

So… we were only twenty minutes late to the party. That was actually like a record or something. Even Ken noticed.

“Wow,” she said, after I’d sat the presents down. “You guys are early.”

“We’re twenty minutes late,” I muttered.

“Yeah, but in Buffy time that’s like two hours early.” She noticed all the gifts I had in my hand. “Go a little overboard?”

I shrugged. “I just carry the bags,” I told her.

She watched B flit over to Dawnie. “She really moves fast for a pregnant chick.”

I groaned. “Cause she doesn’t have to carry anything. She just throws shit at me and says ‘Hurry up, Faith!’ Like I’m a goddamn pack mule.”

She smiled and handed me a soda. “Ha! You love it.”

I smiled back. “Yeah…”

Xander walked up to us. He looked like he was about to faint. “You okay, dude?” I asked him.

He nodded. “This birthday party is costing me a fortune.” He moaned. “And he’s not gonna remember one thing about it.”

Ken elbowed him. “It’s as much for them,” she motioned at our three better halves, “as it is for Luke.”

“I know,” he smiled.

I was about to ask where the little bugger was but I saw B pick him up and toss him in the air like a ball. She caught him expertly. I groaned. “I can’t believe I stopped drinking.”

They both laughed.

“I gotta worry about Buffy hurting herself. Dropping the little man. And brain damaging my unborn daughter…” I looked at the gifts. “But she can’t carry a damn present out to the car.”

Xander noticed all the gifts I’d brought in. “He doesn’t need that many presents… What is wrong with you?”

I shrugged. “Ain’t me, dude. It’s B. I got him a basketball goal.”

Ken rolled her eyes. “He’s a year old, Faith. He can’t play basketball.”

“I know that, jackass. But we can. I left it back at the castle.”

Xander smiled suddenly. “Whoa. You are a lot smarter than I give you credit for sometimes.”

“I’m gonna ignore that.” There were about fifty kids running around this little ‘kiddie’ restaurant or whatever the heck it was. “Do you know all these people?” I asked him.

He shook his head. “Maybe. I don’t know.” He looked at the present table again. “How are we gonna get all of that home?”

We both shrugged at him.

B motioned me over. “Why are you guys standing all the way over there?” She asked.

We shrugged at her. We had to dodge about fifteen little monsters to get over to them.

Red was pouring juice into cups. “Do you like the cake?” She asked us.

“It’s a truck…” Ken stated.

“A red one…” I added helpfully.

She rolled her eyes at Buffy. “Two geniuses.”

Buffy nodded sagely. Ass.

Dawn sat Luke down in his little high chair. She smiled up at me. “Buffy told me you got him a basketball goal.”

I smiled back. “Yep. One day he’ll be a superstar like his Aunt Faith.”

She rolled her eyes. “I know it’s for the three of you.”

Xander rubbed the babe’s head. “Hey, we get bored.”

She stood up. “Maybe if you washed some clothes every once in a while…”

“Or cooked a meal…” Red added.

“Or just cleaned one plate…” B said.

“… you wouldn’t be so bored,” Dawn finished.

The three of us shrugged.

I stooped down in front of the baby. “What’s up, little man?”

He smiled at me and grabbed my hair. “Fafe…” He squealed, clapping his hands.

I pried his little sticky fingers off. “You’ve got a strong ass grip for a munchkin,” I said, kissing his nose.

“Language,” Red warned.

“Not gonna happen, Red.” I told her, standing up. “And you know it…”

B rolled her eyes. “Save it, Wills. You’re wasting your breath. You know how stubborn she is…”

“I resent that, blondie.” I turned to Dawn. “Do we get to eat the truck or we just gonna stare at it?”

Buffy smacked my arm. “We have to sing Happy Birthday first.” She bent over and rubbed the baby’s cheeks. “Cause it’s your birthday, isn’t it?” She kissed his forehead. “Who do you love?” She cooed at him.

“B!” He squealed, clapping his hands. “B! B! B!”

We all rolled our eyes at her. She loved getting him to do that. Squeal her name like a broken record over and over again. Every time he did it, she’d tickle his little neck and he’d burst into a peal of laughter, just like he was doing now. It was their favorite game.

Everyone did the little birthday song. People ate cake. Well, the bigger people anyway. Kids just seemed to smear cake all over everything they touched. Which were my legs more times than I deemed necessary. Luke had red icing all over his shirt. His hair. His face. He looked like he’d slayed the monster from the birthday cake lagoon.

I stood back and watched Buffy. She was six months pregnant but… she was the most gorgeous thing I’d ever laid eyes on. She was smiling at him, rubbing her stomach. She loved him so much.

* * *

_When Dawn told us she was pregnant… well, let’s just say I had to get to Xander first. Bufffy had a look of sheer murder in her eyes. It was scary._

_Ken and I hid him in the basement for a few hours, till the shock wore off. She came around though. And when he was born… I was worried, you know? Bout how B would take it… but she… She went in the room with them… when she came out she was crying. But they were good tears. I had to let go of the breath I was holding._

_She squealed. “I’m an Aunt!” And ran over to me and hugged me._

_I kissed the side of her head. “Feel good?”_

_She pulled back and smiled. “He’s so beautiful. Perfect,” she whispered._

* * *

And now… here we were. One year later. Celebrating the little dude’s birthday. And pregnant to boot.

We’d spent several months talking about it. We knew Red could easily call back the magic she’d used that night. I had to admit I was little hesitant about the whole thing. Were we replacing her? That wasn’t what I wanted at all…

But neither did Buffy. And after going over it in our heads, I finally relented.

* * *

_Still, when she told me that she was pregnant for sure I fainted. Like a girl. I woke up to her bent over me. “Faithie, you okay?”_

_I noticed Ken and Red standing behind her. “Did she hit her head?” Red asked._

_I closed my eyes and moaned._

_“Hahaha!” Ken was laughing. “Can you do that again? I didn’t have my phone ready.”_

_I sat up. “Don’t record me, asshole.”_

_B looked worried. “Are you okay?” She asked again._

_I smiled up at her. She looked so happy. And scared. “I’m good, baby.”_

_She smiled back and helped me up. She looked relieved. “You’re such a girl.”_

_Ken started laughing harder._

_“Oh, come on, Buffy…” I whined. “Stop embarrassing me in front of her.”_

_“A girlie girl,” Ken chuckled. “Need me to get you one of those swooning couches?”_

_She was laughing herself into hysterics._

_“Laugh it up, hooker,” I told her. I smiled at Red. “Guess who’s next?”_

_Red shook her head violently. Ken looked sick. “We’re good taking care of your little ones,” Red said._

_Ken breathed out. “Yeah,” she put her hands on her hips. “Especially when their mommies go and faint and stuff…”_

_When she walked out, I threw a book at her head. She dodged it effortlessly. “Lame-o,” she called over her shoulder._

_Red chuckled and followed her out._

_B was rubbing my arm. “Are you sure you’re okay?”_

_I nodded at her again. I pulled her to me and she laid her head against my chest. “I love you,” I whispered._

_“Love you more,” she whispered back._

* * *

It didn’t take us long to get the basketball goal up. I mean, we had to put together like ten thousands toys first, but… finally we had it up and running.

The three of us were outside playing with some of the girls.

“Xander, dude…” I groaned. “You’ve gotta watch the periph…” One of the other slayers had just stolen the ball from him effortlessly.

“Faith,” he said. “I can’t see out of one eye.” He pointed to said deficit. “Give a guy a break here…” he was breathing heavily.

Shit. Kept forgetting that. “Sorry,” I called over to him, stealing the ball back. I went in for an easy layup. “Lucky you got me on your team.”

K took the ball out of bounds and threw it to one of the chicks on her team. Monica, I think. She motioned at me with her head. “She plays dirty,” she told her. “So don’t be afraid to use your elbows.”

I stole the ball back and jump shot it. “Swosh, bitches!” I turned to her. “And stop telling them to foul me.”

She shrugged. “You play dirty.”

“Yeah, well I got One Eye,” I motioned, trying to steal the ball.

“Offended,” Xander said.

Ken faked around me. “Sucker,” she muttered, dunking it.

“Time,” Xander called. He bent over to catch his breath. “And I resent that.”

“That was awesome,” Callie told Ken. “You’re like a pro.”

“What the hell, Cal?” I asked her. “You’re on my team…”

“You didn’t dunk,” she reasoned.

I grabbed the ball from her. And then did just that. “So… I can…”

“Show off,” B walked up.

All the girls straightened up when she walked up. She was like their god or something. So freaking weird. “Hi, Ms. Summers.” Callie said.

B smiled at her. “How’s it going, girls? Is it fun playing ball with old people?”

“Hi, Mr. Summers,” I mocked under my breath.

She cut her eyes at me. “Stop showing off, Faith. And hogging the ball. Everyone wants to play.”

“Yeah, well… everyone’s not as good as me,” I mumbled.

She smacked the ball out of my hand, dribbled around me, and went in for her own layup. Nothing but fucking net. And she’s a midget. And pregnant. She smirked. “Have fun,” she called over her shoulder, walking off.

The girls all stood there like she was the most awesome thing in the world. I grabbed the ball and smacked Callie upside the head with it. “Stop staring at her…”

She laughed. “She is so much cooler than you…”

“No shit,” Ken laughed with her. She took the ball and threw it at me. Hard as fuck. “Your ball.”

* * *

After the game, I went inside looking for B. I mean, even pregnant, the chick can take care of herself. Still… I worried cause it was my baby she was bouncing around with, playing basketball and shit.

“Seen B?” I asked Red. She was looking through some books in the library.

She looked up over what she was reading. “Thought she was outside with you?”

I shook my head. “Nope.”

“Check with Dawnie?”

“Nah. She’s probably in there throwing the little guy up in the air,” I laughed.

…But she wasn’t.

“I haven’t seen her,” Dawn said. She bent over and picked up Luke. “She said she was going outside for a minute. I thought she was watching you guys…”

I shook my head.

“Maybe she’s with Will?” She shifted the baby to her other hip.

“No.” I started feeling panicked.

“Stop,” she said. “She probably just went for a walk.”

I nodded, running out.

Some of the girls were still outside. “You guys seen Ms. Summers?”

They all shook their head.

“Okay, if she comes back. Tell her to stay put.”

They looked wary.

“Tell her _I_ said to stay put, then.”

They nodded.

“Okay,” they finally answered.

I took off around the side of the castle. I looked everywhere but I didn’t see her. So I stood still. Closed my eyes. And willed myself to feel her. It was a weird thing I could do. Only worked when I wasn’t freaked though. So it took a moment to calm my breathing.

I found her under the tree I’d hid behind when I first came back here three years ago. She was sitting with her back against it. Her eyes closed. I walked over to her.

“Hey,” she said, not opening her eyes.

I sat down in front of her. “Gave me a mini heart attack, twinkie,” I told her.

She opened her eyes. “It’s a nice day,” she said.

I watched her face. She looked… I don’t know… lost in thought or something. I got a sinking feeling in my stomach. “What’s up?” I tried to sound light. Not sure if it worked.

“Nothing,” she said. “Just wanted to be alone for a bit.”

I raised my eyebrow. “Want me to go?” I didn’t fucking want that.

She shook her head. “Nah… I’m better now.”

“Wanna go back inside, then?”

She shook her head. “I like it out here.” She sighed. She nodded toward Eva’s headstone. “Did you do that?”

I followed her gaze. She was motioning to the teddy bear on the grave. “Yeah,” I whispered.

She reached over and patted my foot. “I think that’s sweet.”

I shrugged. “It rained on the last one I put there. Figured a plastic one would last longer.”

“I’m glad you can come out here. On your own.” She sat up some. “Wanna sit with me? Tree’s making my back all itchy.”

I moved behind her. I pulled her against my chest. “Better?” I asked, wrapping my arms around her belly.

She scooted her back into me, and got comfortable. “I like when you hold me.” She sighed and laid her head against my shoulder. “Makes me feel safe.”

I kissed her temple. “It’s what I’m here for.” I rubbed her stomach.

“Feel her?” She asked, putting her hand over mine.

I nodded. “She’s strong.”

“I wonder what she’ll be like?” She asked.

“You…” I took a deep breath. “Least I hope.” I closed my eyes. “I just want to protect her.”

“You will,” she said, rubbing my arm.

“I’m terrified,” I whispered.

“I know,” she whispered back. She sighed. “You know what Giles used to say?”

“No…”

“He used to always say. ‘Buffy, even if you expect the unexpected, you can never predict everything. You go into battle knowing you are fighting for good. It’s all you can do.’” She finished.

“I know all of that…”

“We never know what’s coming. It would be nice if we did. But… we can’t stop everything. No matter how hard we try.”

“I know that too…”

She turned halfway around so she could look me in the eye. “So… I figure we have to take it one day at a time. And enjoy what we’ve been given. Mourn for what we’ve lost. I think I’m finally at peace with everything. I hope you are too.”

I nodded as she turned back around. “It’s easier to breathe now.” I sighed. “Don’t know if I’m ever gonna be ‘not paranoid.’”

She nodded against my chest. “Well, I’m not asking for miracles over here.”

I swatted her arm. “Hey!”

She giggled. “I know you’re protective, F. It’s all good. Protect way. Just try to remember to live while you’re doing it.” She sunk further into me and pulled my arms around her tighter. “I want you with me. Not standing on the sidelines.”

I put my chin on the top of her head. “No place I’d rather be, baby.”

“Good,” she finally said. I felt her relax completely. “Because I love you. More than anything in the universe. With my last breath.”

I chuckled softly. “Stop stealing my lines.”

She smacked my thighs. “What’s yours is mine. And they’re good lines…” She laughed. “I’m sleepy.”

“Wanna go back?”

She shook her head against me. “No. I like it here. We should do this more often,” she yawned.

“Go to sleep, babe.” I held her to me.

“You gonna hold me?” She asked.

“Ain’t going anywhere, princess.” I said, softly. “Would hold you forever if I could.”

I felt her fall asleep against me. I shifted so I was comfortable, but I didn’t let her go. I just watched the rise and fall of her stomach as she slept. I patted it softly. “Love you, baby,” I whispered to my daughter.

 I looked at Eva’s headstone. “Both of you.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So Merry Christmas to the person who asked for this. Sorry if I depressed anyone else who read it.


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